Confessions of a grieving dog mom #4-No one told me I might have resentments

Chevy and the roses of the 24 Paws of Love

The first month with Chevy was bliss...and then I found myself with resentments that I wasn't prepared to have.  I was suddenly in the anger stages of my grief over the 24 Paws of Love.  I loved Chevy, but he wasn't Brut, Silver, Zappa, Fiona, Chance or Blaze.  I didn't realize I had an expectation of finding another Paw.  What made it even more difficult was that Chevy was a complete opposite of the 24 Paws.  In almost every way.  I felt like every day I was losing the 24 Paws faster and faster with Chevy being here.  I never missed six dogs so much in all my life and I struggled to keep my focus on Chevy.  It was a bit of a trying time with Chevy settling in and my resentments.  If it wasn't for the structure Chevy and I were building with feedings, downtime, training, playtime and walks, it would have been a whole lot worse, but we carried on together. 

It wasn't Chevy himself that I was angry at, it was just the fact that we were here at this point in our lives.  The 24 Paws ending and Chevy beginning.  It opened a new wave of grief over the 24 Paws.  Angry for what would never be again.  Angry for what we had and angry for grieving all over on an entirely different level with Chevy here.  I felt like I was in the middle of the Paws and Chevy and couldn't decide which way to go.  My loyalty was being stretch in both directions and my first devotion was always to the Paws while struggling to give my heart to Chevy.  

Chevy was his own dog with his own personality and quirks.  For some reason I thought that Chevy would be part of the 24 Paws of Love in some way, shape or form.  That I would "see" the 24 Paws in him or signs that they were "there" in Chevy.  But I didn't and that made me sad and angry.  Chevy was a total stranger.  As we were to him and that made it harder to not feel disappointed. 

I was looking for an instant spiritual connection that never came and I was crushed.  Except for the color of Chevy's fur matching Zappa's, Chevy was the exact opposite of the 24 Paws.  In mannerism, behavior, spirit, dog breed, disposition, and temperament.  You name it, he was as far from being one of the 24 Paws as could be.  And I was angry about that.  That fact alone took me to a place in my grief I never thought I could be.   

Then the next big bombshell hit...the anniversaries of the deaths of the 24 Paws.  From Silver in January to Brut in June, with the pups in between. Almost every month had an anniversary in it.  I sunk into one of the worst depression I'd had in a long time.  Going through that period of each of the dog's death's and having a new dog.  It was awful.  (I will note that I'm prone to depression.  So, this wasn't new to me, but the combo made it more difficult.) 

At the same time, Chevy and I were bonding through walks, training and playtime.  It was the highlight of my day being with Chevy, through these dark times.  

Then the strangest thing happened in May, after Chance's and Fiona's anniversary's, I started to feel a shift in my mood, that continued to lift me out of my depression.  And I tell you what, normally I'm depressed in the summer as well, but this past summer was one of the best I'd ever had because of Chevy.  He made everything worthwhile because he was there for me and I was there for him.  

My patient, gentle boy

I have come to a place of harmony with the 24 Paws and Chevy.  The 24 Paws can't be Chevy and Chevy isn't the 24 Paws.  It was a difficult discovery to make and was painful on many levels.  To be honest I still have shots of the anger flare up.  It is there, but I talk myself through it and it doesn't last long.  The 24 Paws were in my life for a reason.  They were a lifestyle.  My entire life was consumed with those 6 Husky-mixes.  It has been hard to let that go and let another dog in.  Oh, that doesn't mean they aren't here or I never think about them, the 24 Paws are very much part of my every day life, but expecting another dog to be part of them...isn't going to happen.  The 24 Paws were who they were and Chevy is exactly who he is.  And if I really think about it, I'm very, very grateful for that.    

Confessions of a grieving dog mom- part 3

 

Three days after Chevy came home with us I got scared.  While everything felt right and I knew we made the right decision getting him, I was afraid of the commitment I'd made to Chevy and if I could mentally and emotionally follow through after losing the 24 Paws..  Taking Chevy in was such a big step for both me and Chevy.  I didn't know what happen to him or why he was at the shelter, except it involved humans.  I was afraid of letting him down.  I'd fallen in love with him from day one, but was afraid of being able to love him for him.  He was the exact same color as Zappa, which I hadn't really noticed when we first saw him and on that third day it scared me.  Then I noticed his eyes.  Chevy is bi-eyed.  His left eye is a caramel color,  matching his fur and was the same color as Brut's left eye was.  It was Chevy's right eye that messed me up.  It is a dark, dark brown.  You can hardly see the pupil it is so dark.  It looked just like Brut's right eye when it filled with blood and was the first sign of what we would eventually discover to be a tumor on his liver.  Looking at Chevy eyes was a huge trigger of Brut and freaked me out.  So, on that fourth day, I laid down with him on his bed and cried.  For him, for me, and the uncertain life we were taking together. 

And as the tears flowed, after a while Chevy started to get up.  He seemed scared. He moved away from me. That's when it dawned on me that probably the last person who cried over him let him go.  I stopped crying and told him, we were in it with him forever.  And ever.  And ever.  And ever. 

Things went fast and slow with our healing.  He was such a fantastic dog who was happy most of the time.  He made it easy.  Every afternoon we would go outside and sit out in the shade and have some decompression time.  Sometimes I would pet him or talk quietly to him about what he'd been through, or I would tell him what a miracle he was to us.  Sometimes we would sit in absolute silence, with just the breeze blowing around us.  Those moments we had together were the glue that held us together.  We connected deeper and deeper each time.  I literally watched him settle into his skin a little more during these times.  That time period was precious.

Chevy's six month Gothcha Day will be this Saturday, December 21.  Right on the Winter Solstice.  I've come to embrace his Zappa coloring, which didn't take long.  I still struggle a little with Chevy's eyes.  I find myself looking at the lighter one more, but at least it isn't as painful to look into both of them.  And as for my fear of being able to love him, Chevy took care of that just being his gentle loving self.  We have been so blessed with Chevy and I can't say it enough.  He is the most amazing dog.  It was so easy to fall in love with him and love him forever.  ♥            

Tribute to the Thundering Herd

 One of best things about blogging is getting to "know" the bloggers and their dogs.  You become attached and invested in both, but we all know it's about the dogs.  All these years, one has always stood out.

Hubby, Mark was hounding me to blog about the dogs, so I finally started investigating different dog blogs.  I looked at several blogs and couldn't really find one that interested me. That is until I stumbled upon The Thundering Herd,  and I was hook.  

It was everything I thought a dog blog should be and then some.  It gave me the inspiration I was searching for in a dog blog.  And best of all they had SIX Huskies, just like us.  All the more reason to try my hand at blogging.  

We went through all the ups and downs with The Thundering Herd and their crazy antics.  Most post were humorous in nature, but there was always that one sad one that we could all relate to....the loss of a dog.  

Which brings me to today, while the original Herd members are all gone, they have four dogs that are part of the new Herd.  Sadly, they recently lost one of the four,  Typhoon, the Little Prince.  And I find myself mourning their loss and mine.  See, they are more than just dogs on a computer screen, the dog's lives were painted alive right in my home as shown through D.K.Wall's eyes.  We could've been neighbors it felt that close.  

So give your dog a hug for five seconds longer and those belly rubs he's begging for today..  Share a few extra treats.  Take walk you've been saving for a special day.  Tell them how much you love them.  And if you know The Thundering Herd, share some love with them too..

This and that

Hello friends, 

Just a little of what's going on.  Hope you are all doing well. 

Boxer-boo

 Boxer was given 3 months to live from his cancer.  Today marks 3 months, 3 weeks and 2 days that he is still alive.  And we are so very grateful!  He is still doing pretty well even though the cancer is starting to spread.  Please pray for him.  Thank you!

Every night when the darkness settles in earlier and dominates the evening it feels like there is dead space.  It is the hardest part of the day when the loss of the dogs, especially Zappa, is prevalent.  

I make my own Christmas cards every year with the dogs in them.  Creating this year's card was a reality check that they are all gone.  

I have an image in my mind of a dog I would like to have.  I hold onto it when times are hard and I'm afraid I'll never have a dog again.  

Every night we still say good night to the 24 Paws.  Mark sings to them and I talk to them or lay silent while holding a pillow or blanket.  I feel their spirits strongest then and it is comforting.   

Until next time...

Patty ♥

Grandpa Mark and Grandson Zappa

Miss him so much.♥

      

Chance's Grief

The first night without Blaze was the worse for Chance.  Mark was up with him most of  the night while Chance paced at several different speeds through the house throughout the night.  Inside, outside he didn't know what to do.  He kept looking for Blaze, even though we showed Chance her body before burying her, but he couldn't find her.  He kept looking from the spot where her body was to the grave.  

The second night Chance sniffed around the grave and dug just a little into the sand on top of it.  The third night he got right on top of the grave and sniffed it for more than a few minutes.  And on the fourth night, just last night, he buried a bone at the head of the grave.  Later today, he dug it up and chewed on it for an hour, outside, standing up the whole time.  When Mark went to take him for a walk, he didn't want to go.  Chance has never turned down a walk.  EVER!  He's still eating and drinking water, which is good, but we found blood in his stool tonight.  Time might be shorter than we think or hoped for our Chance.  Turning down a walk is a good indicator that something is wrong.

So between the cancer and losing Blaze, this might be more than our loving boy can take.  Please keep Chance in your prayers and thoughts.  Thank you!

Brut Thursday-No one

How do I describe this moment?

Silver looked at me then looked away listening to Daddy singing his lullabies in the bedroom to Zappa and Fiona.  Our bedtime treat routine interrupted as she listened intently from the living room, lying on the couch next to me as if the song was for her and her alone.

I could feel the tears welling up immediately.  "Silver, I'm so sorry," I said as I gazed at midnight face.

If there was a dog I took for granted it was Silver.  She was so different from all the other dogs and it was hard to fit her in sometimes.  She tended to get lost in the shuffle.