These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for little while. I have found them hard to sit down and put "on paper." Let me see if I can muddle through them.
Starting the second year without Brut has been a little difficult at times. The first year was all about the loss and grieving. The second has been accepting and living without him. I think I will always be sensitive to the summer months because that is when we loss Brut.
Brut died on the 18th of June, so close to the changing of the seasons. Now we are starting fall.
The gap is closing where Brut once was. We are becoming a family of five dogs. The dogs have found their places in their packs and life is moving forward.
For the most part I am at peace, but there are many days when my heart is very still. Even though Brut's spirit is strong around here, I still get a flutter in my stomach when I realize Brut is really, really gone. The gap is closing slower for hubby, Mark and I. Sometimes it sucks to be human.
Every post I write without Brut here, is like a tiny stab to the heart.
Some days Brut and I are far apart and other days he is right next to me and then sometimes it is like there is a barrier like heavy glass between us.
I started writing this post on September 1 of this year. All I could write was a
sentence or two at a time and I'd have to put it away. It was that difficult.
I have discovered how bittersweet life without Brut can be because it is easier without him physically here. So much of my mind and time was spent taking care of him and managing his aggression. It has been trying filling all this empty space in my mind and with my time. There have been many days that I have been quite lost and depressed. I miss Brut, but I don't miss his nasty behavior. And that is really hard for me to say.
It isn't all as bad as it sounds, Silver and the kids have been filling in the spaces and holes. Dogs are so amazing that they can do that. They just have that much unconditional love to make the world go round and the universe sparkle. I've never been more grateful for all of our pets and what they give and share so openly and beautifully. They are constantly teaching me more about themselves and their understanding. The love is just unstoppable! And I couldn't have it any other way.
Are you ready for the season change?