I was sitting thinking about Chance, Blaze and Fiona and the grave loss Mark and I have had. We had spoken earlier about how all this loss felt. I said, "it still feels like the Twilight Zone." and he said, "it feels like a nightmare."
And as I thought those feelings, somewhere in the midst of it, I thought, I'm a pack dog mom. I can't operate with just a dog or two. I need the complexity and togetherness of a pack. I think like a pack dog, I act like a pack dog, I am a pack dog. I think that is why I struggle with Zappa, I've known him through the pack. It is almost like I am hardwired that way. Like a Husky.
See, through the day I'll be going along just fine and then all the sudden I will feel out of sorts. Then I start thinking what is wrong with me? What's going on? That's when it starts feeling like a Twilight Zone episode. I will either freak out or slump into a depression. I've had dogs in the past, single dogs that I didn't experience that pack mentality with, but when we had the puppies and then the six dogs, I got it. Even though I didn't realize how much I had it until the loss of the three, then I felt it. Losing that pack mentality, I feel lost. Like I can't think for myself. A huge emptiness.
And if I'm feeling that, I can't begin to imagine what Zappa must be feeling and going through all by himself. Somehow this clicked for me, I wonder if it has clicked for him. I know he likes to be with both Mark and I when he can. And the cats are venturing out more, so they will also be part of his "pack."
Even so, I'm beginning to see where Zappa has been coming from with his actions and behaviors. He's lost too. We are navigating new roads and plowing new paths and we are doing it together. Neither of know how to operate without a pack, so we will make a new and figure it out together.