Confessions of a grieving dog mom #4-No one told me I might have resentments

Chevy and the roses of the 24 Paws of Love

The first month with Chevy was bliss...and then I found myself with resentments that I wasn't prepared to have.  I was suddenly in the anger stages of my grief over the 24 Paws of Love.  I loved Chevy, but he wasn't Brut, Silver, Zappa, Fiona, Chance or Blaze.  I didn't realize I had an expectation of finding another Paw.  What made it even more difficult was that Chevy was a complete opposite of the 24 Paws.  In almost every way.  I felt like every day I was losing the 24 Paws faster and faster with Chevy being here.  I never missed six dogs so much in all my life and I struggled to keep my focus on Chevy.  It was a bit of a trying time with Chevy settling in and my resentments.  If it wasn't for the structure Chevy and I were building with feedings, downtime, training, playtime and walks, it would have been a whole lot worse, but we carried on together. 

It wasn't Chevy himself that I was angry at, it was just the fact that we were here at this point in our lives.  The 24 Paws ending and Chevy beginning.  It opened a new wave of grief over the 24 Paws.  Angry for what would never be again.  Angry for what we had and angry for grieving all over on an entirely different level with Chevy here.  I felt like I was in the middle of the Paws and Chevy and couldn't decide which way to go.  My loyalty was being stretch in both directions and my first devotion was always to the Paws while struggling to give my heart to Chevy.  

Chevy was his own dog with his own personality and quirks.  For some reason I thought that Chevy would be part of the 24 Paws of Love in some way, shape or form.  That I would "see" the 24 Paws in him or signs that they were "there" in Chevy.  But I didn't and that made me sad and angry.  Chevy was a total stranger.  As we were to him and that made it harder to not feel disappointed. 

I was looking for an instant spiritual connection that never came and I was crushed.  Except for the color of Chevy's fur matching Zappa's, Chevy was the exact opposite of the 24 Paws.  In mannerism, behavior, spirit, dog breed, disposition, and temperament.  You name it, he was as far from being one of the 24 Paws as could be.  And I was angry about that.  That fact alone took me to a place in my grief I never thought I could be.   

Then the next big bombshell hit...the anniversaries of the deaths of the 24 Paws.  From Silver in January to Brut in June, with the pups in between. Almost every month had an anniversary in it.  I sunk into one of the worst depression I'd had in a long time.  Going through that period of each of the dog's death's and having a new dog.  It was awful.  (I will note that I'm prone to depression.  So, this wasn't new to me, but the combo made it more difficult.) 

At the same time, Chevy and I were bonding through walks, training and playtime.  It was the highlight of my day being with Chevy, through these dark times.  

Then the strangest thing happened in May, after Chance's and Fiona's anniversary's, I started to feel a shift in my mood, that continued to lift me out of my depression.  And I tell you what, normally I'm depressed in the summer as well, but this past summer was one of the best I'd ever had because of Chevy.  He made everything worthwhile because he was there for me and I was there for him.  

My patient, gentle boy

I have come to a place of harmony with the 24 Paws and Chevy.  The 24 Paws can't be Chevy and Chevy isn't the 24 Paws.  It was a difficult discovery to make and was painful on many levels.  To be honest I still have shots of the anger flare up.  It is there, but I talk myself through it and it doesn't last long.  The 24 Paws were in my life for a reason.  They were a lifestyle.  My entire life was consumed with those 6 Husky-mixes.  It has been hard to let that go and let another dog in.  Oh, that doesn't mean they aren't here or I never think about them, the 24 Paws are very much part of my every day life, but expecting another dog to be part of them...isn't going to happen.  The 24 Paws were who they were and Chevy is exactly who he is.  And if I really think about it, I'm very, very grateful for that.