Soul Windows-Chance's One Year Anniversary

I am still processing Chance's death and this post comes in pieces from my broken soul.

Chance was the fourth puppy born to Silver and Brut's litter and the hardest dog for me to let go.  He was my heart and soul dog and his passing cuts the deepest out of our three that died.  

Chance's eyes were like burning fires.  They started out yellow than turned to an fiery amber.  His eyes were dull and empty when his previous owner returned him.   I watched those eyes turn to light and love.  They were so sweet and full of life and passion.  

I felt safe and protected in those eyes.  They were our largest way of communicating.  Chance's eyes spoke volumes in compassion, empathy and unconditional love.

Those eyes have saved my life over and over again.

13 years with these expressive, trusting eyes, taking care of me, even until the very end. When he willed himself in spite of the shot that was just given, to lift his head to give  me his eyes, one last time.  

Chance, my soul, spirit and love dog

Chance is my second heart dog.  He is the son of my first heart dog Brut.  A heart dog is a dog that is like your canine soul mate.  You connect on a different  and more personal level.  Brut and I were like twins.  And it is not much different with Chance, though we don't reach the extremes that Brut and I did.

 Brut consumed so much of my time, attention and energies.  It was a wonder I could even take care of the rest of the packs.  He was a very complex dog with deep inner fears and had an aggression towards other dogs.  My entire being was based on his mood.  I never really swore or vowed consciously, but I didn't want to go through what I did with Brut again.  Thank God, there was only one Brut.

Since Brut died, for me, it has been about having equal time with each dog. Trying to make my time fair to each pack and each dog.  And while it has become the norm, to go back and forth, it can still be a challenge.  Especially when there is a special need to attend to, like a sick or hurt dog.  Or maybe someone just needs mom's touch and love.  Breaking it down two dogs in each pack helps and makes it more simple. 

Then there's Chance.  Chance seeks me out.  He goes out of his way to be close to me.  He doesn't demand attention like Brut did.  He is happy with every moment we have together.  It's our walks and playtime together that really bring it home for me.  There is just something about Chance that is special and full of heart.  Chance is a very quiet dog.  He only barks when he sees something outside and for that he's a very good watchdog.  He doesn't whine or snarl or cry, in fact he rarely "talks."  But he has this sing song woo-woo he always gives before a walk that just lifts my entire spirit.  He makes me want to sing with him.  There is something about that little woo-woo that tells me how he feels about what he wants and that he's ready to walk with me.

Chance isn't much for cuddling or very much petting, but he will get up on the couch with me when he needs me.  I never ask it of him, he comes up on his own free will.  The couch is small enough that we are always touching when he's up there and for him to even consider getting up on the couch with me, tells me he wants to be close.

Another way he shows me he cares is when he lets me hug him, something he will only partake in if he initiates it. Well, the other day I was so down about not being able to sled with him anymore, that I laid down next to him, put my arm around him and we just stayed there.  We stayed like that for some time.  Chance is so compassionate and forgiving that way.  He knew I was sad and he let me hold him in my time of need.

What make all of these acts so memorable is the vibe that is going on when we are together.  It is this vibe that is like music through my heart and soul that digs into a connection I've only had with Brut.  It is alive.  It is electric.  And it is real.  Just me and Chance.  Always.  All the time.  It is like unblocking a blood vessel and feeling the blood rush to your brain showering you with love and life.

I haven't a clue still what to call Chance, as I am reserving the name "heart dog" for Brut.  Soul dog, love dog, spirit dog, they all fit, but it is like naming a cloud, the form is in constant evolution.  As I believe our relationship will continue to change and grow like life.

I don't know where Chance is taking me, but hold on!  It is one wild dance!

What is your experience with your heart dog?

Need your ideas for another name for a Heart Dog

It's hard to beat a Heart Dog like Brut.  That kind of intensity can only be match.

I'd been walking Chance and Blaze together most of the time, when I decided we needed some one-on-one time.  That is when I noticed that Chance and I were walking in sync.  We completely had the same rhythm, enthusiasm, and centering in our core.  We seemed to be thinking and feeling as a unit.

Even though I had mention it before on this blog that I thought I had a second heart dog, I kind of forgot about it until these recent walks with Chance.  Not to mention the grieving I've went through these last two years over Brut,  I didn't think I'd have a heart dog again until Chance slowly reminded me, he was it.

Well, Brut will always be my Heart Dog, and I couldn't call Chance that.  I needed another word that would carry a meaning just for Chance.

So I'm asking you readers to give me your suggestions on another name for a Heart Dog.  I've come up with one but I'd like to hear your ideas.

Brut Thursday-The Fight Within

Brut Thursday, a day late, but not forgotten.

I was thinking about Brut today.  My husband, Mark and I were a little huffy with one another and I my boy came to mind.

Nobody really understood Brut's anger issues.  I don't even think Mark could fully comprehend them, but I got it.  It made total sense to me once I discovered his puppy hood before us.  I knew what it was like to be betrayed and to fight for yourself by yourself.  From a depth that is scarring and sacred, you hold on to survive with that last breath.  Because it is all you have.  It becomes all you know as the fear swells in you, fighting to destroy everything you have, your heart and soul.  You become the fight you feared to save them.  Only to find you are killing yourself in the process. So you thrash harder not understanding why it hurts so.  But it is the only way you know.

I don't know how Brut and I ever picked apart all those needles in our gut, but we did it together.  I don't know that either of us "healed" right but learned in each other that we were not alone in our fight.  In fact Brut taught me how to fight and stand up for myself turning that turmoil inside out.

Brut had a way of calming me because I was understood.  Something I hadn't found in my journey until him.  I witnessed first hand the "home" life he had before me.  Vicious.  Daunting.  Many angry dogs all living on survival mode.  Scary.  It was no wonder Brut scared the crap out of me from a young puppy.  The boy was crazy with fear.  And hurting so deep.  Was it any wonder we bonded so deeply?

To say I was blessed with Brut is an understatement.  I don't know that there is a word for it that would do our relationship justice.  I miss my boy every day.  If I didn't know his spirit is right there for me, I don't know what I would do.  Connecting with Brut is my strength.  Knowing and healing with him brings me right back here.  To this blog to share my story of the greatest dog I have ever known.

 

Giving Brut a Chance

I've never felt so lost and relieved at the same time.  It is an odd combination.

I have not had the words to write much and that too is strange for me.

If you've noticed, hubby, Mark has been doing all the updates on Brut.

It is definetly like being caught between a rock and a hard spot.

Brut was down this past Tuesday (5-12-15) with low blood pressure and probably bleeding internally.  For the first time since all this started with his eye, he looked to be in some pain.  It was a scary night as I cried and told him everything he means to me and how much I love him.  Not knowing if this was the time he was going to bleed out for good.  I did everything to make him comfortable.  He was still eating and drinking, which was a good sign.  I stayed up all night with him.  (I couldn't sleep anyways)  And I prayed this couldn't be it.  Not yet.  He still has so much life in him God.  Please not today.

And Wednesday morning, he bounced back like nothing had happened.  Just like that.  He was my Brut again.  Maybe not 100%, but very close.  He been great Thursday and Friday as well.  Maybe a little slower at times, but still looking good.

And I'm so relieved.  And I've cried tears of joy that he's still with us and I've cried tears of sadness that this is going to happen again and again.  This roller coaster ride.

We don't know if he's a canidate for surgery.  It looks to be a good size risk.  We still have to make

more inquiries and ask more questions.  Like there would probably have to be a blood transfusion (because of internal bleeding) and not all vet clinics are equipped to do that.  And we still have to deal with his high blood pressure issues.

And every movement Brut makes is critical not to start bleeding internally again.  Plus counter acting his excitement level and hypertension.  His aggression has popped back up slightly and we have to keep that at bay.

And with our van being totalled, it makes it hard to transport him in our single cab beat up truck, except maybe to our local vet whose a couple blocks away.

And when you start adding up the odds agaisnt us, it seems hopeless.  So utterly hopeless.

That is until I saw the comments left by readers and strangers wishing us well and Brut healing.

Prayers, good thoughts, POTP, and hugs. So many hugs.  It brought my spirit back up.  And gave me hope.

I didn't know if I had any left.  Until I saw your comments and donations.

Maybe just maybe the surgery could be done and we'd have our Brut back.

Mr. Orinery himself.  

Maybe there is a chance.

Thank you for giving me that chance again.

I can't thank everyone enough.

God bless you.

To learn more about Brut's diagnosis, you can read the ER trip to explain.

Brut Self-Love

I've needed dogs all my life, they were my mentors on love, but I never needed I dog as badly as I needed Brut.  He's been teaching me the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn and one that only he could teach.  Self-love.

I've been in a downward spiral of self hate for most of my life and living thru the memories of my childhood abuse (PTSD) only made things worse.

I think it is why I related with and loathe Brut's aggression.  It made me face myself and that was the last thing I knew how to do.

There was a part of me that loved his freedom and power to express himself.  Nobody walks all over Brut.  I struggled to reclaim that power in my own life.  To have the confidence and strength that would stop myself from my own self beatings.

And I hated Brut too for his aggression and the violence and cruelty it portrayed.  It became a cycle that I couldn't see.

I fought hard for my heart dog.  Even before I knew a word that described him.  Little did I know that every time I faced Brut, I faced myself.

Brut's aggression would go from 0 to 60 and back in a matter of breaths.  I took a little longer on my end of forgiveness.  

No matter if it was my fault or his for a fight, eventually I came around to forgiving him and most

important, I continued to love him.  And every time I loved him, a little piece of me was loved.

This awful, horrible being I grew up thinking I am, was chipping away when I was confronted with Brut and his aggression.  For I already knew the beautiful being Brut was. I was shocked to discover much later he was thinking the same thing about me.

It has taken many years of dog's unconditional love that kept me believing in love at all. It was Brut that started breaking down that self prison with every growl, snarl, and gnashing of his teeth to wake this girl up and set her free.

   

MY SERENITY

The Brut Depth

It almost scares me how deep a human-canine love can go.  I've known many dogs in my life and felt a great amount of love from them that I didn't know was possible, but from the first time I laid eyes on Brut, I knew he was different.

 

I just didn't know how different.

When I am scared, I can crawl inside him and feel safe and protected.  

When life is uncertain and shaky, he's the rock I hold on to. 

When all seems lost I look long into his eyes and I find myself again.

I can't tell you how many times Brut and I are breathing at the same pace.  

Or how we think of each other at the same time or have turned in unison with that knowing glance.  

The secrets in our souls that would die for the other.  

I never stop being fascinated with Brut when our spirits are entwined.  

It is like having a canine twin.  

There is something about a heart dog that is like no other.  

It's like holding each other hearts

In our hands

And never letting go.

Brut "My Rock"

The Dog you have all been waiting for...

This was filmed on Brut's Gotcha Day of Nov. 22. (7 years)

I talk like a mouse so may want to turn up the volume.  (EH?)

Still working on my camera voice.

 

Video not working?  Watch on YouTube


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NOTE**  Luigi (the duck) was sporting a wet feather mustache stuck to his nostril.  Ducks don't slobber or have snot.  But it did make for a good laugh!

How I know when my world is alright.

I don't know about anyone else, but the winter blues having been getting me down.  When my world feels off  each dog shares something with me that makes it feel alright again.  With Silver it playing tag or fetch with her, just watching her play is a joy.  Special kisses from Zappa because Daddy's dog.  With Fiona it is her laying on my feet at night for that sense of security.  Blaze will plop down in front of me waiting for kisses on the forehead and Chance makes everything better by letting me snuggle and hold him when I'm feeling down.  And while everyone played their part today it was my walk with Brut that settled my soul and brought peace to my little world.  

We went around my favorite time, just before dusk.  I hooked Brut up to pull a small log (maybe 10 pounds) because in the winter this snow dog has too much energy for me to handle.  :)  And we headed off.  And I felt the weight of my sorrows and troubles begin to just melt away as we jogged along.  I let him decide most of the path and I just followed.  It will always blow my mind how deeply in sync we can be.  There have been more than enough walks that we push and pull against each other, even if it is in fun, it can be exhausting.  With Brut pulling he had to think about what he was doing, plus he was using different muscles and pulling weight was wearing himself out.  I felt like we were in our own little world.  It was so perfect.  And as my depression worked itself out with each footprint and the cold put a freeze on all of the bad and worthless thoughts, I felt the rippling between us of two being one.

And it was just that simple.  Just Brut and I and the perfect walk.  The need to be alone in our solitude together.  Understanding each other's need and the equality that this was our walk.  For both of us, hidden in our fortress of the waning sky where we can just be.  

What does your dog give you for that peace of mind when your world feels astray?    

Monday Memories-Brut 'Heart' Walk

It was something I could never explain.  Long before we joined the blogging world.  I just knew there was something different about Brut and I that I could never really put into words.  Brut was almost two years old and while we were out on a walk, my conscious translated that knowing feeling into a simple understanding.  Brut wasn't a part of me, nor was he an extension of me; we were a complete unit walking as one being.  My best description for a term I would later come to know as a 'heart dog

.'  

The Greater Lesson

Today I was in a funk.  By early evening, I felt like a failure as a dog mom.  Somehow all of my best laid plans and good intentions were washed down the drain.  The world seemed to crash down hard on top of me.  I saw no hope in being able to make any changes for the evening hours as I sat with Chance and it began to sprinkle.  I had nothing left to give as I hung my head and shook a weary fist at this world.  Defeated.  I sat as the drops kept falling.   

 Come on Mom, is that all you got!!

Chance was my healer today.  As we sat in the rain, I'd left the hose running, his greatest love.  I watched him run to and fro with it, twisting, pulling, all around the yard.  I was almost going to go in and take my misery with me, when something stopped me and I picked up the hose and began to play tug-of-war with him.  Pitting all my strength against his.  In this friendly but competitive challenge,  I channeled my negative energy through that hose to hold my ground.  And more times than not I surrendered to this white warrior.  As the tension in my brain began to break and rain fell harder, the challenge was taken to the next level.  To get the hose from Chance and not let him get it by swinging it around while he did some of most acrobatic twist, jumps and moves I have ever seen a dog do.  Phenomenal!  I was in totally awe.  Astounded.  That boy is something.

When I finally came in, I realized I'd only felt a temporary release and that my feelings of failure had come rushing back.  I had devoted all of my available energy to one dog and there were five others that had been left out and it was pouring.  Eventually I found myself in front of the computer, searching for something and then I found a video I had saved:  GoD and DoG by Wendy Francisco.

And suddenly it all began to make sense. 

I came to realize that I am extremely blessed with not just one, but two "Heart Dogs."  Brut is one and it just dawned on me tonight that Chance is the other.  I have always known that both Brut and Chance are my spiritual leaders and there is a reason they are both leaders of two equal packs.  Which had lead me to the realization that I need two leaders in my home and could not be done if the dogs were all united.  There is a reason that is deeper and stronger that can not be questioned and brings a greater peace of mind just knowing.

That is what I was suppose to learn today from Chance and because the communication between the two packs is strong and viable, everyone already knew that Chance was the only one who could teach me this lesson.  The agreement had already been made between all of the dogs and my feelings of failure were wiped clean.