If I had one suggestion...

If someone asked me what got me through losing the 24 Paws of Love, I would have never thought it would be a pillow.   

The summer after Zappa died, a friend of ours gave Mark the above pillow of Zappa and him.  You would not believe the relief this pillow brought us.  We could hold it, talk to it, squeeze it, kiss it and cry into it and it was if Zappa was right there.  It was something tangible to hold on to and it made it difference in our grieving process.  

The following Christmas I got pillows of all the 24 Paws.  It was hard to believe that a pillow of the dogs could make such a transformation as we muddle through the loss, but it did.  There was something almost real about it.  

I know for some a pillow might not be your first thought, it wasn't mine either, but that gift from our friends, changed the way we thought and grieved.  I still hold them every night as I tell them good night.   

Maybe it could work for you. too.

Confessions of a grieving dog mom: Part 2

Chance, Blaze and Fiona were my water guzzlers.  Especially Chance.  He could empty a bowl in no time.  I was constantly filling the bowl.  After the three passed, I struggled to give Zappa fresh water.  He never went without it, it just wasn't fresh.   I just couldn't seem to get past the fact that the bowl was always full,   Sometimes I would stand and stare at the full bowl, paralyzed.  I knew I should empty and fill it, but I couldn't.  So I would just walk away. It got so bad that eventually Mark had to step in and start giving Zappa fresh water.  

Now we have Chevy and I have to remember all over again about supplying water.  Don't worry, Chevy is equipped for the task.  He lets me know daily that he needs fresh water to drink by walking to his bowl, smelling it and turning away.  He likes his water really fresh.  I was worried that I would do a Zappa repeat, but Chevy nipped that right in the bud.  

So cool how that worked out.  

Angry at Life

 I'm angry.  Yes, about the world situation, but this anger is a little more personal.   I'm in the anger phase of my grief of losing Chance, Blaze and Fiona.  I've been here before, but it is sticking around as I get to the core of it.  

I'm angry that life has left me with one dog.  Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful for Zappa, but I miss having a house full of dogs.  I feel cheated in some ways that Fiona, Zappa's partner, isn't here.  I am angry God took all three, practically at the same time.  I have no problem being angry at God and telling him how I feel, but in the end God always wins.  I mean, the dogs were 13 years old.  They weren't going to live forever...maybe it is the cancer I'm mad at.  Why did they have liver cancer and die from it?  All of the 24 Paws that have died, have died from cancer.  Maybe Zappa will be the first who doesn't.  Maybe that's why he is here.  Among many other reasons.  Zappa doesn't seem to be hurting from having all our attention.  I think as he has healed he knows we are at his beck and call and he is lapping it up.  I think we have pretty much concluded that we won't be getting a dog for Zappa.  He is the last of the Paws and we want to honor him for that.  Sometimes I think another dog would be good for him, but the thought is temporary.  I don't see a long term positive for him.  Zappa needs all our attention in these tender years.  And we need him as a representative of the Paws.  

Funny how God works, I thought I'd be ranting and raving, but, really I'm content and at peace.  I know later tonight, the anger will come, even though it is already subsiding as a whole.  I never know what might be next, but I've made it this far already, so I think I can make it.  

Hope everyone is having a good day.  Remember to hug your dog. ♥ 

Peace.

    

The Royal Blood/24Paws connection

 Tonight my favorite English duo, Royal Blood are playing here in Michigan.  I've been upset for months that I couldn't go.  Covid and Zappa.  Mostly Zappa.  I have really struggle with why the stars aligned the way they did for today.  It seemed like there was a roadblock in every direction.  

To me, Royal Blood is a band of all bands for alternative rock.  While it feels as if the the rest of the rock world is dying, this band is more than a breath of fresh air; they are like getting straight oxygen to the brain.  They had me with their first beat of their first single.  

Tickets went on sale in Dec. '21 and were still available last week.  There was just no way I can go.  Today, I finally accepted that and thought I will have my own private concert at home.  I'll play their 3 albums back to back and just enjoy the music.  

I was half way through the first album, Royal Blood, when I found myself feeling uneasy and like my brain was churning.  I had to walk away from the music and sit outside.  Before I left, I looked at the year this album came out.  2014.  That's when the puzzle came into focus. 

Brut died in 2015 and I'd been listening to this album, before and after he died. I lived on the album.  Sometimes it helped me grieve while other times it was a break from grieving.  

The 2nd album, How did we get so dark?, came out in 2017, the same year Silver died.  I played it to over and over that year.  

The latest album, Typhoon, came out in 2020. Our last summer with Chance, Blaze, and Fiona.  Guess what got me through after they were gone.  

Every significant death is connected with these songs, these albums, and this band.  

Maybe, just maybe seeing Royal Blood live, tonight, would have been more than this broken hearted dog mom could take.