Chance Wednesday

I was completely stressed out.  Mark had to shower for an appt. and left me on Skype with the cell phone company with a phone I know nothing about and a foreign voice that was breaking up.  If that wasn't bad enough Zappa started a barking raucous that could have woke the dead.  And calling from the computer, I was attached and couldn't move.  All this before I'd had a chance to get dressed.  Then the wood furnace blower shut off, that cat starting crying and my anxiety was through the roof.  

After the whole ordeal ended and I was finally able to sit down and try to relax, I said a small prayer of help, and held my head in my hands.  

Next thing I know Stone Temple Pilot's song, "Plush," came on and I started to giggle.  Then I was laughing.  It was Chance's day and he had ordered this one song, my favorite.  I could feel his head in my lap as the laughter turned to tears.  Oh how I miss my spiritual healer.  He understood me so well.  Which is why he was here today.  God knew exactly what and who I needed to help me through this stress spot.  

My day was so much better after connecting with Chance.  We still need each other.  It is not over....they are still here. ♥

Freedom through Chance's spirit.

After x amount of time going where he thinks I want him to or at least taking a route that accompanies his speed, without even looking up, this fierce stallion of a dog gently takes the lead.  He guides me down the snow trodden path and into the trees.  His gait slows with his large pads plodding softly on the snow.   I feel my breath escape me and my shoulders fall. The tension evaporates from my body, leaving me with a light and airy feeling.

It is just me and him in this snowflake covered mini forest.

Surrounded by bark and snow, the world falls away.

I can feel each paw print he makes stamped onto my heart.

He checks on me by looking back to the left, keeping the communication strong between us.

"Come with me," his eyes beckoned.

We have not walk alone and free in a long time.  Walk times are crammed with schedules and constraints of the setting sun.

I've lost the essence of what a walk with my heart dog can really be.

As I follow him I feel like I'm riding an old horse walking familiar trails.

Chance
is the horse.

I have felt this horse analogy with Chance throughout our many years together, as if his true spirit is more equine than canine.

Running free.

The same freedom he wants me to find.

And I did.

Through...him

WoveN

I always have a difficult time when I'm trying to express my love on paper for our four dogs, Chance, Blaze, Zappa and Fiona.  It is hard for me to put my feelings into words, which I normally don't have any trouble with doing.  I also find it hard to talk about the four "pups" without referencing Brut and Silver in some way.  The qualities of their mom and dad really shine through.  I don't know that I could talk about the "pups" behaviors and temperaments without bringing up Brut and Silver, being that these four are their kids.  They display so many qualities of their mom and dad and having lived with all of them, they have for the most part, become meshed together.  The way they think, feel and respond to us and each other, we have some how become a unit, even with the division of the two packs.  And without Brut here as the top dog, taking all the attention and energy, the four are on even ground.  A parallel playing field if you will.  These four are ALL alpha dogs in their packs.  Hubby, Mark and I are the top dogs now, without Brut, making it centered, with all of the rough edges smoothed out.  There is actually gravity with a solid anchor holding us with an even stronger connection and foundation.  Like Brut's true spirit in leadership has infused us together.  I would have never thought that Brut being gone, would make us so much stronger as two packs and a family as a whole.  Brut was a very powerful dog.  Physically, mentally and emotionally.  He just reverberated with strength.  Imagine the most important being in your family that everyone is drawn to and for good reason.  Now imagine them gone.  The void is enormous.  Your stomach falls to your knees feeling.  You can't grasp your breath.  Your whole life was center on that one being.  This whole blog started out because of Brut.  I have been lost for three years trying not to talk about him.  But I can't.  Brut is in every fiber and being of his kids.  They are excerpts of every personality that Brut had...and I can't just forget about him.  Brut and Silver's death balanced the scales of two extreme dogs.  And while it was both Brut and Silver's death that brought such harmony, it is the Brut in them that is the loudest.  As it should be.  I am living in phenomenon that is unfolding right before my eyes.  Every day.  I can't get over the equality that is between the four dogs currently after Brut stole the spotlight  when he was alive.  He ruled everything.

Brut's spirit has woven our family together, pulling it tight like a drawstring.  

It is comforting and mind blowing at the same time.  

That is just how Brut was.

And still is. ♥

Losing Silver

I'm not sure how I'm feeling, but I will try to explain the best I can.

It has been 4 days since Silver has been gone.  It feels like it has been an eternity.

I feel her spirit here and yet I can feel her in the grave.

Losing Brut was like a hole blown through my gut.  Losing Silver has been like a cold wind blowing through my body.

I am feeling and yet I am numb to the loss.

So many things I wish to understand, yet it all makes sense.

She was not well those last few days.  The cancer had taken over.  Yet she remained fairly alert and alive.  It was still a tough decision.

On Silver's last trip outside, Zappa and Fiona came over to their mother and each nosed her.

Her last few hours she lead the Howling Chorus in a song.  Everyone joined in.  I was finally able to capture it on film.

And when it came her time, the dogs sang their goodbye to Silver.  It was beautiful.

It feels like a legacy is over. The foundation of which the 24 Paws of Love were built on are gone.  It is still hard to comprehend Momma Dog Silver and Daddy Dog Brut are gone.  Yet, somehow it still feels like a beginning.  The beginning of something beautiful that will carry their legacy on because we will always be the 24 Paws of Love.

Sometimes you've just gotta let the dog lead

The roads were snow packed and were suppose to turn icy sometime during the evening.  I was in a dilemma about who to walk and how many at a time.  My sciatica had been acting up all day and the pain was always less in the evening.  Back and forth with my decision, when I finally decided to walk Chance and Blaze, but separately.  I could use the reprieve on my back, but it meant two walks.

I hadn't completely given up on walking the Back Dog Trio, when Blaze and I started out, but I wasn't sold on the idea either.

The evening was misty, foggy and glowed in white between the overcast sky and the snow on the ground.  The soft white brightened the walk and gave a warm and cozy feeling.

Blaze set a quick pace, just enough for me to keep up with her without totally losing my breath.  There was a difference in her tonight, she was relaxed and comfortable and for once we didn't feel at odds with each other.  She didn't pull or tug or dart but kept her path forward.  With each step I was letting go of the day's worries and letting Blaze lead the way.

She walked with confidence without being dominant or demanding as we went this way than that.  When we met our turnaround spot, Blaze gently led me forward.  She wanted this time with me and our special walk together.  So we carried on along the path, just her and I in a quiet, peaceful manner.  Enjoying every step that didn't lead to pain radiating down my arm that held the leash to my lower back.  This was wonderful!

Somewhere half way through I realized the Back Dogs were going to have to wait until tomorrow for their walks.  This was too precious to give up.  I wish I really had the words to describe it.  With Blaze, I have always been intimidated by her wit and smarts.  So I have always went into many walks with her trying to outwit and control her.  It has only lead to her painfully pulling me every which way, especially in the winter time when she has that Husky energy.  The battle of wits leaves me exhausted, frustrated and in severe pain.  Tonight I just went with her.  Followed her. And she proved her trust and maturity, as well as love.  This isn't the first time this has happened.  There have been a handful of other times we have walked with her in the lead, but this was the first time that she didn't try to take advantage of it and that was truly heartfelt.  Blaze spoke of her trust loud and clear.  If I let her, she will guide me.

The power of this evening's walk was tested a bit as we got closer to home and Blaze tugged me the opposite direction.  She wasn't ready for the walk to end and I obliged her.  We walked a little ways downtown, then turned around to come home and that seemed to prove I was listening and heard her.  Such simple blessings.

Maybe if I don't lead with so much fear when it comes to Blaze, we will have more walks like this.  I know we can walk further this way, which I would really love.  I was so amazed by the definition she gave me of herself, that I was truly blown away at how much she took care of me on the walk.  Peace, understanding and simple unconditional love.  All a girl could really want.  Especially when it goes both ways.

Aren't dogs beautiful?

Brut Thursday- Spiritual Headbutts

I was upset and my heart hurt. Hubby and I had a bit of a tiff.  I went to Brut's grave and sat down outside the fence that protects the dogs from the rose thorns.  Never one to talk to Brut at his grave, I mean, what do you say to a rose bush that is suppose to represent the greatest dog of your life?  It just doesn't compute for me.  So I just sat there and tried to think of words.

And I tried.

Brut and I hardly ever communicated with words.  We always knew what the other was thinking, for the most part.

I leaned my head on the fence.  Then I slowly started to rub my forehead on the fence and that's when I made the connection with Brut.  I could "feel" his forehead against mine and he comforted me from beyond the roses.

He was right there.

Like two large cats nuzzling each other, we stayed that way for some time.

It was the best feeling in the world, to be together and having a physical connection.  I'm still in awe over it.  Because that's what I miss most about Brut, is being able to feel with him and I had that again, in just the right manner, at just the right time.

I don't know where this adventure is taking me with Brut, but it is as interesting and as fascinating as he is.  I do believe Brut is trying to teach me and reach out to me in a way only he can.

Have you ever touch the other side?

Brut Thursday-When the Spirit Moves...

No one truly knows how the spiritual world operates and the realms that it can take.  When we found out a dear dog friend Tiko was very ill all we could do was pray.

That night I broke into gut wrenching sobs, thinking about Brut and how I thought the second year of him being gone is going to be harder than the first.  I said so to my husband, Mark.  So far I hadn't been wrong.  For the last couple  of weeks I'd been wrestling with my past and the loss of Brut was becoming more permanent as the days wore on.

The next morning I got up and tears spilling in abundance.  I couldn't stop crying.  My heart was breaking every which way.  They were fresh tears, tears of a new sadness with a deep grieving in my heart.  I felt Brut gripping onto my soul and I couldn't understand the intensity of this grave sorrow.  Even though it had been coming to a crescendo , it felt like it was hitting all at once.

Mark came home around noon, his face reading that everything was wrong.  I thought he was crying about Brut, when he told me about Tiko.  Tiko had died the night before.  And when he told me that, I thought, that's why I was crying so hard.  And just like that the tears stopped.

I felt Brut holding my heart with Tiko by his side.  Tiko was finally at peace and that was worth all the tears that fell.  Little did I know as I cried for Brut, I was also crying for Tiko.  It was a beautiful touch for two kindred souls that I love and miss.

May they both rest in peace and forever in my heart.  Amen.

Brut Thursday-New Growth and Spiritual Blessings

We were just going into beginning of spring when Brut got sick.  I was already a bit neglectful of my plants, taking care of Brut, but I didn't realize how far behind I'd gotten in my plant duties until after he died in June.  

And then that's when I saw it...a new growth on my biggest and most favorite plant, Dracena fragrans.  A new sprout coming right out of the top that was not part of the oringial growth.  See, my plants went through a bit of a drought and the top was dried out.  I was so afraid I was going to lose the plant, but a miracle happened, after my heart-and-soul dog died, a new sprout appeared and started to grow.

Grief is powerful.  It can break you down in ways you never thought possible because I'd done it again, neglecting my plants and the same thing happened.  It dried out and didn't have any new growth on it until last month when this new sprout began.  At the same time that I had this memory of Brut's death, when I felt like I cried forever.  Yet here in the quiet of God's spirit new life was beginning symbolizing my grief and spiritual growth.

This plant is so special to me I named it King (before I had Brut) and it is the only one of my houseplants that has a name.  'He' (yes, I call it a he) rules all the houseplants. And Brut my heart dog was also called the King and was ruler of the dogs and our hearts.  Amazing to me how the spiritual world works and the connections that are and can be made between love of two living beings.

  

Brut Thursday-Zappa style

Thursday is the day that Brut died so I've decided to honor him by picking Thursday  to be "Brut Day."  Where I'll share a memory, thought, video, picture or something that is Brut related. Hope you enjoy these simple dedications to my Bruter boy.

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Do you ever wonder what your dog looks like and might be doing in heaven?

Sometimes I picture Brut like a cartoon character who can stand up and talk.  While other times I see him as a more wild and primitive creature. I'm not really sure what he may look like but it is more of a feeling since he was so in tune with the Earth and wind around him.  

Last night I was writing about Blaze and this awesome walk we took where she lead me and I followed her just like Brut used to do.  Thru the woods hot on the trail of several deer scents.  It was such a freeing experience.

So as I'm scribbling these words down to share our adventure, I start to hear Frank Zappa music in my head with Brut there in cartoon form. Which isn't strange because they could be together in heaven. ( though I'm sure many wouldn't think that Frank Zappa wouldn't have made it that far, lol)  As I'm realizing the coincidence of Frank's music bumping around in my head and our dog that is name after him, I feel Brut smiling down on me.  It was like our worlds all came togetherfor that moment.  It was very cool.  

Active imagination or spiritual connection?

Who cares ---it was awesome!

  

Ever experience something like that?