Confessions of a grieving dog mom- part 3

 

Three days after Chevy came home with us I got scared.  While everything felt right and I knew we made the right decision getting him, I was afraid of the commitment I'd made to Chevy and if I could mentally and emotionally follow through after losing the 24 Paws..  Taking Chevy in was such a big step for both me and Chevy.  I didn't know what happen to him or why he was at the shelter, except it involved humans.  I was afraid of letting him down.  I'd fallen in love with him from day one, but was afraid of being able to love him for him.  He was the exact same color as Zappa, which I hadn't really noticed when we first saw him and on that third day it scared me.  Then I noticed his eyes.  Chevy is bi-eyed.  His left eye is a caramel color,  matching his fur and was the same color as Brut's left eye was.  It was Chevy's right eye that messed me up.  It is a dark, dark brown.  You can hardly see the pupil it is so dark.  It looked just like Brut's right eye when it filled with blood and was the first sign of what we would eventually discover to be a tumor on his liver.  Looking at Chevy eyes was a huge trigger of Brut and freaked me out.  So, on that fourth day, I laid down with him on his bed and cried.  For him, for me, and the uncertain life we were taking together. 

And as the tears flowed, after a while Chevy started to get up.  He seemed scared. He moved away from me. That's when it dawned on me that probably the last person who cried over him let him go.  I stopped crying and told him, we were in it with him forever.  And ever.  And ever.  And ever. 

Things went fast and slow with our healing.  He was such a fantastic dog who was happy most of the time.  He made it easy.  Every afternoon we would go outside and sit out in the shade and have some decompression time.  Sometimes I would pet him or talk quietly to him about what he'd been through, or I would tell him what a miracle he was to us.  Sometimes we would sit in absolute silence, with just the breeze blowing around us.  Those moments we had together were the glue that held us together.  We connected deeper and deeper each time.  I literally watched him settle into his skin a little more during these times.  That time period was precious.

Chevy's six month Gothcha Day will be this Saturday, December 21.  Right on the Winter Solstice.  I've come to embrace his Zappa coloring, which didn't take long.  I still struggle a little with Chevy's eyes.  I find myself looking at the lighter one more, but at least it isn't as painful to look into both of them.  And as for my fear of being able to love him, Chevy took care of that just being his gentle loving self.  We have been so blessed with Chevy and I can't say it enough.  He is the most amazing dog.  It was so easy to fall in love with him and love him forever.  ♥            

Broken heart

 I'm really scared about getting my heart broken again.  Losing three dogs almost at the same time was horrifying and devastating and I don't know that I can go through that again with another dog(s).  

Sometimes I feel like Zappa will be the last one...ever.  And there are other times I want another dog, but I can't see any past Zappa.  I think it's because we had a pack, with a mom, a dad and kids and it is so hard to explain the feelings of losing a family of dogs.  From picking out Silver, then Brut, the conception, the pregnancy, the births to watching the litter grow at an alarming rate.  To saying good-bye and then saying hello again with Chance and Blaze.  I have no idea why, but having Chance and Blaze come back made our pack complete.  Yeah, these were special dogs.  We chose and planned this litter for a long time and now Zappa is the only one left. He deserves all the attention he can get.  He deserves everything he can get.  

I haven't ended up in the funny farm yet over the last three deaths, but when Zappa's time comes...I don't know that I can guarantee that.  

If it wasn't for the cats, I would have lost my sanity.  Right now they are the only ones that are keeping me together.  I know I don't talk much about them, after all it is a dog blog, but if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have much to hold on to.  They too are older seniors and time is flying by.  I'll tell you more about them in another post.  I am so grateful for them.  They are my beacons.  

My heart was shattered is several different ways and pieces losing three dogs so close together.  I don't know how to come back from that kind of fracture.  Every day I think about Chance, Blaze and Fiona.  And every day a sliver of my heart starts the healing process.  But I still don't know if I could do it again.  I'm really not sure...right now it hurts too much.

Coming full circle with Luigi

Luigi

I stopped feeding the wild birds when our duck, Luigi, passed from eating too many sunflower seeds.  I blamed the birds for killing Luigi.  It wasn't their fault, but I couldn't help it.  Three years later, (last summer) I made a couple of bird feeders and began feeding the wild birds again.  It was such a joy.  My love for birds never stopped, just took a hiatus.  Than about mid-winter the squirrels had taken over the feeders and we had a slick coat of ice all over the backyard, so I quit feeding the squirrels for fear the dogs would hurt themselves chasing the critters on the ice.

Blue jay on my homemade bird feeder

That's when the healing box opened up and I talked with Luigi.  I needed him to forgive me, so I could forgive myself about his death.and he did.  So I was able to forgive myself. 

That was this past spring.  I still couldn't bring myself to feed the birds.  It took me seven months and a lot of back and forth deciding.  My hubby, Mark, also aided to my dilemma.  He found a couple of bird feeders in the dumpster, both like brand new and brought them home, not knowing my emotional turmoil to use them or not.

Nuthatch

Finally, one day I gave in.  Filled the feeders, hung them up and let God take over.  And He did.  I suddenly had a bird haven, with squirrels and chipmunks.  Birds flying all over the place, whizzing by my head, in front and back of me.  This is when it occurred to me, that this is what Luigi would have wanted for me.  A yard full of birds for me to enjoy, harnessing that deep love I have always had for our feathered friends.  I would even call it Luigi's legacy for me.  He gave me a deeper understanding of birds and the relationship that is possible with them.  It is a wonderful, freeing feeling and that's all Luigi ever wanted for me.  I am so blessed to have had him in my life.

How are you healing with your loss?

Dear Friends,
This is dedicated to those of you who have lost recent loved ones and your own healing/grieving process.  I have found that it is not a linear journey, but one that seems to be all over the map.

Here is a tid bit of how my healing process is going since losing Brut... 

Ever since Brut died 8 months ago, I have been reliving thoughts and feelings that were suppressed when we came to the point of calling the vet and putting Brut down.

When the vet was at our house that fateful day my entire being was on alert and I was living straight in the moment.  There were no tears, that was no sadness, it was an act of kindness that I understand, but don't understand and I could not take in any of the pain that was happening at that point.  I was just there for Brut and easing his suffering.  My mind was open, my heart half shut to what we were about to witness, when the needle went in.

About 6 months that Brut had been gone, I had a memory of this moment in time described above, that were what my thoughts were when said event was happening.

"I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die."

And I balled and sobbed and grieved at a new depth.  I could have never gone through with his death if these words had been fully open in my heart.  For this wasn't about me and what I wanted.  It was about Brut and what was best for him.

Then just recently hubby, Mark and I came down with flu-like symptoms, horribly sick and I had another memory.  This one was very clear, we'd just put Brut down, we weren't ready to bury him yet and Mark looked at me and said, "Do you feel the void?"  I slowly shook my head.  Brut's life was too fresh in my hands and heart.  But in this present day, my mind ran through that scenario again and I felt it like a ripping of a veil.  Sending me further into my grief and pain.  Two weeks before this, I was doing pretty good.  Now it feels like a huge band-aid was ripped off my heart and needs to heal all over again.

It a little scary to have these memories only to be tore up all over again, but I believe it is all part of God's love for me to help me heal as thoroughly and lovingly as possible.  He knows what I need and this must be what I've needed.

How do you feel your healing process and grief are going?   Does it feel healthy? Too fast?  Too slow?  

Brut Self-Love

I've needed dogs all my life, they were my mentors on love, but I never needed I dog as badly as I needed Brut.  He's been teaching me the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn and one that only he could teach.  Self-love.

I've been in a downward spiral of self hate for most of my life and living thru the memories of my childhood abuse (PTSD) only made things worse.

I think it is why I related with and loathe Brut's aggression.  It made me face myself and that was the last thing I knew how to do.

There was a part of me that loved his freedom and power to express himself.  Nobody walks all over Brut.  I struggled to reclaim that power in my own life.  To have the confidence and strength that would stop myself from my own self beatings.

And I hated Brut too for his aggression and the violence and cruelty it portrayed.  It became a cycle that I couldn't see.

I fought hard for my heart dog.  Even before I knew a word that described him.  Little did I know that every time I faced Brut, I faced myself.

Brut's aggression would go from 0 to 60 and back in a matter of breaths.  I took a little longer on my end of forgiveness.  

No matter if it was my fault or his for a fight, eventually I came around to forgiving him and most

important, I continued to love him.  And every time I loved him, a little piece of me was loved.

This awful, horrible being I grew up thinking I am, was chipping away when I was confronted with Brut and his aggression.  For I already knew the beautiful being Brut was. I was shocked to discover much later he was thinking the same thing about me.

It has taken many years of dog's unconditional love that kept me believing in love at all. It was Brut that started breaking down that self prison with every growl, snarl, and gnashing of his teeth to wake this girl up and set her free.

   

Silver's Deep Healing Prayer

Dear God,

It is me again, Silver and I want to thank you for my surgery going so well.  I didn't have to "go under" so I didn't get the sickies and while I am grateful that everything went so good, I have a few, what should I call them...complaints concerns. 

Do you know what Mom did to me?  First, she put me on a collar and leash and didn't even take me for a walk except in the backyard.  What in the world is that about?  I'm almost 11 years old and she's treating me like a puppy who doesn't know how pee outside.  I am a mother too you know, I'm pretty sure I can pee and poop all by myself.  So instead I made her worry and held it in for as long as possible!

Next she got me in this ridiculous outfit to wear when my bandage came off.  Mom thinks she pretty brilliant keeping my boo-boos cover with the long sleeves of one of grubby shirts.  Not even a nice one at that.  I don't think she even cares that it is two sizes too big, she just pulled the ends together and tied it with a rubber band.  So now I've got this flipping shirt tail sitting on my back.  Oh, the humiliation!

If that isn't bad enough she's making me eat at the kiddie table with Zappa and Fiona.  Now that's just down out rude!!  Brut and I enjoy our quiet meals together without the kids.  How long is this going to last?

And then to top everything I have to sleep with the kids too at night.  Which isn't the worse of it because I get to sleep in my favorite den under the bed, but still, a grown mother sleeping with her two rug rats every night.  I love them and all, but this is too much!! 

So my biggest prayer is to help me heal as fast as possible so that I can get my life back.

Thanks for listening God,
Love,

Silver

The Daddy Dog Brut Experience

This is for all of you out there that didn't have the dad you needed or the love you deserved from him

Let Daddy Dog Brut show you what it like to have a real dad for a day.
(or Visit on YouTube)

One thing that Brut is, is a good father to his kids.  Watching him play and rumble with his 10 puppies was a magical healing for me personally.  

And watching him be a father now to his four continues the healing experience.  

So go on, take in a piece of Brut for yourself and share in the Daddy Dog Experience.  

It will make a believer out of you.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY BRUT!

WE LOVE YOU!!  :)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

Where are they?  Don't they know it's past dinner time?

We were on our way home from an out of town appointment that's close to about four hours round trip not including the office visit.  About an hour from home, I start to worry a bit about the dogs.  Hoping they are OK, knowing it is past dinner time and I start to get excited about seeing them again.  It's then that I start thinking, I don't know if I could ever do an overnight trip without the 24 Paws, because about an hour before getting home or by the fifth hour we're away I start worrying and thinking about how much I can't wait to see them.  Sure I can't wait to take a break and get away, I've even dreamed of taking vacations, but really I can't stay away from the dogs for too long.  They are my sanity, security and comfort that I start to long for when we do leave for short day trips.

Not to mention the wonderful woo-woo greetings we get and how happy we are to see each other.  How do people live without that?  Or how about the dog owners that completely ignore that enthusiastic welcome?  It is too precious and sweet not to rejoice in reuniting with each other.  I don't even get up from my chair or leave the computer when hubby comes home after a long day of work.  I should be so passionate in my hello to him like the dogs are.  :)

Your home!  Your home!  Your finally home!

It had been a long day for everyone so I took a little special time with each dog to tell them how much I loved them.  Belly rubs, hugs, scritches, kisses to thank them for being the great healers they are for my body, soul and mind as I got them ready for bed.  And my day was complete.  Couldn't ask for better.  It was just great to be home.  Home with the 24 Paws of Love.

Does anyone else feel like this?
  

A Healing Journey

 If I'm alright with myself, then I'm alright with everyone else

If I'm not OK with me, then I can find fault with everyone

                            ~Tom W.

For as long as I can remember I've never wanted to be me.  I wanted to be someone else, anyone but who I was.  For years and years I was taught I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or worthy of love.  It has been a very slow and painful journey to grasps the straws like self worth and self love that hold the keys to my self-acceptance.  

My struggle with my self worth and love transfer to my dogs as well.  A friend sent me a video about a female lab gently communicating with a very young boy with Down Syndrome.  You can see video HERE.  The last message on the video was God Doesn't Make Mistakes.  And I cried.  Not only for myself but for my dogs as well.  They could never be that dog who was so tender and understanding with this boy.  Logically I know that they are not meant to be that dog, but in those moments I wish they could.  

And so because of my own infliction I instantly discredited myself , our dogs and our entire relationship because we are different.  And it is in this inner conflict where I gain my strength from the dogs that I have the right to be who I am, just as I was designed at the core of me.

For as much as I may wish Brut or Zappa or any of them to be like so-and-so they have taught me at a depth that no one else could teach me about self value and worth.  For they are the very essence of being true to their being and being who they are.  It has taken all of their flaws to keep holding that chord that I am not perfect (another one of my character defects), but that I can make mistakes and still be worthy of their love and mine.

For it is in those moments when our true self arises, whether it is with one dog or all six that they show me again and again, I am worth it.  And since I believe every relationship with my dogs whether in part or as a whole is a two way street, then I must have shown them that they are worth it too as we reflect this worth back and forth between us.  

And so the journey continues.  Deep in the paws of love and the eyes that reflect my soul.  For I need no mirror, just need to look deeply into their pools of love to open my heart to my own.

  What do you mean we're not perfect?

Brut Honesty

I have often discussed my difficulties with Brut and all his transgression.  Name a bad behavior and he has it.  It has been a difficult struggle for me, but it has also been so for Brut.  For as much as I have had to put up with him, he has had to put with me as well.  I'm not talking about my lack of knowledge and ignorance about his aggressive nature, but with my disdain that has come from it.  There are more ways than I can count that I've had the thought of wanting to get rid of him.  I haven't always been so forgiving and kind to him.  A vicious dog fight I witnessed as a child triggered what I thought was a killer in Brut.  Every time Brut attacked one of the other dogs, I was gripped in fear that his actions were malicious and I learned to hate that part of him.  I could not separate what I saw between those fighting dogs who happened to both be Chow Chows and Brut whom I discovered was also part Chow.   What would be the odds?

Yet as much as that hatred and fear hardened my heart, my love for Brut ran a deep parallel to it and I found myself always teetering on that fine line.  I struggled to love this portrayed monster and the Jekyll and Hyde he displayed between the two entities where I found myself constantly flipping with obvious division between the 'killer' Chow in him and the loving Husky.  I've done my share of emotional damage to him as these two dimensions split my love for him.  So while it hasn't been easy on me, it hasn't been easy for Brut either.

So many times I didn't know what to do when he would go after another dog and felt like I was drowning in a sea of hopelessness. If it wasn't for the bond we form the first day I chose him, I don't know what would have happened.  Spurred along with words from the breeder who said he gave us Brut because he knew we would keep him forever.  Never mind that this breeder was part of the cause for the damage done to Brut as a very young pup, they were words I couldn't ignore.  Words I clung to at those moments when I was ready to give in.  Words that made a difference and kept my thoughts about getting rid of Brut, just that, thoughts.

And Brut knew it.  He knew how I felt because I couldn't hide it from him.  Thoughts or not, they were real.  My frustration, anger and disappointed flowed through me like a river and gushed all over Brut.  But then so did my love for him.  Eventually time and understanding began a healing for both us and brought us closer than ever. The love kept winning as our frayed ends began to mend.  Respect replaced the hate and I began to understand the nature of the beast within both Brut and myself.  Two very damaged souls that found the power to heal one another with a bond that will never die.  Call him my heart dog, my canine soul mate, or my spiritual twin, no other dog could have done what he did for me.  And no other human could have done what I did for him.  A true measure of love that has only grown and matured as the years pass.  How to stick it out through the best and worse of a relationship and the honesty of those ugly feelings that kept bringing us back to each other. 

         Who would have thought the most troublesome dog could save this traumatized heart and teach me the Brut honesty of true love?

Monday Memories-A Look Back

 The Back Dogs

Our lives have been in heartache, pain and joy for the past three years.  When  Alex died we were devastated, then six months later Silver gave birth to ten healthy puppies.  In three months all of the puppies found homes, and we were left with what we now call the Back Dogs, Daddy Dog Brut, Mommy Dog Silver, and their two puppies, Zappa and Fiona.  Things were just starting to simmer down, when four months later one of our puppies from our litter, Blaze came back home from an abusive owner.  Suddenly our home was in chaos again as we had to separate Blaze from the others because the Back Dogs wouldn't accept her.  Thankfully Chance, another puppy from our litter came back home four months after Blaze and they would be known as the Front Dogs.  What a blessing as Chance and Blaze's owners were related and Chance and Blaze practically grew up together.

  The Front Dogs

The experience was overwhelming and painful as we did our best to help in healing the Front Dogs wounds from their previous owners as well as heal Brut and his aggressions.  It was a rocky and winding road with many twist and turns.  It was a difficult time and we struggled with knowing what to do sometimes.  Then there were days when everything seem to fall in place and there was peace that let us know everything was alright and that we were doing the right thing.

Looking back it was a stressful time but a wonderful time of growth and healing for all of us and what seemed so strange in the beginning has become our normal.  Six dogs divided into two packs, a divided house and yard have become a natural way of life.  Our family is beginning to settle into our routines and we are finding stability and grounding in our home that has been in upheaval since Alex died.  We have been able to really sit back, relax and enjoy our time with our two packs.  I don't know if they will ever be integrated but we are OK with that because for now we are enjoying our family right where they are at. We are really beginning to savor this new stable period and enjoy the progress everyone has made.  It's like finally being able to breathe a quiet sigh of relief, soak in the happiness and take some time to enjoy our odd family.  And isn't that what family is all about?  

How We Became Two Packs

Front Dogs

Back Dogs

Some of you may not be aware that our six dogs are divided into two packs and you may wonder why.   When Brut and Silver had their puppies, we kept Zappa and Fiona and they formed a pack, the Back Dogs.  Chance and Blaze (Front Dogs) who were part of our litter returned at almost a year old, both abused and to the Back Dogs they were strangers. 

I was just learning about socializing before Front Dogs came back, but had no ways or means to do it. That's when we decided to take BRUT to the only behaviorist within 100 miles. We were not comfortable with her or her methods and after she kicked Brut on purpose while he lay at our feet, we knew we were never going back.  (More details in a later post)

After Blaze came back and the Back Dogs wouldn't accept her, I called a dog trainer for some advice on how to introduce the dogs.  After giving him a complete history on the phone, he informed me of two things.  1.  I didn't know what I was getting into, and  2. I was going to have to give up one or more dogs.  I may not have known everything I was getting into, but I was willing to try and make it work.  Giving up any of the dogs was NOT an option.  Not long after Blaze came back, Chance came back.  Chance coming back was a miracle for Blaze and us.  She wasn't alone anymore and neither was Chance as they grew up together because their owners were related.

So after dealing with the "experts," we realized we were on our own to figure this out.  Besides who knows our dogs better than us?  There are many books on dogs, but is there a book on just Blaze?  Or Brut?  Or any of the others?

So we divided the house and the yard in order to make things work for this time period.  Blaze and CHANCE have needed extensive time to heal from the abuse from their previous owners.  Brut has needed the time to learn how to socialize within his pack and proper alpha dog corrections.  We are getting very close with him, mostly from what he has learned from Zappa and Fiona.  Post: Brut and the Power of Love   If we had tried to force these dogs together before their healing began to take place, it would have done more damage than good.

Blaze and Zappa

Zappa (Back Dog) and Blaze (Front Dog) are able to hang out together.  If you read BLAZE'S STORY you'll see they took to each other shortly after Blaze came back.  We still let them put them together when Chance goes with Daddy.  There is a bit of a riff between Chance and Zappa over Blaze.  They each think they saw her first.

Silver and Chance

Silver (Back Dog) and Chance (Front Dog) are also able to hang out together.  Silver usually struts her alpha dog style during playtime, but her defenses break down enough in order for a few rare moments of connection with Chance and it is well worth it.  We have also taken one Back Dog and one Front Dog for walks together as well and each time notice more and more improvement. 




There have been many challenges along the way but each step has been a reward.  We had our header photo made to give a visual of the integration between the two packs.  We know we have a tough road ahead, but we have plenty of time to do it.  We believe in taking things slow, for the dogs and ourselves.  We want to make sure that each time there is contact it is positive and productive.  We have always believed everything happens for a reason and as this journey has been unfolding we have come to trust that even more.  We believe by design we are taking the road less traveled, and we have the faith and trust that bringing these two packs together will someday be a reality.  No matter how we look at it, they are still the 24 Paws of Love.