It's a Different Kind of Grief

 

I cried the night before we got Chevy.  Boxer laid on my chest as the tears fell.  Everything was going to change with a new dog coming home.  A chapter of my life was over and a new one was to begin.  There was a feeling of betrayal and of letting go.  There was a sense of loss and fear, but what I didn't anticipate was there was closure.  Closure to the grief and pain I'd been experiencing with the loss of the 24 Paws and extensively the last three years after Chance, Blaze, Fiona and Zappa died.  That surprised me.  And relieved me.  In ways I didn't expect that was healing.  After going a year and a half without a dog, there was no doubt that the 24 Paws brought Chevy into our lives and this relief is proof.  I will always be sad and I'll never stop missing the 24 Paws, but the deep pain of loss has been dissipated with Chevy. 

You may remember the evenings are the toughest part of the day for me after losing the 24 Paws.  It still is, yet it isn't as intense.  Now it is surreal with Chevy here.  Especially at bedtime.  I have my pillows of the 24 Paws that I hug and say good night to and Chevy is there as well.  I'm not really sure how to describe it.  There is loss and life in the same room.  The only word that fits is surreal.  Like having a open door to the past and the future at the same time.  It is a very strange feeling.  I don't know if it will go away or not, but it is there for now.  

It also feels natural, having a dog around.  It was so easy to slip into a routine, the feeding, walking, and caring for like I've been doing all my life.  It is like the rhythm of the heartbeat.  The ebb and flow.  The ups and downs.  And unlimited unconditional love.  All in harmony with the 24 Paws of Love.  Their spirits alive and well.  They taught me so much and I feel their pawprints on my heart when I'm with Chevy.  It is such a beautiful feeling of wholeness and completeness.  

And then there is reality.  I'm still in shock that there is a dog in the house after so long without one.  It still blows my mind that Chevy is here.  At the same time it is like that time period of being dog-less didn't even happen.  I can hardly remember it.  ☺

          

     

The Escapades of Chance's Roses

Chance's rose:  the Dark Night

And then there is our sad story of Chance's roses...you might remember that we order Chance's rose, the first year he was gone but it was past the cut off date for spring delivery and we wouldn't get it until fall.  So, Chance went with no rose that first year.  I did receive the plant and planted it in late September, crossing finger and toes that it would survive the winter.  It did get a couple of tiny leaves on it late spring, but alas Mother Nature was harsher than it could handle and it died.  The plant was under warranty, and they would send a replacement, but of course when I called this all happened after the season's delivery schedule and again I won't get it until fall.  SIGH!  We went through the entire scenario with the second rose, planting in the fall and dying in the spring.  

During that second year, I did buy a couple of other roses, so Chance could have something on his grave, but I didn't really care for them.  I kept thinking about the Dark Night rose we were having such a hard time getting.  There was just something special about this rose and we wanted it.  

I've never bought roses online, but you learn a few things after trial and error.  Like, they can be sold out before January for the coming year.  Or that there is no summer delivery, only spring and fall.  So last year I started in December to find this Dark Night rose for our boy, whom had been rose-less for far too long.  I found Heirloom Roses, who not only had the famous rose, but you could pick your day of delivery! So, I ordered this awesome rose and had it sent in mid-May, just in time for the beginning of our growing season.  

 It has been a long three years without a rose for Chance, much too long.  So glad I finally found it.  Feeling so blessed.  ♥