Pack Mentality Mom

Even though they were separated, they were so together and in tune with each other and me.
 

I was sitting thinking about Chance, Blaze and Fiona and the grave loss Mark and I have had.  We had spoken earlier about how all this loss felt.  I said, "it still feels like the Twilight Zone." and he said, "it feels like a nightmare."

And as I thought those feelings, somewhere in the midst of it, I thought, I'm a pack dog mom.  I can't operate with just a dog or two.  I need the complexity and togetherness of a pack.  I think like a pack dog, I act like a pack dog, I am a pack dog.  I think that is why I struggle with Zappa, I've known him through the pack.  It is almost like I am hardwired that way.  Like a Husky.  

See, through the day I'll be going along just fine and then all the sudden I will feel out of sorts.  Then I start thinking what is wrong with me?  What's going on?  That's when it starts feeling like a Twilight Zone episode.  I will either freak out or slump into a depression.  I've had dogs in the past, single dogs that I didn't experience that pack mentality with, but when we had the puppies and then the six dogs, I got it.  Even though I didn't realize how much I had it until the loss of the three, then I felt it.  Losing that pack mentality, I feel lost.  Like I can't think for myself.  A huge emptiness.

And if I'm feeling that, I can't begin to imagine what Zappa must be feeling and going through all by himself.  Somehow this clicked for me, I wonder if it has clicked for him.  I know he likes to be with both Mark and I when he can.  And the cats are venturing out more, so they will also be part of his "pack."  

Even so, I'm beginning to see where Zappa has been coming from with his actions and behaviors.  He's lost too.  We are navigating new roads and plowing new paths and we are doing it together.  Neither of know how to operate without a pack, so we will make a new and figure it out together.  

Second Step of Integration-The Door

First I'd like to thank our readers and supporters.  You guys are terrific!  We wouldn't be this far in our dog journey if it wasn't for all of you.  So, THANK YOU!

I started a couple of weeks ago with step 1 of integrating the two dogs packs, which was separating them while fixing their food, because they were fighting at the door that divides them.  It is something that has went on for some time, on occasion, but since Brut's death and recently with Silver's passing the fighting (growling, snarling, snapping, teeth bared) has increased in frequency and intensity.  So I took them away from the door, by putting them in their rooms while I get their meals together.  Worked out great!

That same day after they ate for the first time without all that worked up anxiety, I started blocking the door with my body, making them back up from it to stop the barking at the door.  When I got one side settled I went to the other side and settle that dog.  And I just kept going back and forth until they gave up.

Now Chance has a habit of rushing the door when he comes in from outside and Zappa is always on the other side ready to do battle.  I couldn't figure out how to stop him for the longest time.  It took a couple of days before it dawned on me I could open the fridge door and block the hallway that leads to separation door.  Don't worry, hubby is making me a board to slide back and forth.  No need to pay the energy company more than they need!  So after Chance circles back after seeing the blockage, I give him a treat when he comes to me.  Then I go to the other side and make Zappa back up and sit then treat.  Problem he's caught on how to get a treat, bark and here I come.  So one time when Zappa was being a royal pain and wouldn't stop barking because I wouldn't give him a treat, I put him in his room, he shut up and that worked out great.

And for those times I don't make it in time to stop a debate, I have a shaker can and a cowbell to get their attention.  Thankfully I have only had to use them a few times, but they are nice to have around.

So far it is going good.  The first 4 or 5 days were a little hairy, but now they only bark at the door with each other, instead of fight. At least the ones I don't get to in time.  They are short burst of "talking."  Things have really calmed down this last week.  I doubt it is all over, given the chance they would do it again, but for now we are moving forward with our "plan" as it comes to me.  :)

Here's a short video of our progress:  (or on YouTube)

Forgive me if this post may seem a little jumbly, for some reason it was difficult to write.

My Observation-Blaze's shift in the pack

Before Blaze was spayed two years ago, she was driven by her hormones.  Her purpose was to reproduce, be a mother and carry on her genes.  Because of this drive, she never cared much for treats and food wasn't a priority as her meals were provided. This left her to focus on other things in order to seek out her purpose.

Then we had her spayed and her role in the pack changed.  Blaze became a foodie.  

Our vet has made this reference a few times about "her role in the pack changing," and I didn't totally understand what she meant by that.  

It has taken a year of Brut being gone to start to grasp this change and how spaying Blaze at seven years old changed her role in the pack.

When Brut died, all the dogs went through changes in their packs and as a whole, but the one that stuck out the most was Blaze.  She thought she still had that same purpose, that hormonal instinct because Brut was still intact when he died.  With Brut still able to reproduce, Blaze still had her same drive only it was weakened by the drastic change to her hormone levels and she still went through the motions of having her heats.  It was when Brut died that Blaze lost that "hope" of being a mother and having a family, the only thing she knew she was born for, to reproduce.  Her soul purpose was eliminated and so the her role changed from Alpha dog to Beta dog where getting food became her soul purpose.  So it wasn't just Brut's attitude and snarls that kept the order intact, it was that hormonal flow that permeated the packs. It was biological.  

Funny thing is, Brut's happiest year, was the year before he died.  The year that Blaze was fixed.  

It was Brut's death and my grief that led to her gaining about 6 pounds last year.  Six pounds is a lot for a dog who should only be about 63 pounds.  

My grief crippled me those first few months and instead of walks, I played treat games so as not to have to leave any of the dogs. I needed them as a group to help with the loss of Brut.  

I might have noticed the weight gain by fall, but still stayed in denial about it.  It wasn't until this spring that I noticed how heavy Blaze had gotten and the vet made that observation about changes in her pack role when the light bulb went off.

Spaying Blaze changed her purpose.  She went from a hierarchy position where we felt equal with each other to second in command.  THAT'S what was so amazing for me having  dogs that are intact, there is an equality between you and them, especially emotionally and spiritually.   They are no different a species as you are and I find it kind of sad that it is so quickly taken away from them by one trip to the vet because people are so irresponsible.  There is nothing better than that feeling of being on the same level with someone, but it is quite special to be one with your dog.  It is probably why Brut and I were so keen on each other and understood the other's moves.

I know there is more to this role changing than Blaze becoming a food obsessed dog.  This change didn't effect her personality or our relationship, but it is like an invisible shift that took over my sweet girl and now with Brut gone it is even more noticeable.  I am intrigued with the changing of Blaze's role in the pack.  I will be observing further into what this means for her and if there is more to this story.

Fascinating stuff! 

the Power of One-on-One Attention

White Dog Army from White Dog Diaries Online made an important comment that I thought I would share and expand upon.

"One-on-one is so crucial especially in families with big packs."

I found it as a coping tool that when all the dogs were too much at once, I would take one and run away with them.  I still do.  I've found the best way not only for me, but the dogs as well is taking that one-on-one time with each and every one.  It's taking that quality time and giving it all to one, be it 15 minutes or an hour.  And as many of you commented on this post you felt the same way.  Having and giving that complete individual attention with each dog makes for a happier pack and makes the pack easier to manage.  

Taking that special time with one dog, they loosen up out that strong pack mentality and are a little more carefree with letting more of their true personalities show.  There's no pressure or threats or vying for your attention, they have all of you and they have no problem giving all of themselves to you.  It's in those moments and quiet time when you really bond and forge a new level of true love.  You understand each other better, there's a little more peace of mind and you embrace these secret meetings like nothing else matter but you two.  The time together is priceless and immeasurable.  It is precious and true and is so vital in staying in tune with each individual dog and the pack as a whole.  And being a solitary person, taking that one-on-one time just came natural to me when dealing with a "crowd."  It is like sharing secrets that the others will never know.  And it is those secrets you share in a look in the hustle and bustle of the pack that you know will hold true forever.     

Confessions

 The Two Packs

When we developed into two packs, I felt rushed to immediately integrate.  When I found that wasn't going to happen I struggled with many inner demons for all the things I had done wrong and the reasons why the dogs could not combine.  If I wasn't being judged by others, I was doing it to myself.  I took on the impression that not having the dogs living as one happy pack was just wrong.  I have hung my head in shame many a time when asked if the dogs were together yet and almost three years later they are not.  I was a failure to myself and my dogs and few understood.

So now what?

Hire a trainer, fix the problem.  Seems easy enough.  Until you take in account our resources for help were very limited.  A bad experience with the only behaviorist for miles and a trainer on the phone who automatically claimed our situation hopeless and deemed getting rid of one or more dogs was our only solution.
These were our "options."

So we did the best we could, with what we knew, with the circumstances we were given.

Countless times I have beaten myself over because we had two packs of dogs and not being able to change the past.  For those first few years, I was in a panic about fixing what I thought was a problem and wanted to change everything that was wrong with it.  We "had" to.  As if it were part of some unbreakable law.  There was a must, an urgency that the dogs needed to come together, or else.  There was an internal pressure of  pushing an imaginary deadline over my head, as I tried to force things in my mind to come up with a solution that I could never find.  All the while managing the best I could while my husband worked to feed our two packs and so we could have a place to sleep.

About six months ago, I noticed a settling down of the dogs.  After all of the uproar of changes that occurred over such a short period of time, things had finally plateaued and begun to even out.  As this shift took place, I found myself breathing again.  We had made it through the worst of all the changes and problems and I suddenly found myself comfortable with our home and the living arrangements of the dogs.  I found for the first time, that I was OK with having two packs and felt secure in our reasons for it.  I was content with the progress that was happening within each of the packs and was enjoying it.  Most importantly, I found I was happy with our arrangement and that I loved the diversity and uniqueness of it. The dogs were really beginning to thrive and I realized that having two packs of dogs was a pretty cool set up.

While I still find myself with twinges of jealousy at other homes that have multiple dogs that get along and have never had to consider or would consider separating as an option, when I come home and look in my dogs eyes, I know we made the right decision. I have no desire to make any drastic changes or moves in uniting them, another decision I am finding myself quite comfortable with.  It has brought a peace of mind and the ability to relax and quit forcing something to happen that isn't necessary for the well being of our dogs.  No one is hurting due to being separated, there is no suffering on anyone's part because they are not all together, and if anything there is less suffering because they are not together.  All of their needs are met.  And I can live with that.  It is more than OK because I would rather have our home be set up under these conditions than get rid of some or all of the dogs.  It is more important than the fact that our household doesn't fit what is considered to be standard and normal.  For so long I thought having two packs was a horrible, unjustifiable problem that needed to be rendered or our household would never survive and because of this I have suffered these years of guilt for feeling like less of a dog owner who should loose her dog owning privileges. If it wasn't for the dogs themselves, I would have never made it through in following our beliefs and what was best for them.  It has been a painful road, but a rewarding one as we had to break our own ground in order to follow our hearts and trust in the will of the dogs.

And if I had it all over to do again?  I would make the same choices but with a clear conscious.

So we may never fit in at the kennel club, we found our solution for our six dogs and have found a way to have a happy and healthy home.  Every choice we made has been based on their well being and out of love for them.  What I thought was so awful and shameful, has turned out to be a gift that I appreciate and enjoy.  By letting go of all of the things I thought "should" be, I have been given a chance to revel and marvel in the life of having two packs of dogs, guilt free, and that my friends is a wonderful blessing I treasure.
 

Monday Memories-A Look Back

 The Back Dogs

Our lives have been in heartache, pain and joy for the past three years.  When  Alex died we were devastated, then six months later Silver gave birth to ten healthy puppies.  In three months all of the puppies found homes, and we were left with what we now call the Back Dogs, Daddy Dog Brut, Mommy Dog Silver, and their two puppies, Zappa and Fiona.  Things were just starting to simmer down, when four months later one of our puppies from our litter, Blaze came back home from an abusive owner.  Suddenly our home was in chaos again as we had to separate Blaze from the others because the Back Dogs wouldn't accept her.  Thankfully Chance, another puppy from our litter came back home four months after Blaze and they would be known as the Front Dogs.  What a blessing as Chance and Blaze's owners were related and Chance and Blaze practically grew up together.

  The Front Dogs

The experience was overwhelming and painful as we did our best to help in healing the Front Dogs wounds from their previous owners as well as heal Brut and his aggressions.  It was a rocky and winding road with many twist and turns.  It was a difficult time and we struggled with knowing what to do sometimes.  Then there were days when everything seem to fall in place and there was peace that let us know everything was alright and that we were doing the right thing.

Looking back it was a stressful time but a wonderful time of growth and healing for all of us and what seemed so strange in the beginning has become our normal.  Six dogs divided into two packs, a divided house and yard have become a natural way of life.  Our family is beginning to settle into our routines and we are finding stability and grounding in our home that has been in upheaval since Alex died.  We have been able to really sit back, relax and enjoy our time with our two packs.  I don't know if they will ever be integrated but we are OK with that because for now we are enjoying our family right where they are at. We are really beginning to savor this new stable period and enjoy the progress everyone has made.  It's like finally being able to breathe a quiet sigh of relief, soak in the happiness and take some time to enjoy our odd family.  And isn't that what family is all about?  

24 Paws of Success

We had an amazing day with the dogs today.  We rarely have company, but today a couple of friends came over for dinner.  These two friends have met each dog several times individually and not at our home.  We weren't worried, but the dogs act different together in their packs and at home then they do when they are alone and out and about. 

Since these friends weren't complete strangers, most of the battle was already won, but how would they take to these friends being in their home?  They were fantastic.  They didn't act any different then if it was just us home.  All of the dogs were comfortable and relax and seeing that they had already developed a bond with these friends made all the difference.  This made a very relaxing day and eliminated any concerns we might have had with the dogs. 

A simple experience that turned out beautifully.  We are both so proud of all of the dogs that gives us more confidence in them considering the limited exposure they have had to company in the house.  It was a great feeling to be able to trust them not realizing the prep work we had already done was going to pay off so well.  We are both pleased with the success and welcome the chance to do it again.

A Little Mommy Time

Many days I feel like my days are well balanced between the two packs.  There are days when one pack may receive more attention than the other or days when certain dogs are singled out, but I still try to maintain a balance and meet everyone needs.  Then there are days like today when I feel like I have failed every single one of them. 

It is these low days when I find myself in mental exhaustion that I just don't have the energy to give them much and they suffer.  At least I think they do because it makes me suffer.  There is nothing worse than not being able to give the simple things that I believe dogs need.  A walk, playtime, training.  I just couldn't do it today and it was difficult day with that fact alone, not to mention all the other stresses that have brought me down.  It makes me feel like the worse dog mom in the world.  It's difficult maintaining two packs of dogs, there is a constant back and forth that can be maddening at times.  The constant division is just that, division.  It hurts that things must be that way for now and sometimes makes me wish there had been a way to see into the future of Chance and Blaze's return for I would have never let them go in the first place.  That along with a number of other things I wish I could have done differently in raising my dogs.  I would like to fix everything between the two packs to make them one right now.  Yes, I have many regrets, things I would love to do over and sometimes have a hard time accepting things as they are now, but I also know I can't change what I didn't know and what happened.  Although sometimes it would be nice to start over.

I do believe everything happens for reason and that things have a way of working themselves out.  I have found taking baby steps and making mistakes along the way have brought all of the dogs closer to being reunited with each other.  Sometimes when depression gets the best of me, it is hard to see the progress and the reasons why, but I do know they are there.  It these days that I want to just curl up with all of them and tell them how sorry I am for screwing up.

For more on the two packs you can read:  How We Became Two Packs

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Monday Memories-The White Pack

Brut and  Silver had 3 mini-packs in their litter:  3 puppies in the Husky-looking pack, 3 black puppies with white on their chest and paws pack and...

 the 4 puppies that made up the white pack, all hanging on to Mommy at one day old. 

Special walks

Zappa ready to go

Having six dogs it is easy to get overwhelmed at times and being human has it's limitations.  Trying to meet all the dog's needs and our special circumstances of two packs can be difficult.  It seems they are always up and ready for action all at the same time while it seems my energy is spent or I'm busy with other things.  These are the days I have to break everything down and concentrate my energy on one or two dogs. 

There is something about that quality one-on-one time, usually by taking a walk, where I can catch my breath and relax.  A little get to know them time.  This helps me ease my mind knowing for that half hour or so someone is getting my undivided attention.  It is in these moments that I gain a personal connection that I don't normally have in our house of dogs and being able to focus on just one.  I think the same goes for the dog.  I believe they appreciate being singled out and spending that extra time with me.

This is why rides with Daddy are so popular around our house.  Everyone dances, sings and shakes for that quality time with Daddy.  They don't seem to care that they are left in the car while he does his jobs, they just enjoy his company without the competition of the other dogs.  There have been a few times when Daddy has taken two dogs at the same time and he said, it just isn't the same.  They will squabble for the front seat and then someone is left in the back which takes away from that special time together.

Today was one of those days.  I just couldn't do it all.  So Zappa and I took off for walk and then I came back and got Brut.  It was wonderful.  That simple quiet time of reconnecting with them as individuals.  Zappa becomes more independent away from Brut, marking everything he can.  Brut followed his path afterward and remarked everything for him.

Having this time together is very effective and helps to center me so that I am mentally ready to handle the two packs again.

Brut walking in the sunshine

    

How We Became Two Packs

Front Dogs

Back Dogs

Some of you may not be aware that our six dogs are divided into two packs and you may wonder why.   When Brut and Silver had their puppies, we kept Zappa and Fiona and they formed a pack, the Back Dogs.  Chance and Blaze (Front Dogs) who were part of our litter returned at almost a year old, both abused and to the Back Dogs they were strangers. 

I was just learning about socializing before Front Dogs came back, but had no ways or means to do it. That's when we decided to take BRUT to the only behaviorist within 100 miles. We were not comfortable with her or her methods and after she kicked Brut on purpose while he lay at our feet, we knew we were never going back.  (More details in a later post)

After Blaze came back and the Back Dogs wouldn't accept her, I called a dog trainer for some advice on how to introduce the dogs.  After giving him a complete history on the phone, he informed me of two things.  1.  I didn't know what I was getting into, and  2. I was going to have to give up one or more dogs.  I may not have known everything I was getting into, but I was willing to try and make it work.  Giving up any of the dogs was NOT an option.  Not long after Blaze came back, Chance came back.  Chance coming back was a miracle for Blaze and us.  She wasn't alone anymore and neither was Chance as they grew up together because their owners were related.

So after dealing with the "experts," we realized we were on our own to figure this out.  Besides who knows our dogs better than us?  There are many books on dogs, but is there a book on just Blaze?  Or Brut?  Or any of the others?

So we divided the house and the yard in order to make things work for this time period.  Blaze and CHANCE have needed extensive time to heal from the abuse from their previous owners.  Brut has needed the time to learn how to socialize within his pack and proper alpha dog corrections.  We are getting very close with him, mostly from what he has learned from Zappa and Fiona.  Post: Brut and the Power of Love   If we had tried to force these dogs together before their healing began to take place, it would have done more damage than good.

Blaze and Zappa

Zappa (Back Dog) and Blaze (Front Dog) are able to hang out together.  If you read BLAZE'S STORY you'll see they took to each other shortly after Blaze came back.  We still let them put them together when Chance goes with Daddy.  There is a bit of a riff between Chance and Zappa over Blaze.  They each think they saw her first.

Silver and Chance

Silver (Back Dog) and Chance (Front Dog) are also able to hang out together.  Silver usually struts her alpha dog style during playtime, but her defenses break down enough in order for a few rare moments of connection with Chance and it is well worth it.  We have also taken one Back Dog and one Front Dog for walks together as well and each time notice more and more improvement. 




There have been many challenges along the way but each step has been a reward.  We had our header photo made to give a visual of the integration between the two packs.  We know we have a tough road ahead, but we have plenty of time to do it.  We believe in taking things slow, for the dogs and ourselves.  We want to make sure that each time there is contact it is positive and productive.  We have always believed everything happens for a reason and as this journey has been unfolding we have come to trust that even more.  We believe by design we are taking the road less traveled, and we have the faith and trust that bringing these two packs together will someday be a reality.  No matter how we look at it, they are still the 24 Paws of Love. 

      





      

The Love of Two Packs

There are many different aspects to having two separate dog packs.  Each dog is unique, individually and within their pack.  Though I try to divide my time equally between them both, there are certain days I find myself being drawn to one pack or the other.

Front Dogs-Chance and Blaze

When I'm struggling through a rough day, I find myself drawn to the Front Dogs.  I find a strength and comfort in them due to their heightened sensitivity and nurturing instinct.  They seem to understand the pain I am feeling because of they are able to relate to it coming from abusive homes.  I have also found they have a stronger appreciation for being taken care of and they rarely "demand" anything of me.  They are full of life and exuberant at expressing it.  Whether it is in playtime or quiet time.  They are always grateful for any time spent with us and being loved.  How simple.  How wonderfully beautiful.

Back Dogs-Fiona, Zappa, Silver, and Brut

 (our only recent picture of all four Back Dogs together.)

Since the Back Dogs have all been with us from the beginning and always have had their needs met, there is a strong stability within them.  While the Front Dogs can be high strung and anxious, I find myself lured to Back Dogs and a sense of security.  When life seems uncertain or the walls are closing in it is the maturity of the Back Dogs that stands out.  There is a unbreakable foundation that exist between the four of them that lets me know everything is OK.  There is a firm trust and an undeniable calm within their pack that can bring my frayed emotions to an inner peace again.  It is powerful and stunning.

The dynamics between the Front Dogs and the Back Dogs is a unconditional.  How simple and expressive each pack is in their own distinctive way.  I have also become aware how dependent I am on these differences to meet my own needs and to fulfill theirs.  I am mystified by the rich diversity of love and energy  both packs offer.  They may seem divided, but are united through us.