I miss my little spitfire-

 It has been a long three weeks since Blaze left us.  We've settled into a routine without her smiling face and spunky eyes and life seems so empty.  She was the catalyst of the bunch.  Always getting something started.  She never did like a boring life.  

An hour an a half before breakfast, dinner and snack time, she started her famous mealtime is coming up bark.  Blaze always knew when it was mealtime and wanted to make sure I didn't forget.  

She used to drive me crazy with her barking, so I started talking back to her.  I miss our conversations.  

watch on YouTube

Life Lesson #275

Our cat Boxer was meant to be here.  Little did I know that through all our aggravation we dished out to each other, he was going to teach me a valuable life lesson.

I got Boxer as a kitten, just 22 days after my heart cat, Sparky died.  Sparky was my first pet and he was the coolest cat that acted like a dog.  He made me love cats like I didn't think was possible and losing him was devastating.  He had been through every significant point of my life up until his death.  I grieved hard for several year over Sparky before I was able to let him go and come to peace with his death.

So what was I doing getting another cat so shortly after Sparky died?

I don't know.  I just felt lead to Boxer.

Until he pooped in my lap when we were taking him home.  Then I began to question the mighty force that brought us together.

Boxer was all spit and fire.  A wild child who was the exact opposite of Sparky cool and calm nature.  It was after we got Brut that Boxer became obnoxious, pushy and demanding of me.  I had a hard time accepting Boxer for who he was because I was still grieving heavily for Sparky.  The emotional pain ripped through me and the more Boxer demanded to be noticed, the more I pushed him away.  I almost couldn't stand him sometimes.  I'm not kidding about playing aggravation with each other.  We learned to push each others buttons in the battle for each others love and attention.  I wanted a Sparky cat.  Boxer just wanted me.
I'm not sure when the breaking point was, but we finally broke through to the other side.  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't fun either.  But we finally began to understand and accept each other for the other and slowly have come full circle.

I never doubted that Boxer wasn't meant to be here with me.  I believe everything happens for a reason and what I went through with Boxer was no different.  He taught me that it isn't healthy for me to get another pet without fully going through the grieving process.  Waiting until I find that peace and serenity after suffering such a loss before bringing new life into my heart.  I don't want to put or go through what I did with Boxer after losing Sparky.  It was too hard on him and too hard on me.  Learning that hard lesson I absorbed through my relationship with Boxer is one of many reasons we are waiting to get a new dog after losing Brut and Silver.  I have learned that for me, I need that space and grieving time in order to really come to some peace about the death of a pet. 

I do believe everything happens for a reason and looking back I was lead to Boxer.  And I am ever so grateful. 

Today's First Step

Being a stay-at-home dog mom, I don't have the structure of a job.  Nothing is set in stone and the dogs and I operate on a flexible schedule.

I don't know if it makes it better or worse after a dog dies to be home all the time.

All day is a constant reminder.  Every nook and cranny of the house holds some memory.  And with my every actions centered around the dogs, it becomes difficult to think of nothing else, but them.

It took me until 2pm to get out of my robe today.  Getting dressed seems like a big feat in between tears.  It seems to take a thousand steps to grasp the idea of getting up and putting on clothes.  But I did it.

The dogs help.  They tend to nudge me along.  They know when mommy gets dressed, it's time to go outside.  I've been struggling lately to go outside with them.  I'd rather curl up in a blanket and dream the world away.

The dogs have been in mourning as well.  Fiona seems to be taking Silver's death much harder than I would have thought.  We thought Zappa, being a Momma's Boy, would be having the harder time of the two of them.  Fiona practically slept on top of me last night and stays clinging to Mark and I.  Zappa acts more like a comforter for us and our tears.

I looked into Blaze's eyes today and burst into tears.  They are so close to the color of Silver's.

My second big step today...writing this down to post.  Mission accomplished.

I Never Thought I Would Grieve Over Dog Poop...

But I did.  I was cleaning up the backyard, when I noticed a pattern in the leaf piles where the dogs do their business.  Three of the leaf piles weren't being used and these three used to be busy spots for Fiona and Zappa (Back Dogs). And there were piles that had never been used now getting some attention.



There has been a definite shift since Brut has been gone almost a year.

I have leaf piles on the outer perimeter of the yard and Brut and Silver used the back part of the yard, while Zappa and Fiona took on the ones closer to the house.  Now the Back Dog Trio, Silver, Zappa and Fiona are all taking to the back of the yard ever since our last snowfall.

And I took it pretty hard.  It was another confirmation that Brut was really gone.

Since Brut died last year at the beginning of the summer nothing much changed.  We were all in shock, but as time has past, the Back Dogs, have been finding their place without their leader and it looks like they have come to terms with their new life as three.

Another sign of the times for the 24 Paws of Love.

How are you healing with your loss?

Dear Friends,
This is dedicated to those of you who have lost recent loved ones and your own healing/grieving process.  I have found that it is not a linear journey, but one that seems to be all over the map.

Here is a tid bit of how my healing process is going since losing Brut... 

Ever since Brut died 8 months ago, I have been reliving thoughts and feelings that were suppressed when we came to the point of calling the vet and putting Brut down.

When the vet was at our house that fateful day my entire being was on alert and I was living straight in the moment.  There were no tears, that was no sadness, it was an act of kindness that I understand, but don't understand and I could not take in any of the pain that was happening at that point.  I was just there for Brut and easing his suffering.  My mind was open, my heart half shut to what we were about to witness, when the needle went in.

About 6 months that Brut had been gone, I had a memory of this moment in time described above, that were what my thoughts were when said event was happening.

"I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die."

And I balled and sobbed and grieved at a new depth.  I could have never gone through with his death if these words had been fully open in my heart.  For this wasn't about me and what I wanted.  It was about Brut and what was best for him.

Then just recently hubby, Mark and I came down with flu-like symptoms, horribly sick and I had another memory.  This one was very clear, we'd just put Brut down, we weren't ready to bury him yet and Mark looked at me and said, "Do you feel the void?"  I slowly shook my head.  Brut's life was too fresh in my hands and heart.  But in this present day, my mind ran through that scenario again and I felt it like a ripping of a veil.  Sending me further into my grief and pain.  Two weeks before this, I was doing pretty good.  Now it feels like a huge band-aid was ripped off my heart and needs to heal all over again.

It a little scary to have these memories only to be tore up all over again, but I believe it is all part of God's love for me to help me heal as thoroughly and lovingly as possible.  He knows what I need and this must be what I've needed.

How do you feel your healing process and grief are going?   Does it feel healthy? Too fast?  Too slow?  

Brut Thursday-No one

a sad Christmas...

Hello Friends and Bloggers,

I've been working on our Christmas cards for the last couple of weeks.  I make my own photo cards and it has been especially heartbreaking pouring through photos of Brut.  Knowing that all we have of him in the digital world is what we will ever have of our boy, and that is very sad.  

There hasn't been much in the way of Christmas spirit.  We are just taking each day as it comes.  Dec. 18 will be Brut's six month anniversary of being gone.  While each month has been a marker, there is something about not seeing or touching or hearing Brut for half a year that has broken my heart more than when he first died.  This will be on top of the year anniversary that our duck, Luigi, died three days after Christmas.

If it wasn't for the rest of the dogs and cats, we wouldn't make it through this grieving process.  The highlights of my day is taking the dogs for a walk.  I struggled this past summer, so heavy with grief, that I didn't have the energy to take them out.  Hubby, Mark did most of it, until his hours at work caught up and now I'm doing most of the walking.  Some days it's the only time I smile and laugh for that day.

It's taking a lot to keep our heads above emotional waters.  When I was creating our photo Christmas card par Mark's idea I burst unexpectedly into tears.  Brut is on the card and this awesome idea happened when I put him in a certain spot. That's when it hit me how perfect the card is laid out.  That's all I will say about the picture, but it was pretty awesome!  It was like Brut was right there with me, guiding me.  And he was.

But then the more I looked at it something was missing, something more than just Brut.  I don't know I couldn't figure it out.  So I started playing with the design and it was an emotional upheaval.  When Mark saw the cards, he went through the same feelings.  I tried and tried to fix it, but it was hitting too close to home, so I ended up starting over from scratch.  It was all too much.  The new card is better.  It doesn't hurt as much as the one before.  Not sure what we'll do, we either one or do both, but we'll make a decision this weekend.

Say a prayer for us.  Thank you.

   

Prince Zappa

Each dog had a special relationship to Brut and that I would like to expand and memorize on in depth.  They are all grieving in their own way and it is beautiful and heartbreaking to watch them mourn their Daddy Dog Brut.  I am so grateful hubby, Mark and I don't have to go through this with just each other.  Instead we have an entire family of dogs to share in our pain and sadness while they share theirs with us.

I thought there would be a great upheaval in the pack's hierarchy when Brut died, especially with Zappa.  If anyone has pushed to be the new King all this time, it has been him.  He constantly was challenging Brut and crossing Brut's boundaries for what I thought would be his day of reckoning. And it didn't come.  Not even with Brut's death.  Then I thought Zappa would become unruly and obnoxious and plain out of control as he was when Brut was around. Yet after Brut died, the status has stayed the same.  Since it was Brut and I that ruled this kingdom together most of the time, maybe with Brut gone, Zappa accepted that I was still the leader and the only real beef he had was with Brut.  As a son has with his father and the clashes that come with those titles.  Maybe it was just a family affair between dogs and not so much wanting to be king.  Or maybe Zappa just tested his skills to prove himself to his dad that Zappa had what it took to be king too.  Or maybe it is the death and loss of his father that has taken that fight out of him.

If I had to guess, it is a combination of all of these as to why he has chosen to stay Prince Zappa.

And what a beautiful Prince he is.

  

Hubby says it best

Hubby's words say it best how we are feeling:

I am sitting in my truck taking a break, looking at my favorite picture of Brut that I keep in the truck. I knew when I woke up this morning what day it was.It was Thursday. Three weeks ago today we buried Daddy Dog Brut. God I can not believe he is gone. Yes, I know he is, but for three weeks now their is a part of me that is numb. I am having a hard time doing anything. I don't want to do anything but stay home with my family of dogs. Yes, i'm going to work, but I have to force myself to go.

Tell me we are not all connected

I knelt down slowly next to the hole in our little part of theEarth.  I was stunned by the depth and shocked at the thought of laying his body in it.  We laid some straw on the bottom and began to lower our little ducky into the grave, it was then that the howls came from the house.  All the dogs singing together for the burial of our little ducky, Luigi.  They had lost a member of the family too.


In rememberance of our ducky, Luigi, who died a last month.

How do I describe this moment?

Silver looked at me then looked away listening to Daddy singing his lullabies in the bedroom to Zappa and Fiona.  Our bedtime treat routine interrupted as she listened intently from the living room, lying on the couch next to me as if the song was for her and her alone.

I could feel the tears welling up immediately.  "Silver, I'm so sorry," I said as I gazed at midnight face.

If there was a dog I took for granted it was Silver.  She was so different from all the other dogs and it was hard to fit her in sometimes.  She tended to get lost in the shuffle.

It's the simple things

It had been a long couple of days.  A friend of ours had died at the beginning of the year and we helped with the cleaning out of the house.  It left me depleted and empty as his death was now more final.  I found myself angry with my life and life in general.  I was almost shaking I was so angry and disappointed.  I started talking to God and voiced my feelings, in a list, of what was bothering me the most.  I didn't get very far when Brut sat in front of me and stared into my eyes with a look that said, but you have me and you have the only Brut there is. 

And he was right.  I had the only Bruter on the planet right at my feet.  My awesome heart dog who understood my feelings when no one else did.

All he was asking in return was a little quality time together and preferably with treats. 

Simple tricks, touch, give me five, eye contact for saying his name.  Nothing fancy or rowdy fun, just simple time together.  We did them several times until bedtime.

That was all Brut needed.  And Brut was all I needed to remember life wasn't so bad because I had a Brut that no one else had and he was all mine.  Life doesn't get any better or more simpler than that.

Grieving Hearts Beat Alike

It was the last one.  He studied it while the garden associate came over.  He'd fallen in love with the three foot tree with the tropical red flowers.  Why not, he thought.  I can buy a plant for myself.

"This plant is so cool," he said to the associate.
"And it's marked down for our summer clearance," she replied.
"I'm buying it for myself, even though my wife will love it.  She has about 50 houseplants," he exaggerated.  "Well at least it feels that way," he laughed.  "She has plants all over the house.  What's one more?"

And with that he took his new friend, carefully placed it in the car to take it to it's new home.

*********************************************************************

Grumpy 2008-2012

For the past year she'd been contemplating an important decision.  Every so often she would scan the memorial garden in the side yard and try to picture what she could plant.  Her husband and her lost one of their pup from their litter, a little boy named Grumpy.  The owners had chose to put him down rather than give him back to 24 Paws.  And it still felt like an open wound.  Grumpy was her husband's favorite puppy and he was still hurting that he'd lost his special boy.  She wanted to plant something just as special.  Something that said Grumpy.  She always tried to plant something that bloomed around the the month of their death.  They didn't know exactly when Grumpy died, just a vague guess of late summer to early fall. 

She could only come up with two ideas for memorial plants for Grumpy.  One she didn't care for, as she had enough burning bushes and the other she was hesitant on.  It meant bringing the plant inside and the house was already full of large houseplants.  She wouldn't know where to put it.  So she was basically out of ideas.  

As summer started to close so did her hopes on finding the right plant for Grumpy.  

Maybe next year, she thought to herself. 

*******************************************************************

As her husband started to unpack the car, she noticed the red flower.  "Oh my gosh, you bought a Hibiscus!"  She exclaimed.

"Isn't it cool?  I thought I'd buy me a plant."  He grinned.

As she took it out and got the full sight of this exquisite plant, she felt a tingling at the top of her head.

"It's beautiful!  I can't believe you bought it."

As she re-potted the exotic plant and watched blooms open every day it, the tingling came back to her.  A Hibiscus.  A red Hibiscus.  She never told her husband that exact plant was her first choice for Grumpy's memorial plant (who wouldn't have known a Hibiscus from any other plant).  The plant that she would have to bring inside and make room for during the cold months that she didn't think was possible.  And yet here it was in her home symbolizing everything that Grumpy was.  Bold, beautiful and a pillar of strength.

The plant he bought for himself, was the one she wanted for Grumpy in the first place. 

  He brought our Grumpy home to rest.

Two hearts beating for one.

Rest in Peace Sweet Boy. 

Grumpy 4 weeks old

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

My sweet Angel

Jan. 2, 2008-Oct. 2012

It has been almost four months since I last touched and said good bye to Angel and it is hard to believe that time has kept moving on, despite how it might feel.  Whenever a dog dies that is close to me, a song will start playing through my head over and over and it becomes their song.  Angel's song is Bill Withers, Ain't No Sunshine.  Tonight after having to deal with some things I put on the back burner because of her death and finally catching up with them, her song started playing through my head.  And I just sat here, still numb that she is gone, forever.  And even though she's closer to my heart than ever before I'll never forget holding her the day when Silver plopped her in my hands when she gave birth to Angel.  And now I can only touch her spirit deep in my heart.  Forever is lost holding her in my hands again.  And my hands ache for her thick black fur.  And my eyes are sore for those dancing, mischievous eyes of hers that lit up anytime we were near.  A life taken much too soon.  A  life that will be forever missed.

Just once more I wish I could hold Angel again and share my love with her.

Do you have a song for pets that have passed on?

Something Wagging Challenge-Boxer

I could write out a long in depth post about what lead to taking on this challenge with my competitor in question, but simply put; I've had resentments towards Boxer because he isn't my former cat, Sparky and Boxer has resentments, well, because he is a cat!

THIS IS NOT A 'NORMAL' CAT
I was completely disillusioned by Sparky and two previous cats (all whom have passed on) who were mellow, affectionate, and cool as cucumbers and I thought all cats were that way.  Then I got Boxer and suddenly I was dealing with this wild, obnoxious cat who demanded my attention and didn't care how he got it.  And while I would like to blame his behavior on the dogs, he has always been this way.  More dogs just gives him more reasons to be ruthless.

Just let her try to sit down!!

MY LAP WAS OUR BATTLEGROUND
Every night the war would begin with this 16 pound cat, who according to the vet was not overweight, where we would have our battle of wills.  He would stand on my lap, I mean just stand there on my tired-end-of-the-day-legs like dead weight.    Then he would slowly turn around, doing his 'claw dance,' butt in my face all the while jerking and knocking me with head butts that had the force of a miniature ram.  I in turn would hide my arms behind my back, or try to get him to lay down, until my sensitive nerves couldn't take it anymore and I would push him off my lap.  Or I would try to pet him, hoping to calm him and it would only rile him up more.  I almost dreaded our nightly visit and these battles only fueled my angry feelings towards him more.

SPARKY NEVER ACTED LIKE THIS
And there was my struggle.  I'd missed my heart cat so much, I just couldn't accept that Boxer was nothing like him.  I hadn't even realized that I'd had built up these resentments towards Boxer because he wasn't Sparky.  A few months ago I became aware of how much these thoughts and feelings were hurting our relationship and that I needed to change the course we were taking. 

Look deep inside...or else

THE HEALING PROCESS BEGAN
I began by letting go of Sparky and focusing on Boxer.  I started practicing more patience and kindness with Boxer, but we were still struggling with his demands for affection. So when Pamela's Challenge came along, I seized the opportunity to improve our lap time by using simple "ignore and reward" technique.  When he was quiet on my lap and/or being gentle, I would pet him.  When he got too pushy, I hid my hands.  It was simple. And it worked.  Not only did our lap time improve, but our over all relationship took a dramatic turn. We are not having those large uproars on my lap every night.  Now, we are enjoying each others company and I am beginning to see Boxer for more of who he is, rather than who he is not.

I am sure I am not alone when grieving for another animal to misplace those hopes onto a new one.  Boxer was never going to be Sparky and I still missed Sparky more because of it.  Their personalities are almost bipolar to each other and it has been difficult letting go of that, not to mention that these differences created a situation with a type of cat, I'd never dealt with before.  It was frustrating because I have discovered I don't know cats like I do dogs and I didn't know what to do.

Pamela's challenge gave me a way to acknowledge what I started with Boxer and our healing process and helped me to focus on one aspect of our relationship-the time on my lap.  If I accomplish nothing else with Boxer except this, I have conquered everything.  Our evenings together are almost like heaven now and I'm finding myself falling in love with that little booger all over again.      

   

Yep!  I got her back.

I mean seriously, who can resist all this mancat savvy!!

A special thanks to Pamela and her Something Wagging Challenge that gave Boxer and I what we had been missing.  Our relationship.

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I Remember...

 I remember when Alex died, I was in a state of shock and relief for the first month.  When the tears hit, they didn't stop and will still surface.

The first morning he was gone, Brut (then 8 mos. old) was lying in Alex's spot in front of the sliding door.  And my heart stopped. 

I remember at roll call, almost calling out his name, every night.  To this day when rounding up the troops, Alex's name will still pop out. 

For months I would start to step over "Alex" and his spot. 

Every time I was out, I would rush home and think, "I hope Alex is OK," and then burst into tears.  

I can't tell you how many times I would be missing Alex and wished Brut was more like him. 

The silence and space was painful to get used to without Alex's booming voice and large presence. 

I remembering kneeling on his grave and burying my face in the dirt, sobbing that I didn't know how I was going to go on without him.  It was the closest I could get to him. 

And I remember Alex when I have been touched by others losses and grieve a little more for this wonderful, beautiful dog who graced my life in so many ways.

Always Alex....