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Current blog look inspired by and dedicated to Chance, Blaze, Fiona and Zappa who all kicked ass against cancer and liver disease.

Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Pack Mentality Mom

Even though they were separated, they were so together and in tune with each other and me.

I was sitting thinking about Chance, Blaze and Fiona and the grave loss Mark and I have had.  We had spoken earlier about how all this loss felt.  I said, "it still feels like the Twilight Zone." and he said, "it feels like a nightmare."

And as I thought those feelings, somewhere in the midst of it, I thought, I'm a pack dog mom.  I can't operate with just a dog or two.  I need the complexity and togetherness of a pack.  I think like a pack dog, I act like a pack dog, I am a pack dog.  I think that is why I struggle with Zappa, I've known him through the pack.  It is almost like I am hardwired that way.  Like a Husky.  

See, through the day I'll be going along just fine and then all the sudden I will feel out of sorts.  Then I start thinking what is wrong with me?  What's going on?  That's when it starts feeling like a Twilight Zone episode.  I will either freak out or slump into a depression.  I've had dogs in the past, single dogs that I didn't experience that pack mentality with, but when we had the puppies and then the six dogs, I got it.  Even though I didn't realize how much I had it until the loss of the three, then I felt it.  Losing that pack mentality, I feel lost.  Like I can't think for myself.  A huge emptiness.

And if I'm feeling that, I can't begin to imagine what Zappa must be feeling and going through all by himself.  Somehow this clicked for me, I wonder if it has clicked for him.  I know he likes to be with both Mark and I when he can.  And the cats are venturing out more, so they will also be part of his "pack."  

Even so, I'm beginning to see where Zappa has been coming from with his actions and behaviors.  He's lost too.  We are navigating new roads and plowing new paths and we are doing it together.  Neither of know how to operate without a pack, so we will make a new and figure it out together.  

Monday, August 23, 2021

Apologizing to my Chance

 Walked into the kitchen with the cats on my heels.  I let them come in and the tears immediately fell.  I apologized to Chance for letting them in.  I sobbed.   

The cats haven't been in the kitchen since Chance and Blaze died.  My barriers are starting to break down.  

It was hard enough letting them in the dog's room.  Some days I couldn't do it.  

It hurt so much.  

So the cats would have to stay in their room for the day.

I'll never be 100% comfortable with the cats in the dog's room, but I'm living with it, one day at a time.

It has just been in the last two days that I let the cats in the kitchen for any length of time.  I don't know why I did.  I just didn't have the emotional energy to shut the door.  

Chance did not like Boxer in his space and the kitchen belonged to Chance and Blaze.  He tolerated Boxer for me and it hurt to let Boxer in.  

As I sat outside writing this post, four Tufted Titmice came and sat on the tree behind me.  One by one they hopped on the fence only a couple of feet from my face.  They leaned in looking at me.  I talked to them.  Then after a few minutes they fluttered away. 

It wasn't until the last bird that I remembered that the Tufted Titmouse is Chance's spiritual bird.  He forgave me.

Tufted Titmouse

(photo courtesy of Wikipedia)


This is a song I've been listening to, when I am sad.  Mostly when I think of Chance, but really it fits for all the dogs.  

It's sad.  It's beautiful. and it is short.

By Royal Blood-All We Have Is Now

Take a listen...

Thursday, August 12, 2021

Zappa scare and update

 Here's an update on Zappa:

He can feel coming in the air tonight...

He has been struggling to eat and sometimes wouldn't eat at all.  

We got x-rays done and everything was really good.  All his organs were in good shape.

We also got blood work, a full panel, to see if anything was wrong.  

And we just got the results today...all he has is a bladder infection!

All his levels are within range and normal.  Woo-Hoo!

We were so worried that something was seriously wrong.  

Thank goodness for modern medicine test.  

Now all he needs is some antibiotics and he's good to go!!