The Returning Gift

I grew up learning dominance training for dogs.  I could never stand the constrain of it, even though I used it in my adult life.  Silver got the brunt of it and it wasn't until getting Brut that I felt even more constricted by conventional training and the need to be free.  I have read maybe three books on dog training and never read any of them in full.  I found positive reinforcement and that helped to loosen up the grip but I still found it lacking in creativity.  I began experimenting with several methods, a mixed bag of things I'd picked up along the way and my own intuition.  I constantly changed and used what I needed at the time or what worked taking things to the next level.  I learned to work within my own pace and the dogs, letting them guide me to where they wanted to go.  I made mental notes along the way for my brain to process and when situations presented themselves, the idea was suddenly there.  I followed the dogs lead many times (oops! that's not the right way) and found I had a better outcome than I when I tried to take the reins.  I thrive on creativity and began to shape and mold the tidbits of information I discovered along the to work for me.  I found that for me something will only work if it is built for both the dogs and I.  If I'm not comfortable with it, then I can not expect my dogs to be.  Over the past several years our lives have been sculpting into this beautiful bond that exist between our dogs and us and we have realized along the way that the journey is almost as good as the results.

Like any parent who wants different for their children, I wanted different for my dogs than how I grew up.  I wanted them to have the freedom to express and think for themselves (gee, how did we end up with Huskies??) and I wanted their personalities to shine, not be stuffed in a box or made to conform.  I wanted them to live and experience life to it's fullest and not be tied down to rules and regulation.  Has it been easy?  No, and sometimes it is harder than hell. And as much as I believe in it, I still struggle within myself the acceptance of being able to do that.  I have beat myself up because my dogs aren't like the other dogs or can't do the same things.  They don't always have the best manners and they have special circumstances that make them outcast compared to other dogs and people I know. Sometimes I am embarrassed and ashamed and will go through periods where I try to "fix them," only to find myself swallowed in guilt, begging their forgiveness, and looking in those soulful eyes asking myself, "what am I doing?"  Then I take a deep breath and bow again to these souls that lift me higher than I should be, reminding me of the reason I started this road.  For these are my own inner struggles to be myself.  I recently discovered that the gift I have been giving them is being returned to me ten fold.  My dogs are teaching me how to have the freedom and beauty to be myself. 

For far too long I have wanted the perfect dog, but my belief in letting them be themselves overrides that want and holds a richness that inspires me to hold myself to the same principles.  A feat still in progress and a journey that we are taking together.      

Confessions

 The Two Packs

When we developed into two packs, I felt rushed to immediately integrate.  When I found that wasn't going to happen I struggled with many inner demons for all the things I had done wrong and the reasons why the dogs could not combine.  If I wasn't being judged by others, I was doing it to myself.  I took on the impression that not having the dogs living as one happy pack was just wrong.  I have hung my head in shame many a time when asked if the dogs were together yet and almost three years later they are not.  I was a failure to myself and my dogs and few understood.

So now what?

Hire a trainer, fix the problem.  Seems easy enough.  Until you take in account our resources for help were very limited.  A bad experience with the only behaviorist for miles and a trainer on the phone who automatically claimed our situation hopeless and deemed getting rid of one or more dogs was our only solution.
These were our "options."

So we did the best we could, with what we knew, with the circumstances we were given.

Countless times I have beaten myself over because we had two packs of dogs and not being able to change the past.  For those first few years, I was in a panic about fixing what I thought was a problem and wanted to change everything that was wrong with it.  We "had" to.  As if it were part of some unbreakable law.  There was a must, an urgency that the dogs needed to come together, or else.  There was an internal pressure of  pushing an imaginary deadline over my head, as I tried to force things in my mind to come up with a solution that I could never find.  All the while managing the best I could while my husband worked to feed our two packs and so we could have a place to sleep.

About six months ago, I noticed a settling down of the dogs.  After all of the uproar of changes that occurred over such a short period of time, things had finally plateaued and begun to even out.  As this shift took place, I found myself breathing again.  We had made it through the worst of all the changes and problems and I suddenly found myself comfortable with our home and the living arrangements of the dogs.  I found for the first time, that I was OK with having two packs and felt secure in our reasons for it.  I was content with the progress that was happening within each of the packs and was enjoying it.  Most importantly, I found I was happy with our arrangement and that I loved the diversity and uniqueness of it. The dogs were really beginning to thrive and I realized that having two packs of dogs was a pretty cool set up.

While I still find myself with twinges of jealousy at other homes that have multiple dogs that get along and have never had to consider or would consider separating as an option, when I come home and look in my dogs eyes, I know we made the right decision. I have no desire to make any drastic changes or moves in uniting them, another decision I am finding myself quite comfortable with.  It has brought a peace of mind and the ability to relax and quit forcing something to happen that isn't necessary for the well being of our dogs.  No one is hurting due to being separated, there is no suffering on anyone's part because they are not all together, and if anything there is less suffering because they are not together.  All of their needs are met.  And I can live with that.  It is more than OK because I would rather have our home be set up under these conditions than get rid of some or all of the dogs.  It is more important than the fact that our household doesn't fit what is considered to be standard and normal.  For so long I thought having two packs was a horrible, unjustifiable problem that needed to be rendered or our household would never survive and because of this I have suffered these years of guilt for feeling like less of a dog owner who should loose her dog owning privileges. If it wasn't for the dogs themselves, I would have never made it through in following our beliefs and what was best for them.  It has been a painful road, but a rewarding one as we had to break our own ground in order to follow our hearts and trust in the will of the dogs.

And if I had it all over to do again?  I would make the same choices but with a clear conscious.

So we may never fit in at the kennel club, we found our solution for our six dogs and have found a way to have a happy and healthy home.  Every choice we made has been based on their well being and out of love for them.  What I thought was so awful and shameful, has turned out to be a gift that I appreciate and enjoy.  By letting go of all of the things I thought "should" be, I have been given a chance to revel and marvel in the life of having two packs of dogs, guilt free, and that my friends is a wonderful blessing I treasure.
 

Monday Memories-Fiona's Gift

 Fiona at four months

Fiona has a gift.  I would have never known it if my husband hadn't coaxed me into letting the Zappa and Fiona sleep with me while he was away.  I always believed dogs shouldn't be allowed on the bed, especially at night, but seeing that I was going to be alone, I let him talk me into it.

Zappa and Fiona were about four months old when I let them start sleeping with me.  After being smashed between them to the point I couldn't move, I began to think twice about our sleeping arrangements. After several nights of this, I decided to keep them in their crates for one night.  I was in need of a good nights rest and I thought this was how I was the only way I was going to get it.

I am prone to nightmares and racing thoughts and this night was no different.  I struggled trying to calm my mind, but found myself in a sheer state of panic.  I jumped out of bed and let Fiona and  Zappa out of their crates and hurried back to bed.  Fiona jumped up on the bed and just stared at me with a look of, "I am your protector, please let me do my nighttime job.  That is why I am here."  I thanked her over and over in relief as she slammed up against my legs and soothed my soul into a restful sleep.  It was then that I understood the power of this little puppy that would continue until this day.

Now her crate is always left open and she sleeps with me every night.  Here's Fiona's gift:  It is the timing of when she gets on the bed.  It is always when my nightmares and scary thoughts are starting to let loose.  She is on the bed in minutes without a word between us.  Every time.  Every time she is right there as those demons start taking hold and she comes to my rescue driving them out.  It is her gift and her job and she takes it very seriously.  It is a gift of rare beauty and one I shall never take for granted.

       Fiona now