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Current blog look inspired by and dedicated to Chance, Blaze and Fiona who all kicked ass against cancer and liver disease.

Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Monday, September 13, 2021

Zappa and I danced!!

 Zappa and I had a blast  today together.  It was great to enjoy each other's company and not be crying and emotional.  Zappa actually came out of his lean to and we hung out together.  It had clouded up and the air was cooler.  A nice break from the sun, which aided his decision to lay down in the dirt next to me.  Now Zappa is always in his lean to during this time of the day, so this was his way of making the first move.  It was my turn now.

So I invited him out to the garage with a little of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon," playing and we began to dance.  Something we have only done in the house. with the other dogs around. It has been far too long that Zappa and I have danced together and we had a blast!  We danced, talked and sang with each other.  It was nice to just forget about everything for a while bonding with Zappa.

My next move was taking a walk.  I didn't know how long Zappa could go, but I'm getting pretty good at reading his body language, when enough is enough.  He surprised me, slow, but full of energy.  We took the paths in the little woods across from our house and took a longish walk for him.  He did fantastic!  And there is nothing better than walking in the woods with your best friend.  The peace, the greenery and being connected.  It was so wonderful.  

Then to top it off we came home and chilled for a half hour, then I fixed Zappa his dinner.  He didn't want it.  So I went with plan B, some Gravy Train canned food.  He ate the whole can!  It was the most I'd seen him eat of any food since the dogs died.  It was so exciting!  We have been through so many different dry, canned, fresh, dog foods that it has been unreal.  We have given him people food and he still won't eat anything but a small amount.  So this was a big win.  He's never had Gravy Train canned food, but we were getting desperate for Zappa to eat, that we have been trying everything.  So, that ended the day on a very positive note.  

One of the best days I've had since the dogs died.  And I think Zappa would say the same thing too.  

Sunday, September 12, 2021

The tears just sprang out of nowhere

 It started with Blaze's song and ended with paw prints and two lift harnesses.  

I haven't cried over just Blaze in a very long time.  It has taken this long to be able to process her death, without thinking of Chance and Fiona.  I never really got the chance because the focus immediately went on Chance as he struggled through Blaze's death.  And then we put Chance down and buried him and Fiona started her tailspin to her death the next three days.  And it has been an almost constant of Chance and Fiona, Chance and Fiona.  Never getting the chance to grieve my Sweet pea.  This was like a crack in the dam.  To be able to touch it and feel it.  

It started when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  What diagnosis did I have for today.  When I remembered what a friend said about going through a traumatic event.  Three deaths so close together.  Of dogs, no less.  And that's when Blaze's song went through my head and I broke down, only thinking of my little Blaze.  I missed her so much.  Not being able to grieve for her, the only thing I can remember about her is her barking at mealtimes.   Like it's the only thing stuck in my mind.  Hope that breaks along with this open healing.  I know there was more, but right now I can't find it.  

Fast forward to evening time, I sat in the garage while Mark did odds and ends.  Chance and Blaze's pawprints were on the floor in a box in garage.  Where they had been all summer.  I finally picked them up and put them in the bedroom, in the bookcase with the others.  Their last steps.  I labeled and put them away along with Fiona's and Blaze's collars.  

The last thing in the box was the red lift harness.  Still with their fur and smell.  The tears were filling up, I hung them quickly and walked away.  I wasn't ready to go there, yet.

The dam broke later that night as I was flooded with grief and sadness for my little Blaze.  And with it came all the memories of her and our life together.  It hurt but it was a good hurt to remember, feel and be in touch with my one and only Blaze. 



 

Friday, September 3, 2021

Zappa peace

 Zappa is such a tender subject.  Being the only dog, all our focus is on him.  Something he doesn't like.  I don't know that he will ever get used to it.  

Zappa was asleep on our bed last night, a deep, comfy sleep.  He was so relaxed he just melted into the bed.  His wrinkles showing through his face and muzzle that he almost looked like a basset hound.  He was that content.  

I knelt on Fiona's blanket to say "good night" to her and began quietly sobbing.

Seeing Zappa's face, struck me how much pain and stress Zappa has been under without his siblings, especially Fiona, and the contrast his face was showing
at this moment.  

Part of the tears were relief.  Zappa was making it through this most difficult time in his life.  For a while we did not know for certain if he would leave us too.  There were some scary moments when we weren't sure.  

And yet despite our fears, Zappa was here, sleeping in such complete peace.

I don't know how he got to that point, but I hope I can emulate it someday.