The best unlaid plans

 It was a new morning.  The clouds were parting for the first time in weeks, showing a faint blue sky and some hazy sunshine.  It was mild again today, the temps in the 30's.  Fantastic weather for mid-January in Northern Michigan.  

Hubby and I had our morning ritual, talking about all we could do on this nice winter day and what we'd like to get done.  For the most part our minds were content.  The dogs were doing well and we couldn't ask for more.  

Despite our excitement over our plans for the day, we moved slowly through the morning hours.  Taking our time with the dogs, when we noticed Fiona in pain.  That darn torn tendon in her right shoulder.   We'd been lucky so far with walks on ice and snow and in the yard, but she most have strained it somehow.  

Watching her pace back and forth is difficult to watch.  Or she stands, then lays, then is back up again, only to walk to another spot and do it again.  

And that was all it took for our day to crash to the floor.  Between Silver's anniversary yesterday, Brut Thursday (today) and Chance, our emotional plate was full, only to have it toppled over now that our little girl was hurting.  It became a day of hugging the dogs and spending time with them.  Which isn't a bad way to spend the day, it was just hard under those circumstances.  It just makes for more tears when you are sad and scared. 

By the end of the afternoon Fiona was doing much better and moving without pain or extra pain medicine.  Mark walked Chance, Blaze was at my feet and Zappa was comfortable in his chair.  

And it turned into a great day after all.  Even with all our plans being squashed and the daylight fading away, we spent the day with the ones we love most, which was the best unlaid plan we could have had.  ♥   

Brut Thursday-Christmas Eve Past

 One of my favorite Christmas pictures of Brut.  I remember that evening very well.  We had a blast!

Brut's first Christmas at 2 months old

It was the last time we had a tree and decorated for Christmas.

                                   Brut's second Christmas at just over a year old. 

Notice how he's looking right at the camera, while I try to avoid it. lol 

Oh, how I loved my boy.

Merry Christmas Eve!

 

Five Years Ago Today~ Brut's Anniversary

I still feel empty
Yet I am full for knowing you
Sometimes you feel like a a figment of my imagination
Other times I feel you right by my side.

The sadness of your loss
still breaks me down in tears
Yet the joy you brought fills my soul.

The memories of you pierce deep in my heart
Yet there are days I can't remember more than your name
Time has played funny tricks with my mind
Always feeling like I am leaving you behind

Remembering the day you came into my life
and the day you left

There is no other soul in this world like yours
It has always been a honor and a privilege to have you part of my life
And the soul reason your memory lives on in your kids.

Every day or every hour
you are still with me.

Love you forever, Brut

my canine twin

Brut Thursday- My Brut for a Walk

I miss walking Brut.  I miss the connection we had while we were walking.  Brut always knew what time walk time was.  He would get excited and dance around barking.  The joy he had about walks would wash away any negative thoughts I had about taking that walk, especially in the winter.  We have harsh winters here in Northern Lower Michigan and we walked through them all.  In his eight years, I can only think of a handful of times that I actually missed a walk with him.  He was my motivator.  Brut kept me disciplined.  He kept me going.  I never thought twice about taking him for a walk.  We just did it.

Over the last four years that Brut has been gone, I have lost a lot of that motivation.  It seems to be getting worse with each passing year.  Most days I have a mental battle over walking the dogs, especially in the winter.  What was once so easy with Brut, has become a difficult choice every day.  The loss of Brut isn't the only factor at play.  We are all getting older with aging bodies and arthritis that hinder our walk times, but it is the days when we can all take walks that the war inside rages on.

Brut was my heart and my heart isn't in it as much anymore.  I feel like I'm burnt out when it comes to walking the dogs.  When we do go for a walk, despite not having that Brut connection with our four, I still have a connection with each one on our walks.  It's just so different than it was when Brut was here.  I am having a hard time transferring that Brut love, that pure love of walking with the dogs, with the kids.

Our winter isn't helping either, but really that is just an excuse.  It is just me, still hurting four years later for my Bruter Boy, who always made my day and our walks just a little brighter.

Brut Thursday, November 22

November 22, 2006 is Brut's Gotcha Day. 

Thursday is the day Brut died.

And today is Thanksgiving.

A day filled with sadness, joy, grief and many memories of thanks.

Miss you Bruter Boy....

As stunning as

It has been a long time since I've seen a dog as stunning as Brut, until we saw a Malamute/maybe Husky male that was strutting his stuff the other day and man, was he a beauty.

He was rather tall, with silvery-white coat, highlighted with black markings around his face, back and tail.  Absolutely stunning.

He didn't walk, but strutted with every step.  He had a confidence and a pride about him that was so much like Brut.  He had it all.

That's the kind of dog I want.  That's the dog I miss.

I didn't think I could get another Husky/Malamute dog again. 

I felt Brut was my "ultimate."  

And I didn't want another Husky/Malamute like Brut.  I have struggled looking at any Northern breeds since losing Brut. 

I've actually been considering a different breed of dog to get when that times comes but honestly, everything about this dog I saw made me fall in love all over again with a Malamute/ Husky dog.  

Like Brut whispering in my ear.

And when the time is right, I will fall in love all over again with Brut in my heart.  

Brut Thursday-Sensory World

It is those sacred moments with Brut that I miss the most.  Those times out in the backyard when it was just me and him sitting together listening to the world around us.

Since he had the better sniffer and better senses in general, I would just turn my head wherever he was facing.  I studied his expressions and little nuances in his face to see if I could locate the smell.  If the scent was strong enough I may get a whiff of Brut's interpretation.  It was such a gift to be part of his eyes, ears and nose.  Always alive, alert and intrigued.  With Brut, I was able to see the world through his senses that let me know it was very much alive.

Being part of Brut's sensory world was so much different than getting in his head.  These times together were about looking out instead of looking in.  At certain points I would speak, or ask a question, but most of the time we just observed and listened to the creatures in the night.

I can remember many winter nights, when the air was crisp, frigid and thin, it seemed like we could hear for miles.  Brut's liver colored nose, wiggling this way and that, while the rest of his body shimmied with excitement.  Those nights, were like magic.  We had a direct line to anything that made a sound, becoming one with the night and those around.

I've tried to create this quiet scene with our four pups, but my heart isn't in it.  They all may be a part of Brut, but they are not Brut.  Whatever we had together during those nights was unlike anything I'd ever experience with a dog before.  It is where I learned to live in the moment.   It was our time.  Something special between Brut and I, that can only be recaptured in my heart.

Forever Brut.

Brut Thursday-Growing Together: A special plant.

When we dug Brut's grave, we dug it about 5 feet deep.  At the very bottom was pure, untouched lake/river sand.  As probably many years ago there was water running through where our house now stands.  Hubby, Mark, grabbed a scoopful of this sand from Brut's grave and we have saved it.  Not really sure for what, just to have a part of the Earth where Brut lays.

Fast forward to November 2016 and the day we found out that Silver had a mammary gland tumor.  I took cuttings off of my Kalanchoe plant and placed them in water.  I wanted the hope and growth that plants bring, hoping Silver would get better.  When she passed away in January of this year, I almost forgot about the cuttings and their meaning.  I had a jar full of roots and stalks that needed planting.  I think it was the end of February when I finally got around to doing so.

There is nothing specific about the Kalanchoe plant that I felt was attached to Silver when I took the cuttings.  I needed to trim back the original plant in hopes of getting it to flower and I hate just throwing cuttings away, so I planned to grow the cuttings for Silver.

Kalanchoe plants are a succulent plant, meaning they needed a sandy, loose soil, much like cacti.  This is where Brut's sand came into play.  I took the cuttings for Silver and the sand from Brut and mixed it in the soil creating fertile ground those little plants to thrive.  And thrive it has as you can tell from the picture above.

A very special plant that combines tragedy and loss and brings them together for life and growth.

A wonderful gift that keeps giving, my Silver and Brut.



  

Brut Thursday-The Fight Within

Brut Thursday, a day late, but not forgotten.

I was thinking about Brut today.  My husband, Mark and I were a little huffy with one another and I my boy came to mind.

Nobody really understood Brut's anger issues.  I don't even think Mark could fully comprehend them, but I got it.  It made total sense to me once I discovered his puppy hood before us.  I knew what it was like to be betrayed and to fight for yourself by yourself.  From a depth that is scarring and sacred, you hold on to survive with that last breath.  Because it is all you have.  It becomes all you know as the fear swells in you, fighting to destroy everything you have, your heart and soul.  You become the fight you feared to save them.  Only to find you are killing yourself in the process. So you thrash harder not understanding why it hurts so.  But it is the only way you know.

I don't know how Brut and I ever picked apart all those needles in our gut, but we did it together.  I don't know that either of us "healed" right but learned in each other that we were not alone in our fight.  In fact Brut taught me how to fight and stand up for myself turning that turmoil inside out.

Brut had a way of calming me because I was understood.  Something I hadn't found in my journey until him.  I witnessed first hand the "home" life he had before me.  Vicious.  Daunting.  Many angry dogs all living on survival mode.  Scary.  It was no wonder Brut scared the crap out of me from a young puppy.  The boy was crazy with fear.  And hurting so deep.  Was it any wonder we bonded so deeply?

To say I was blessed with Brut is an understatement.  I don't know that there is a word for it that would do our relationship justice.  I miss my boy every day.  If I didn't know his spirit is right there for me, I don't know what I would do.  Connecting with Brut is my strength.  Knowing and healing with him brings me right back here.  To this blog to share my story of the greatest dog I have ever known.

 

Brut Thursday- Spiritual Headbutts

I was upset and my heart hurt. Hubby and I had a bit of a tiff.  I went to Brut's grave and sat down outside the fence that protects the dogs from the rose thorns.  Never one to talk to Brut at his grave, I mean, what do you say to a rose bush that is suppose to represent the greatest dog of your life?  It just doesn't compute for me.  So I just sat there and tried to think of words.

And I tried.

Brut and I hardly ever communicated with words.  We always knew what the other was thinking, for the most part.

I leaned my head on the fence.  Then I slowly started to rub my forehead on the fence and that's when I made the connection with Brut.  I could "feel" his forehead against mine and he comforted me from beyond the roses.

He was right there.

Like two large cats nuzzling each other, we stayed that way for some time.

It was the best feeling in the world, to be together and having a physical connection.  I'm still in awe over it.  Because that's what I miss most about Brut, is being able to feel with him and I had that again, in just the right manner, at just the right time.

I don't know where this adventure is taking me with Brut, but it is as interesting and as fascinating as he is.  I do believe Brut is trying to teach me and reach out to me in a way only he can.

Have you ever touch the other side?

Brut Thursday-When the Spirit Moves...

No one truly knows how the spiritual world operates and the realms that it can take.  When we found out a dear dog friend Tiko was very ill all we could do was pray.

That night I broke into gut wrenching sobs, thinking about Brut and how I thought the second year of him being gone is going to be harder than the first.  I said so to my husband, Mark.  So far I hadn't been wrong.  For the last couple  of weeks I'd been wrestling with my past and the loss of Brut was becoming more permanent as the days wore on.

The next morning I got up and tears spilling in abundance.  I couldn't stop crying.  My heart was breaking every which way.  They were fresh tears, tears of a new sadness with a deep grieving in my heart.  I felt Brut gripping onto my soul and I couldn't understand the intensity of this grave sorrow.  Even though it had been coming to a crescendo , it felt like it was hitting all at once.

Mark came home around noon, his face reading that everything was wrong.  I thought he was crying about Brut, when he told me about Tiko.  Tiko had died the night before.  And when he told me that, I thought, that's why I was crying so hard.  And just like that the tears stopped.

I felt Brut holding my heart with Tiko by his side.  Tiko was finally at peace and that was worth all the tears that fell.  Little did I know as I cried for Brut, I was also crying for Tiko.  It was a beautiful touch for two kindred souls that I love and miss.

May they both rest in peace and forever in my heart.  Amen.

Brut Thursday- A year ago this month

It was a year ago this month that we began what would be our last Earthly journey with Brut.  His bloody eye was only the sign of the tumor on his spleen that was bleeding into his abdomen.

This picture was taken 18 days before he died.  And my heart has never stopped feeling the loss, if it ever will.

Brut was the best of dogs and the worst of dogs, but he was always real.  Everything he taught me changed the way I think of dogs and my relationship to them.  He went against the grain and I loved that about him.

Brut was so proud of who he was, he never coward behind anyone or made excuses for being himself.  He was strong and true to his word and he taught me the beauty of his language.

He was too smart for his own fur and never turned down a challenge.  Whether it was one of his kids or me.  Brut was conniving and witty which he used to his charm and humor.  That boy understood his intelligence and was the only one who could make me laugh some days.

Brut was a bastard.  He kept a tight paw about what he wanted and didn't want and anyone crossing that line paid for it.  He also knew remorse when he'd pushed that button too far.

We understood each other.  Something I miss terribly of him.  He was the dog that really got me and I him.  Somewhere in canine heaven Brut is smiling down at this knowing exactly what I mean.  I'm a better dog mom because of Brut and I am proud to have had the honor of knowing this spiritual dog.

Somewhere up there is a star with Brut's name on it, shining for all to see.

Love ya Bruter boy!

Brut Thursday- The Brut Facial

We had a spring snow storm today in our area in which we got about 5 inches of heavy, wet snow.  The snow was a wonderful reminder of a happy memory of Brut that I would have forgotten about if it wasn't for the snowfall.  And so I'll share...

Brut was not a licker.  As a puppy he was, but once he grew up it phased out of him.  He probably thought that giving kisses was too macho for a dog like him.

Our house can get pretty warm, running a wood furnace, depending on the temperatures and the dogs and I would need to cool off, so we would go outside to play and lay in the snow.

Whenever I would lay in the snow, Brut would come bursting from wherever he was at, stand over me and begin licking my face.  I mean an all out face washing.  Over and over again.

And Brut meant business.  He's give my face the full scrub down, his face and eyes intent.  He took this job seriously.

There were very few times that I was in a submissive position with Brut, this was one of them.  Yet, I was treated as a Queen by him and given the Royal treatment.  What more could a girl ask for?

I don't know why laying in the snow tipped him into becoming a dog washer or why he felt the need to scour my face with his tongue, but it was the only time he did it.  It was such a cool feeling to have all that power loving me so intently.  Nothing like a Brut facial.

I missed that this past winter, but I'm glad I have the memories to keep alive whenever I need them.

Brut was such an awesome dog.  I really miss that boy.

Brut Thursday-Three's a Crowd...or is it?

There was a time when Brut and Zappa would play together, this is one of those times.  It would be considered very rare now if ever.  I'm so glad I caught this on video.  This video is from Nov. 11, 2010.

Enjoy!

Watch here or on YouTube.

Brut Thursday-No one

Brut Thursday- The Snow King

The night was still and quiet.  Not a sound could be heard but our own.  The bitter cold air seem to freeze our breath in front of us and the snow beneath us was crystallized.

The snow piles Brut and I sat on were the result of raking the deep snow off the garage roof.  I had to knock them down for fear of one of the dogs getting on the garage roof, they were that high.

It seemed as if the world had just stopped moving that frigid night.  Brut sat erect and elongated listening for the faintest sound.  Ears slowly moving with bat radar this way and that.  The rest of the dogs had gone in, but not Brut, my winter die hard, he climbed the top the snow pile and smiled.  He was in his element.  We both were and I climbed to the top to sit next to him.

I carefully followed the ears and head of this magnificent snow beast.   Keeping a  close eye of that little twitch of alertness when he connected with a resonance.  I shifted my eyes to his line of sight and turned my head with his.  And we sat that way for some time.  Syncing in alignment we were mindful of each other and the world around us.  So simple and true we sat close together, his bristled fur just whispering across my jacket.  This was us, the two snow dogs of the household that left me with a memory as clear as the stars that chilly night and a friend that lays in my heart, forever.

   

Brut Thursday- I Was Never Disillusioned

The first time Brut ever came face to face with another dog was with our part-time neighbor's dog.  Brut was just six months old, full speed into puberty when the chocolate lab ran up to the road to greet us.  Brut became fully charged.  Barking, lunging, pulling like the devil to get at this dog.  I wasn't too shocked, but I didn't know what to do but stand and hold Brut away from this dog who all but just stood there.  Finally, someone called the dog's name and he took off.  I was shaken, but OK.  Brut on the other hand was on ready to take on the world and anybody else that got in our way.  I don't know if he ever did settle down as we continued on our walk, but I was glad when it was over.  At the time I didn't think anything of it really, Brut had already shown me with Silver that he had a problem with dogs, I just knew I'd have to be very cautious on our walks from now on.

Brut never gave me the option to be disillusioned that he might be friendly with another dog outside of his pack.  Heck, he had enough issues within his pack, he wasn't going to take kindly to any dogs outside of it.  There was no guess work when it came to Brut.  He wasn't kind of friendly then not, or friendly with some and not with others, he disliked them all and he made no bones about it.  Brut wasn't afraid to show how he felt and his intentions and reacted as such.  As much as I didn't like this 'quality' Brut made it quite clear and for that I am grateful.

Why am I grateful that my dog aggressive dog made his actions loud and clear?
 I think the most important thing I learned was that Brut didn't lie.  Brut went over the top with every emotion he was feeling from day one, in a language I could understand.  He never faked it. Whatever he did he was real with it and was big with it.  He really felt and expressed himself in such a huge way that it couldn't be missed.  And I really miss that about him.  I really do, including his ornery ways that made him really stand out from any dog I have ever known.  

Brut Thursday-Zappa style

Thursday is the day that Brut died so I've decided to honor him by picking Thursday  to be "Brut Day."  Where I'll share a memory, thought, video, picture or something that is Brut related. Hope you enjoy these simple dedications to my Bruter boy.

*****************

Do you ever wonder what your dog looks like and might be doing in heaven?

Sometimes I picture Brut like a cartoon character who can stand up and talk.  While other times I see him as a more wild and primitive creature. I'm not really sure what he may look like but it is more of a feeling since he was so in tune with the Earth and wind around him.  

Last night I was writing about Blaze and this awesome walk we took where she lead me and I followed her just like Brut used to do.  Thru the woods hot on the trail of several deer scents.  It was such a freeing experience.

So as I'm scribbling these words down to share our adventure, I start to hear Frank Zappa music in my head with Brut there in cartoon form. Which isn't strange because they could be together in heaven. ( though I'm sure many wouldn't think that Frank Zappa wouldn't have made it that far, lol)  As I'm realizing the coincidence of Frank's music bumping around in my head and our dog that is name after him, I feel Brut smiling down on me.  It was like our worlds all came togetherfor that moment.  It was very cool.  

Active imagination or spiritual connection?

Who cares ---it was awesome!

  

Ever experience something like that?