Silver's Yucca plant

You know that all the 24 Paws have their own roses on their graves.  They also have their own inside houseplants.  

Today I'm going to share Silver's Yucca plant:

. 

There's a little back story to this plant and how it became Silver's:

Two years before getting Silver (2001), Mark bought me 7 houseplants for Christmas.  We'd had a few plants around the house, but his presents got me hooked on the hobby.  

So in order to care for all these different plants, I found a house plant encyclopedia that covered a variety of plants.  One of the first plants I saw in the book was a Yucca and wanted it.  I thought it was so cool, but for some reason I never thought about buying one.  Strange?

Silver died in 2017 and that summer after her death, I found myself in the garden section, staring at a Yucca plant.  In all my years of plant shopping, I had completely forgotten that I wanted one, until now.  That's when I knew I had to get it for Silver.  It was so weird how that plant slipped my mind for so long, until I saw it.  Sitting there, ready to go home with me.  

 

End of an Era: Zappa Jan. 2, 2008- Feb. 23, 2023

 A week ago, on February 23, 2023, Zappa passed away with assistance.  He lived for 15 years and 53 days.  We didn't know if he would make to his 15th birthday, let alone beyond.  

He survived tumors inside and outside his body.  Muscle loss and arthritis in his back and rear legs.  And he had laryngeal paralysis.   Every day was a miracle with him. 

I swear by cold laser treatment, as it kept Zappa walking and functional.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  By far the best money we spent on Zappa. 

He fell four days before his death, which we believe lead to the tumor bleeding in his liver.  

Zappa was the last dog of the 24 Paws of Love and so not only did we lose Zappa, but the 24 Paws as well.  

End of an Era.  

Thank you dear readers for being with us through our journey of love.  Thank you for sticking with us.  And while our journey with Paws is not over, we will be taking a reprieve to mourn the loss of the greatest dogs we have ever owned.  

Love,

Mark and Patty 

Broken heart

 I'm really scared about getting my heart broken again.  Losing three dogs almost at the same time was horrifying and devastating and I don't know that I can go through that again with another dog(s).  

Sometimes I feel like Zappa will be the last one...ever.  And there are other times I want another dog, but I can't see any past Zappa.  I think it's because we had a pack, with a mom, a dad and kids and it is so hard to explain the feelings of losing a family of dogs.  From picking out Silver, then Brut, the conception, the pregnancy, the births to watching the litter grow at an alarming rate.  To saying good-bye and then saying hello again with Chance and Blaze.  I have no idea why, but having Chance and Blaze come back made our pack complete.  Yeah, these were special dogs.  We chose and planned this litter for a long time and now Zappa is the only one left. He deserves all the attention he can get.  He deserves everything he can get.  

I haven't ended up in the funny farm yet over the last three deaths, but when Zappa's time comes...I don't know that I can guarantee that.  

If it wasn't for the cats, I would have lost my sanity.  Right now they are the only ones that are keeping me together.  I know I don't talk much about them, after all it is a dog blog, but if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have much to hold on to.  They too are older seniors and time is flying by.  I'll tell you more about them in another post.  I am so grateful for them.  They are my beacons.  

My heart was shattered is several different ways and pieces losing three dogs so close together.  I don't know how to come back from that kind of fracture.  Every day I think about Chance, Blaze and Fiona.  And every day a sliver of my heart starts the healing process.  But I still don't know if I could do it again.  I'm really not sure...right now it hurts too much.

The Royal Blood/24Paws connection

 Tonight my favorite English duo, Royal Blood are playing here in Michigan.  I've been upset for months that I couldn't go.  Covid and Zappa.  Mostly Zappa.  I have really struggle with why the stars aligned the way they did for today.  It seemed like there was a roadblock in every direction.  

To me, Royal Blood is a band of all bands for alternative rock.  While it feels as if the the rest of the rock world is dying, this band is more than a breath of fresh air; they are like getting straight oxygen to the brain.  They had me with their first beat of their first single.  

Tickets went on sale in Dec. '21 and were still available last week.  There was just no way I can go.  Today, I finally accepted that and thought I will have my own private concert at home.  I'll play their 3 albums back to back and just enjoy the music.  

I was half way through the first album, Royal Blood, when I found myself feeling uneasy and like my brain was churning.  I had to walk away from the music and sit outside.  Before I left, I looked at the year this album came out.  2014.  That's when the puzzle came into focus. 

Brut died in 2015 and I'd been listening to this album, before and after he died. I lived on the album.  Sometimes it helped me grieve while other times it was a break from grieving.  

The 2nd album, How did we get so dark?, came out in 2017, the same year Silver died.  I played it to over and over that year.  

The latest album, Typhoon, came out in 2020. Our last summer with Chance, Blaze, and Fiona.  Guess what got me through after they were gone.  

Every significant death is connected with these songs, these albums, and this band.  

Maybe, just maybe seeing Royal Blood live, tonight, would have been more than this broken hearted dog mom could take.  

Now and Forever, Blaze

 Where has the time gone?  How did almost a year sneak under our belt?  Today, Valentine's Day marks Blaze's 11 months since she left us.  How have we managed, how have we lived without her for 11 months?  Seems like she was just here yesterday.  It doesn't seem fair or right, yet here we are.  

It wasn't so long ago that I was giving her kisses on her forehead.  Her favorite.  She used to visit me in the bathroom just for them.  

Or how giddy she would get trying to sit long enough for a treat with her wing-tipped ears wiggling with excitement.  

Two of my favorite memories of Blaze.  This is how I picture her.  Coming to get kisses and those floppy ears.  That's how I remember her.  

That's how I will always remember her.  

Now and Forever, Blaze.

The tears just sprang out of nowhere

 It started with Blaze's song and ended with paw prints and two lift harnesses.  

I haven't cried over just Blaze in a very long time.  It has taken this long to be able to process her death, without thinking of Chance and Fiona.  I never really got the chance because the focus immediately went on Chance as he struggled through Blaze's death.  And then we put Chance down and buried him and Fiona started her tailspin to her death the next three days.  And it has been an almost constant of Chance and Fiona, Chance and Fiona.  Never getting the chance to grieve my Sweet pea.  This was like a crack in the dam.  To be able to touch it and feel it.  

It started when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  What diagnosis did I have for today.  When I remembered what a friend said about going through a traumatic event.  Three deaths so close together.  Of dogs, no less.  And that's when Blaze's song went through my head and I broke down, only thinking of my little Blaze.  I missed her so much.  Not being able to grieve for her, the only thing I can remember about her is her barking at mealtimes.   Like it's the only thing stuck in my mind.  Hope that breaks along with this open healing.  I know there was more, but right now I can't find it.  

Fast forward to evening time, I sat in the garage while Mark did odds and ends.  Chance and Blaze's pawprints were on the floor in a box in garage.  Where they had been all summer.  I finally picked them up and put them in the bedroom, in the bookcase with the others.  Their last steps.  I labeled and put them away along with Fiona's and Blaze's collars.  

The last thing in the box was the red lift harness.  Still with their fur and smell.  The tears were filling up, I hung them quickly and walked away.  I wasn't ready to go there, yet.

The dam broke later that night as I was flooded with grief and sadness for my little Blaze.  And with it came all the memories of her and our life together.  It hurt but it was a good hurt to remember, feel and be in touch with my one and only Blaze. 

 

Dear 24 Paws of Love Readers,

 

Zappa's inherited lean-to from Brut, 

his favorite spot to be.

As you might imagine we have been at a loss these last three months since Blaze, Chance and Fiona died.  

I am at a loss of words to express how I feel.  I've never lost more than one dog at a time, so you can imagine how devastating this is for us.  It still seems so surreal.

Blaze's new roses~Sunny KnockOut roses.

And what is just as surreal is having just one dog now.  Zappa is all that is left of the 24 Paws of Love.  It is so sad, but we are so grateful he is here, and we can't say that enough.  It has been 20 years since we had one dog, but never under these circumstances.  To say that this is the hardest thing we've ever been through in our marriage would be an understatement.  Losing Brut was hard, but nothing compares to losing three so close together.  

Fiona's new roses~ Coral KnockOut Roses

I just wanted to let you know much we appreciate your love and support through this difficult time.  We want to also let you know that all of the 24 Paws are better dogs because of all of you and we are better humans because of you as well.

Check out this unique rose of Brut's 

Red Knockout

  I wish all of you could have met them.  They were the best dogs ever.  

I don't know that I will be taking an official blogging break to mourn, but there may not be many post for the next couple of months.  Nothing out of the ordinary, but just in case we are quiet, you will know why. 

And Silver's Pink Double petal KO roses

Thank you for sticking by and God bless! 

p.s. we are still waiting for Chance's roses to arrive.  It is taking forever, but will hopefully be here soon!

What happen to Fiona

Today marks Chance's three week anniversary.  This was written a week after his death and about Fiona after we buried Chance.  This was one of the hardest post I've had to write.  May they rest in peace. 

It has been a week today that we buried Chance.  He was alive until 2:45pm, then we did our burial ritual and he was buried.  It is also one week since Fiona had her first episode of not being able to walk.  The harness was fresh off of Chance and onto Fiona.  Scared the crap out of both of us.  We thought it was a bad sign and a horrible message.  Then she was fine the next day.  Was going to take the harness off that day, but decided to wait..."just in case."   She ate on Friday morning.  Good sign.  Then somewhere it changed to she couldn't walk anymore.  Her eyes were darting back and forth, she was shaking and when we tried to move her, awful sounds of pain came from her.  She fought and struggle, we thought we were hurting her with the harness. So we switch to the blanket and took her out to make her pee by hand.  She was in sheer terror from the  move.  Really no urine, she hadn't drank all day, so we took her back in the house and into bedroom.  More terror.  More pain.  Eyes darting fast.  Some how in that state of mind she rested, or at least stopped moving and closed her eyes.  I stayed up all night with her, except going out in the living room a couple of times and going outside with Zappa once.  Mark knew it was the end.  The pain was horrifying.  And if nothing else confirmed it, moving her into the van to go to the vet did.  Her whole world was spinning.  Her body was in constant motion.  There was no stopping this.  

Discussed with our vet what was going on.  She said it was vestibular disease (old dog syndrome) having to do with deep in the inner ear.  Mark thinks it was brought on by a mini-stroke.  Loss of balance, everything spinning, nausea, serious head tilt and eyes that dart side to side.  Our vet said it was like Fiona was on a merry-go-round that she couldn't get off.  Whatever it was and whatever caused it, was one of the worst things I have seen.  Fiona was suffering.  We had to make it stop.  Recovery was very, very slim with her liver condition.  And so, we put her down that Saturday after this short onset on symptoms that took over her body.  And she was set free, from all of it.  Running and playing with Chance and Blaze.  I saw her.  She was happy.  

Today I cried for that girl I miss and what happened.  That it wasn't enough that we loss Chance, but had to lose Fiona too and it doesn't make any sense.  I don't understand.  But then I think I do.  I just don't know for sure, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.  My sweet girl was doing so well. I was looking forward to the extra time together, now that Chance was gone.  And didn't even get that.  So fast.  So quick.  She was gone.  Never to hold her again.  

Today as I sat out front, Mark and Zappa going to grab dinner, I saw Blaze, sitting in front of me.  I hadn't forgotten, I hadn't had the time.  But she was there to comfort me.  And I could see and feel my little Sweet Pea.  Life is so unfair and must move on, but it will never stop me from loving all of you no matter where we go.  I will always take you with me.  And you will always be here.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you.  Now and forever.  Forever and always Amen.   

Run Fiona, Run Free

FIONA MARKIEWICZ

JANUARY 2, 2008--MAY 8,2021

55 days after Blaze died and 3 days after Chance died, our little Fiona, is now running free with them.  I can't explain what happened except it was neurological.  Maybe someday I will try, but for now it is beyond my comprehension.  She started having symptoms the night we buried Chance and from then on it only got worse.  There is a possibility for recovery from this aliment, but with Fiona's liver condition and hip dysplasia it did not look good.  So we did the most loving thing we could do and released her from her pain.  

Heaven gained one hell of a Diva Princess and true warrior of love.  

Prayers are welcome for Zappa, who is now the lone dog of the 24 Paws of Love. And for us as we have lost 3 dogs in less than 60 days.   

Thank you.

Run Free Mr. Chancer

 On May 5, 2021, 52 days after we laid Blaze to rest, we set our Chancer Dancer free from his cancer-ridden body.  

Cancer may have taken Chance, but never his spirit.  He fought right up until the end with all the love he could give.  

Our hearts are broken, but we are soothed knowing Chance is with Blaze again.

Our heavenly warrior is back where he belongs, with his girl, running free in God's kingdom.

Run free Chance

Chance Markiewicz

January 2, 2008-May 5, 2021

How we lost Blaze-Part 1

We just passed the five week mark of losing Blaze.  The time has been a blur as most of the focus has been on Chance.  Who is doing fine by the way.  No major changes and that is good, because when it changes, that means the liver is failing.  Which can happen at any time.  One minute everything is fine and the next they crash.  That was what happened to Blaze.  We took her to the vet for her heartworm test and to have the fluid drained out of abdomen, she walked out of the vet's office and into the van.  When we got home, she walked in the house and collapsed on the floor, eagle spread.  We were shocked, but I attributed it to her hip dysplasia, getting up and down several times the day before going in and out, and the fact she had to stand to have her abdomen drained.  Figured she was just exhausted from all the spent energy.  She hadn't ate the last couple of days and we thought she just needed to regain her strength.  We didn't know she was going into liver failure.  Nothing prepped us for this.

We had to carry her with towels to take her inside and outside.  By the second day she was weaker, refused to eat and still would only lay spread eagle.  She wasn't getting better, she was getting worse.  Unfortunately, we didn't know her liver was failing and it was all happening so fast.  That's we discovered her stool was black and looked like coffee grounds, she was bleeding internally from her upper GI.  It all went downhill from there.  Even with medicine, nothing could stop what was happening before our eyes.  Most of time she was out of it, but she had her alert moments.  Making the decision even harder.

We talked with our vet, we still couldn't totally comprehend what was happening to our girl.  I felt like we weren't getting any clear answers as to what direction to take.  The shock and disbelief were overwhelming.   But by the third night we knew she wasn't going to get better, she was barely functioning, except to drink water.  I stayed up with Blaze cleaning up her rear and comforting her as she was bleeding heavy through the night. 

It was time to make that decision.  

We took her in the next day, on a Sunday, at 2:15pm, in our van, as our vet assisted in the cross over for Blaze.  The vet at one end while Mark and I were looking into Blaze's eyes for the last time, saying our good-byes.

It was quick and painless and Blaze was finally set free from the wretched body that had betrayed her in the end.  It was over.  Her pain was over.  

I miss my little spitfire-

 It has been a long three weeks since Blaze left us.  We've settled into a routine without her smiling face and spunky eyes and life seems so empty.  She was the catalyst of the bunch.  Always getting something started.  She never did like a boring life.  

An hour an a half before breakfast, dinner and snack time, she started her famous mealtime is coming up bark.  Blaze always knew when it was mealtime and wanted to make sure I didn't forget.  

She used to drive me crazy with her barking, so I started talking back to her.  I miss our conversations.  

watch on YouTube

Blaze's song

Every dog that has passed on has a song.  My song for them.  A song will just start playing in my head after they are gone and it will remind me of them.  

This is Blaze's song.  The first morning she was gone, I got up and this song by Slaughter was playing in my head.  I hadn't heard this song in years, like since high school and there is was playing loud and clear for Blaze.  

I miss my girl.  She had a smile that could light up the world.  

For you Blaze...

Fly to the Angels

 

With Heavy Hearts...

We let go of Blaze... Sunday, March 14, 2021 

She was bleeding internally.  The cancer caught up to her.

So, we set her free

Another Princess warrior to add to heaven's army.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts.  Especially Chance who is lost without his girl.  

She was so loved and will be so missed. 

Run free my girl  ♥ 

Blaze Markiewicz

January 2, 2008-March 14, 2021

Time may heal all wounds, but time never met Brut

Four years ago today, I lost my best friend. 

My heart dog.

My soul dog.

My love dog.

There isn't a day that doesn't go by

Brut is always on my mind.  

Forever Brut

May he be causing a great raucous in heaven!

What is the oddest item you have kept after the loss of a pet?

There are the usual things, like collars, leashes, blankets, bowls, toys and beds that we keep after our furry loved ones pass on.  I even have the last medications from both Silver and Brut, stored away for what, I don't know.  I'm sure there are many more common things that us pet lovers keep, but what is the strangest?  What is that oddball thing that you just can't seem to part with?  That one thing that no one would understand except for your pet and you?

Mine is this stack of large yogurt cups.

Hubby, Mark can't understand why I've kept them.  Heck, I don't even know if I understand why I can't part with them.

Brut and I used to share a bit of yogurt every day all by ourselves.  He was just so adorable with food when we were alone.  No other dogs to threaten him and he would be so comical and attentive with me.  No fear.  He was so beautiful in these moments.  He was so bright eyed and bushy tailed, if you will.  His true self shining through.  Not the leader of the pack dog or the enforcer dog.  He was so content and happy to share with me and I with him. 

I could get him to do anything for food.  Place him in any position.  Add props.  Anything.  But during our yogurt time, he was free to just be himself.  Happy and free with a treat.  It was kind of magical who this boy was when his guard was down. 

He would eat from a spoon and he was good at it.  His eyes were soft and intent while his fur stood on end in excitement.  He had a smile on his face that shined with serenity. 

This is the first time I really explored why I've kept these yogurt cups and now it makes sense to me. 

It was my quality time with the REAL Brut. 

The boy I will always remember. 

How I wish I had a picture of his face of happiness.

At least now I have the memory the go with the cups.

So how about you?  What the strangest thing you ever kept from a loss pet?

Brut's roses-Three years later

It has been three years ago today that we buried Brut.

I have no idea what to say after three years of missing him.

This is Brut's rose this spring.

I practically baked it.

I covered it with a plastic barrel over the winter and forget to remove it in the spring.

We had an early spring, so it threw me off guard.

I just wasn't paying attention to the weather.

I thought it was a goner for sure.

Afraid that the rose we buried him with wasn't coming back.

And just as much as I feared the loss, I told my husband, "It'll come back.  It's Brut!"

And he did.

This is today.  In fact Brut's rose is thriving!

It was a long couple of months of not knowing if it would come back.

Or if the rose that was infused with Brut was going to have to be replaced.

And I think that would have been difficult on us.

Three years and counting.

Brut's rose is still going strong.

It is every dog lovers fear...

It is that deep pit in your stomach that is always there in the back of your mind.  It is the one thing as dog lovers that we can agree on and keeps us united.  It is a fear that grows slowly every day, each day at a time.  There is no shaking it or stopping it and one day it will happen.  Your dog will die.  Your best friend will leave you and you will be shaken to the core.  We know what it is like, because you will even bond with complete strangers that say they lost their dog and you will nod your head because you know the pain and anguish of their loss.  

We know the fear all too well, as we live with four dogs all the same age and all from the same litter and who have already lost their mother and father.  It is scary.  When Zappa pinched a nerve in his lower back, that half hour of waiting for my husband to return so we could take him to ER, was frightening.  Not knowing what was happening to him as he shook and shook and shook in my arms, I didn't know if this was it or not.  Thoughts circled in my head, if it was or wasn't.  I shook as well as that fear bubbled up, praying and praying for help.  I do believe that when one goes the rest will follow like dominoes.   And it will be just too much for our hearts to handle.  It brings a cold reality when one of them is hurt or sick, that this could be it.  Hubby, Mark and I tremor in that reality and the growing panic that we will never be ready for.

I should state that I'm referring to an earlier than predicted death, not so much one of old age, which I think we all ask for.  

Chance was sick today, only two weeks after Zappa was and vomited his breakfast three times after eating.  The panic meter started to rise:  the obnoxious heat and humidity we've had and the dogs still having some of their undercoat.  The fact couple with company yesterday, that would have set off Chance's panic button to an already hyper dog and couldn't deal with all the heat. I've spent all day trying to adjust that meter, but the terror is real.  The fear that there is something more wrong that what I see.  The fear that just like his dad,Brut, that Chance has come down with something and there are no warning signs, only to find out too late.  The fear of losing him sooner with not enough time for anything.  Why?  Because it happened to me.  Brut was gone at the young age of eight years old.  With no symptoms that anything was wrong and once diagnosis too late, he was gone.  Just like that.  Gone forever and ever.  Gripping reality for the fear that runs deep for his children.  

Hopefully Chance will be feeling better by tomorrow.  If not we are off to the vet.  And hopefully Zappa will be OK, as he took the last of his pain killers today, so now it will be a watch and wait game.  

And as far as Mark and I, we will continue to spend all the quality time we can with our dogs, no matter the fear that lies beneath.  

We will pray for all you that live this fear.   (((HUGS)))     

Life Lesson #275

Our cat Boxer was meant to be here.  Little did I know that through all our aggravation we dished out to each other, he was going to teach me a valuable life lesson.

I got Boxer as a kitten, just 22 days after my heart cat, Sparky died.  Sparky was my first pet and he was the coolest cat that acted like a dog.  He made me love cats like I didn't think was possible and losing him was devastating.  He had been through every significant point of my life up until his death.  I grieved hard for several year over Sparky before I was able to let him go and come to peace with his death.

So what was I doing getting another cat so shortly after Sparky died?

I don't know.  I just felt lead to Boxer.

Until he pooped in my lap when we were taking him home.  Then I began to question the mighty force that brought us together.

Boxer was all spit and fire.  A wild child who was the exact opposite of Sparky cool and calm nature.  It was after we got Brut that Boxer became obnoxious, pushy and demanding of me.  I had a hard time accepting Boxer for who he was because I was still grieving heavily for Sparky.  The emotional pain ripped through me and the more Boxer demanded to be noticed, the more I pushed him away.  I almost couldn't stand him sometimes.  I'm not kidding about playing aggravation with each other.  We learned to push each others buttons in the battle for each others love and attention.  I wanted a Sparky cat.  Boxer just wanted me.
I'm not sure when the breaking point was, but we finally broke through to the other side.  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't fun either.  But we finally began to understand and accept each other for the other and slowly have come full circle.

I never doubted that Boxer wasn't meant to be here with me.  I believe everything happens for a reason and what I went through with Boxer was no different.  He taught me that it isn't healthy for me to get another pet without fully going through the grieving process.  Waiting until I find that peace and serenity after suffering such a loss before bringing new life into my heart.  I don't want to put or go through what I did with Boxer after losing Sparky.  It was too hard on him and too hard on me.  Learning that hard lesson I absorbed through my relationship with Boxer is one of many reasons we are waiting to get a new dog after losing Brut and Silver.  I have learned that for me, I need that space and grieving time in order to really come to some peace about the death of a pet. 

I do believe everything happens for a reason and looking back I was lead to Boxer.  And I am ever so grateful. 

Silver's heart will shine on

Today marks Silver's one year anniversary since her passing.  The week has been hard leading up to today, but today I feel released and at peace.  I think about her every day and see so many of her qualities in her kids that shine through even more since they lost their mother, Silver.  In return, I see more of Silver every day.  Things I couldn't see before as strongly as I can now.  Mostly her giant, gentle heart.  She was such a beautiful mother to her kids and to me.  Those nurturing qualities have been passed on to her kids, in different ways and forms.  Silver's heart will shine on.

A poem I wrote shortly after Silver died, that speaks true today:

In the depths of blackness
I have wondered if I could ever love again
Another dog
Not knowing how to love the ones
I have
It was like the love just
drained from me
into the dirt
and I didn't know if I
could feel again
How could this human
bear that pain again
It doesn't seem possible
As someone once said to me
Intensely we love
Intensely we grieve
And it feels like my heart
can not bear
anymore
Not one more ounce of the loss
until I wake from my death coma
to know Silver's love is still
there
in every ounce of blood
coursing with love
Four puppies who lost
their mother
and I am renewed
I am not alone