I'm really scared about getting my heart broken again. Losing three dogs almost at the same time was horrifying and devastating and I don't know that I can go through that again with another dog(s).
Sometimes I feel like Zappa will be the last one...ever. And there are other times I want another dog, but I can't see any past Zappa. I think it's because we had a pack, with a mom, a dad and kids and it is so hard to explain the feelings of losing a family of dogs. From picking out Silver, then Brut, the conception, the pregnancy, the births to watching the litter grow at an alarming rate. To saying good-bye and then saying hello again with Chance and Blaze. I have no idea why, but having Chance and Blaze come back made our pack complete. Yeah, these were special dogs. We chose and planned this litter for a long time and now Zappa is the only one left. He deserves all the attention he can get. He deserves everything he can get.
I haven't ended up in the funny farm yet over the last three deaths, but when Zappa's time comes...I don't know that I can guarantee that.
If it wasn't for the cats, I would have lost my sanity. Right now they are the only ones that are keeping me together. I know I don't talk much about them, after all it is a dog blog, but if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have much to hold on to. They too are older seniors and time is flying by. I'll tell you more about them in another post. I am so grateful for them. They are my beacons.
My heart was shattered is several different ways and pieces losing three dogs so close together. I don't know how to come back from that kind of fracture. Every day I think about Chance, Blaze and Fiona. And every day a sliver of my heart starts the healing process. But I still don't know if I could do it again. I'm really not sure...right now it hurts too much.