Wrapping up summer

 I come to the blog every day.  I always seem to find all kinds of things to write about, until I'm actually on that blank post, then all the words and thoughts and feelings trickle down from my brain and leave me empty.  

That's how my whole summer has gone.  It has been a very, very long summer without any dogs.  Every day seemed to drag into the next.  The evenings were the worst part of the day. That's when it would really get to me.  Or going outside alone with no doggie company.  The cats helped, but they couldn't make up for the loss of dogs or the fact that they weren't dogs.  

Time has been hard to fill. It doesn't help either that I have a bum knee and I am limited as to what I can do.  That made it worse.  When I really wanted to get something done and distract my mind, I wasn't able to do it.  To say I was depressed this summer would be an understatement. 

 And while I didn't blog much this summer, I did journal.  Every day.  

I still say good night to all the pups every night.  And if wasn't for that spiritual connection with the dogs, I would have never made it through this summer. 

It did help that the cats were still here.  We've gotten to know each other all over again, which has been good.  And since Boxer is terminal, I've been getting extra quality time with him, that I wouldn't have gotten if there were dogs around.     

Now we will be going into our first fall and winter without any dogs.  I hope Mark and I don't kill each other.  lol  There isn't anything worse than being cooped up all winter without the love of dogs to get you through.  We have decided not to get a dog until sometime after Boxer goes.  It would be way too much stress on him at this time with his cancer.  So we're going to try and make the best of everything and hope for the best.  We only have one life to live and there's nothing better than trying to live it.

Take care my friends.  ♥        

The cats

Boxer on top, Leia on the bottom.

I don't mention the cats much, because, well, this is a dog blog, but they have been in our lives since before the 24 Paws.  Boxer and Princess Leia have become a great source of comfort over the last couple of years in dealing with the dogs' illnesses and deaths.  

I've discovered a new love for the cats after the dogs passed.  Boxer and I have played aggravation with each other for years.  After 17 years of it, I think we have finally come to a unanimous truce.  I'm sure it has something to do with age, but don't tell him I said that.  Boxer thinks he finally wore me down and won the game.  lol

It is never easy caring for sick dogs.  You're heart breaking every day on borrowed time.  The cats were my escape from that.  After their nightly meal we would curl up together in their bed and snuggle.  Sometimes I would cry and Boxer would head butt me over and over.  

My relationships with the cats, is complicated, probably because they are cats. My previous two cats were more like dogs than cats and did not prepare me for how catty Boxer and Leia are.  I've been shocked and appalled at how much cattiness Boxer and Leia have in them.

Boxer, my tuxedo cat, is the dominate angry cat.  He is always glaring and disgusted with something. (usually me)  I swear the only time he is happy is being fed and being on my lap, otherwise, he's angry.

Leia, my Siamese, is psycho.  Simply put.  She is hyper off the charts.  She isn't mean or angry...she is just crazy.  I have to use my "get a grip" tone of voice to get her to back off from me. She is the pesky little sister that bugs Boxer and me.   

It's been a completely different household having just cats, that I have slowly learned to enjoy again.  Since they are both older, Boxer is 18 years old and Leia is 16 years old, I appreciate their quiet pace.

We found out a few weeks ago that Boxer has a rare, aggressive form of cancer.  We have seen two different vets and an oncologist.  There is an option of surgery, but the space is tight and they may not be able to get clean margins.  That means since it is aggressive, it will come back again.  We have opted not to do the surgery and they gave him three months to live.  That's how fast this cancer spreads. So, we are spending every minute possible with him.    

Leia has kidney disease (which is common in cats) that is being regulated with special food and supplements.  She is pretty stable and we try to keep her that way by making sure she eats. So far, so good.

So, while our lives have changed with the loss of the dogs, we still have Boxer and Leia to hold on to for however long we may have with them.    

 

Need some predators...

 Without a house and yard full of dogs, our property has turned into a woodland wonderland.  I never realized how much 6 dogs kept the critters in check.  Not that we didn't have wildlife before, but now they are everywhere.  

The rabbits have been the worst.  Wrecking havoc on the memorial garden.  They killed one burning bush that was for my cat by stripping away the bottom half of the bark.  They chewed two other bushes all the way to the crown and gnawed my wild roses in half. All plants that I've had for years and years.  I don't know how they survived, but they did. Thank goodness they didn't get the dogs roses.  

Other creatures we are seeing is a couple of feral cats, who think they own the yard.  I don't mind them, they are keeping the mice population down.  But they will be in for a rude awakening when we do get another dog.  There are opossums walking freely during the day and moles, who have taken over the yard.  Fiona was our mole catcher, and they've gone crazy since she has been gone.   

And if that wasn't enough, we have a chipmunk that makes daily in-home visits.  We've tried everything to block where the little guy comes in, but to no avail.  I haven't decided how I feel about him feeling so comfortable in our home, but I know I don't want him in there over the winter!  

If you have ever heard of how the ecosystem was restored at Yellowstone when the introduced two wolves onto the park and how out of control the land was before the wolves were put on the scene.  That's what it feels like at our house, an entire upset of the balance of nature.  I need some predators to put things back in order.  

In time... 

Better for knowing them.

 We lost beloved dog blogger, Carrie Noar (Houndstooth).  She was a devoted blogger, which is so rare these days.  Carrie's blog, Tales and Tails was about her dogs and life.  The last few years were tough for her,  as she battled breast cancer and brain lesions.  

Carrie's passion was for Greyhounds.  She had several over the years and had to leave her last two babies behind.  I think of them and her husband.  Such a difficult place to be in.  I can't begin to imagine.  

Carrie knew how to tell a story.  It didn't matter what the subject, but it always had to do with Greyhounds and dogs.  It wasn't always a pretty picture she painted, but she had a way of adding just the right amount of humor to make the worst story about her dogs, one the best.  

I'd been following her blog for several years.  I discovered it through a blog hop, about the time I started the 24 Paws, twelve years ago.  And she's been a part of my life for that long.  When I heard the news of her passing, I didn't know what to think.  I didn't know she was getting worse.  I know she fought the fight.  You just don't think it can happen.  And although we never met or talked, I cared for her as I do all my blogging and FB friends.  You are all like family to me.  

In the past 7 months, this is the 4th couple that I have known to have lost a spouse.  Not to mention the loss of two dogs that were like family to us and Zappa.  It has been a tough year for us, with so many deaths in such a short time.  But like Carrie and the others, we were so blessed to know them when they were here.  And our lives are better for knowing them.  ♥  

The pick-up game with Fiona--2 year Anniversary

 I never really got a chance to grieve Fiona.  Zappa took over her blanket and most of my thoughts, getting him through that time period of losing the three dogs.  So, now with the blanket free I've begun the process of sadness for my little girl.  Chance and Brut may have been my heart dogs, but Fiona was my love.  She was the one who went out of her way to cheer me up.  Fiona was so full of love, sweetness, and affection.  She had no problem expressing her love.  She was precious that way.  

I'd been teaching Fiona to pick up toys and other items off the ground, then she would immediately drop them.  I tried everything to get her to hold the item in her mouth for at least a second more with the hopes that she would drop it in my hand or lap.  She was way too excited to hang on to the item.  She wanted that treat.  lol  So, one day I'm having a tough day and Fiona just starts picking up and dropping items on the floor.  It was so darn cute and she had me laughing in no time.  

Fiona was definitely special.  So sweet and loveable.  She had a way of touching my spirit when I needed it most.  And every time in between.  

To my girl, 

I can't believe it has been two years since we played our game.  Or saw your smile.  Or how you shook your booty when you were excited.  Two years...and not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

I love you, Fiona. ♥

2nd Anniversary--Dear Chance,

I'm sitting here thinking about the best damn dog, I've ever had, respectively.  An awesome tower of power and serious goofiness with a racehorse quality that was all your own.  

It is more than memories that I have shared with you, it was the experience. It was my soul.  Both of us being such nervous Nellies, until we got on the trail and got some footing under our belts.  Those were the best times.  

It was like we just cut into each other.  Jagged pieces of a puzzle that just snapped together at the same time.  

I loved your serious face and thoughts.  A deep thinker.  Task oriented.  Everything was a job and your mission was to complete. You wanted direction. You didn't care to lead, but you learned to enjoy it when you were given the chance. 

You ran with wind, fire and ice through your veins. Like a thoroughbred.  Running because you could.   Oh, how I love to watch you run.

Your heart had a big hole in the middle.  Just like mine.  Somehow, someway our love for each other filled it.  

Two years of missing you.  Two years of not having your physical presence.  Two years of knowing I have to wait to see you again.   

Thank you for being my best friend.  A treasure I will always keep close to my heart.

Love ya Chance ♥

  

Thank you blog friends

 I don't know what I want to write.  I've just come here to write.  To talk. To laugh. To cry with all of you.  My blogger/FB friends. I feel an overwhelming need to thank all of you, for just being who you are. For following the 24 Paws until the end.  It means a lot to me to know that so many of you were there from the blog's beginning until the end.  I don't know how many times after the tough days of Brut and dogs fights your encouraging words would carry me through another day.  Or when Chance and Blaze came back and I was juggling two packs.  Yea, that was tough, but there you were again, cheering me on to do the best I could do. Then there was that one year of peace, well almost peace, with all the dogs.  Like it was the last hurrah, before Brut died.  Then Silver.  Then Blaze, Chance and Fiona.  And now Zappa.  And you were there for me through it all.  Along with your words. Your words meant the world to me.  And I just wanted to let you all know,  thank you for being there with us and the 24 Paws of Love.  Love ya~Patty  

Just dogs? Let's get real

I am sitting here thinking how I got to this point in my life and the passing of Blaze, Chance and Fiona all so close together and now Zappa.  I'm thinking how I didn't want to have puppies when my husband came up with the idea after getting Silver.  How we went through the hassle of trying to breed Silver with a couple of studs before getting Brut.  And I'm thinking of the night all the puppies were born, having never witnessed a birth before, and the miracle of ten healthy puppies.  Two we would keep and two would come back home to us, thus beginning the two packs of the 24 Paws of Love.  For thirteen years, this was our life.  

But it went even deeper than that.  Being bipolar, having PTSD and surviving almost 30 years of childhood abuse and I never went to therapy for any of it, the dogs were my counselors.  I would not have survived the after effects of the flashbacks and memories, if it were not for those dogs that we bred, on purpose, and having all those little pups.  I took the harder road, because there was no one I could trust with my secrets except hubby, Mark and six dogs.  And after a while even Mark couldn't help me anymore, it was just me and the dogs.  

Let that sink in for a minute.  

Brain washed for practically 30 years, molested, raped, abused and tortured and the only ones who could help me were the dogs we bred together and the family that came out it.  And now all of the healers are dead and gone.  Brut, Silver, Blaze, Chance, Fiona and Zappa.  That tells me how far I've come and that their purpose on Earth is complete.  No one told me it would hurt this much to be so proud and honored at the same time.  I have mixed feelings that I can't even begin to explore at this time.  Maybe in another post.  I mean, how do you inhale and digest all of that information?  Those puppies that I didn't want to have, saved my life, my soul, my mind over and over again.  How do I thank them?  How do I ever repay them?  

And because the abuse was so damaging it took every one of those dogs to help me trust my husband fully and completely.  And I never realized any of this until they all died.  Until they all died.  I'm still in total shock and grief with just that fact alone, but to come to this epiphany is way beyond my comprehension.  All these years I thought I knew and understood what unconditional love was from a dog.  I was no where close.  No where.  They had more purpose and value than what I gave them and I gave them a lot.  So much more will be revealed.  

Mindblowing!