Zappa peace

 Zappa is such a tender subject.  Being the only dog, all our focus is on him.  Something he doesn't like.  I don't know that he will ever get used to it.  

Zappa was asleep on our bed last night, a deep, comfy sleep.  He was so relaxed he just melted into the bed.  His wrinkles showing through his face and muzzle that he almost looked like a basset hound.  He was that content.  

I knelt on Fiona's blanket to say "good night" to her and began quietly sobbing.

Seeing Zappa's face, struck me how much pain and stress Zappa has been under without his siblings, especially Fiona, and the contrast his face was showing
at this moment.  

Part of the tears were relief.  Zappa was making it through this most difficult time in his life.  For a while we did not know for certain if he would leave us too.  There were some scary moments when we weren't sure.  

And yet despite our fears, Zappa was here, sleeping in such complete peace.

I don't know how he got to that point, but I hope I can emulate it someday.   

   

How I know when my world is alright.

I don't know about anyone else, but the winter blues having been getting me down.  When my world feels off  each dog shares something with me that makes it feel alright again.  With Silver it playing tag or fetch with her, just watching her play is a joy.  Special kisses from Zappa because Daddy's dog.  With Fiona it is her laying on my feet at night for that sense of security.  Blaze will plop down in front of me waiting for kisses on the forehead and Chance makes everything better by letting me snuggle and hold him when I'm feeling down.  And while everyone played their part today it was my walk with Brut that settled my soul and brought peace to my little world.  

We went around my favorite time, just before dusk.  I hooked Brut up to pull a small log (maybe 10 pounds) because in the winter this snow dog has too much energy for me to handle.  :)  And we headed off.  And I felt the weight of my sorrows and troubles begin to just melt away as we jogged along.  I let him decide most of the path and I just followed.  It will always blow my mind how deeply in sync we can be.  There have been more than enough walks that we push and pull against each other, even if it is in fun, it can be exhausting.  With Brut pulling he had to think about what he was doing, plus he was using different muscles and pulling weight was wearing himself out.  I felt like we were in our own little world.  It was so perfect.  And as my depression worked itself out with each footprint and the cold put a freeze on all of the bad and worthless thoughts, I felt the rippling between us of two being one.

And it was just that simple.  Just Brut and I and the perfect walk.  The need to be alone in our solitude together.  Understanding each other's need and the equality that this was our walk.  For both of us, hidden in our fortress of the waning sky where we can just be.  

What does your dog give you for that peace of mind when your world feels astray?    

They're Just "Dogs"

I've been through many things in my life that nearly killed me in me in some way or another.  The horrific life I've lived has left lasting emotional scars that have left their mark like a branding.  The only constant through this hell has been animals, particularly dogs and the close contact I have been so blessed with through my life.  Being able to look into those eyes, no matter what was happening, gave me the peace of mind and comfort to carry on another day, another hour, another minute, because all I ever saw was love.  That piercing unconditional love that reached deep inside of me to let me know there was more than all of this.  One dog started my journey that lead to every animal I ever encountered and those that I was so privileged to have in my life that has aided in this lifelong healing with every painful step I have taken.  I can not begin to share my gratitude.

I have scraped the bottom of the barrel so many times in my life that I didn't know which way was up anymore.  I have felt more worthless than one person should ever have to feel in a day, let alone a lifetime and I have never felt a reason to really be alive.  This was more than being in a tough spot, it has been a way of life that I have been trapped in with no possible way out.  Scary doesn't begin to describe it.  So many times I didn't know if I was going to make it through, or if I even wanted to.  Ideas I still struggle with on varying levels as far as my self worth and value because of my past and today was one of those days.

No matter how far I try to runaway in my mind, no matter what horrors from the past reappear to try and haunt me I have nine tangible beings that help keep me grounded and here.  No matter how I feel, or what I think about who I am, it is the eyes and fur of these living being in this home that never let me get too far from the truth.  Over and over they remind me every day of my value and worth to them and the many before them who shared in that same truth.  They never let me forget how much I mean to them and how precious our love for each other is.  They have taught me how to reach out to them all the while reaching out to me when I need it most.  I can not begin to describe the countless times of this out pour of this unconditional love as they constantly rally to prove I deserve it.  For if it wasn't for the many animals I met in my life, I would never know what true love was/is.  Animals saved my life, over and over and over again.  So many times I can't begin to count.  I have never stopped depending on them and the biggest gift I got in return was learning that they depended on me as well.  A concept I am still trying to understand to this day.  I may never know 'why' but they have been teaching me each day to embrace it and who could ask for more than that?