Five Years Ago Today~ Brut's Anniversary

I still feel empty
Yet I am full for knowing you
Sometimes you feel like a a figment of my imagination
Other times I feel you right by my side.

The sadness of your loss
still breaks me down in tears
Yet the joy you brought fills my soul.

The memories of you pierce deep in my heart
Yet there are days I can't remember more than your name
Time has played funny tricks with my mind
Always feeling like I am leaving you behind

Remembering the day you came into my life
and the day you left

There is no other soul in this world like yours
It has always been a honor and a privilege to have you part of my life
And the soul reason your memory lives on in your kids.

Every day or every hour
you are still with me.

Love you forever, Brut

my canine twin

Brut's roses-Three years later

It has been three years ago today that we buried Brut.

I have no idea what to say after three years of missing him.

This is Brut's rose this spring.

I practically baked it.

I covered it with a plastic barrel over the winter and forget to remove it in the spring.

We had an early spring, so it threw me off guard.

I just wasn't paying attention to the weather.

I thought it was a goner for sure.

Afraid that the rose we buried him with wasn't coming back.

And just as much as I feared the loss, I told my husband, "It'll come back.  It's Brut!"

And he did.

This is today.  In fact Brut's rose is thriving!

It was a long couple of months of not knowing if it would come back.

Or if the rose that was infused with Brut was going to have to be replaced.

And I think that would have been difficult on us.

Three years and counting.

Brut's rose is still going strong.

TGIF!

Oh, how I love my dogs!  Just as it seems my world is full of gloom and doom, they are right there trying to cheer me up and giving me another reason to carrying on. 

It's been a long week for us here at the 24 Paws of Love, so how about ending the week with some fuzzy puppy pictures! 

 Have a good weekend!

Blaze chewing on Daddy Mark's boot.  Nom! Nom!

Sweet Daddy Brut getting a break from the kids while napping on their blanket.

Zappa (l) and Blaze (r) playing with the boot.

One of Chance's brothers, working on the boot!

"T-bone" (l) and Blaze (r) with their own toys.

Momma dog Silver on the run trying to save her teats!

Brut Thursday-The Fight Within

Brut Thursday, a day late, but not forgotten.

I was thinking about Brut today.  My husband, Mark and I were a little huffy with one another and I my boy came to mind.

Nobody really understood Brut's anger issues.  I don't even think Mark could fully comprehend them, but I got it.  It made total sense to me once I discovered his puppy hood before us.  I knew what it was like to be betrayed and to fight for yourself by yourself.  From a depth that is scarring and sacred, you hold on to survive with that last breath.  Because it is all you have.  It becomes all you know as the fear swells in you, fighting to destroy everything you have, your heart and soul.  You become the fight you feared to save them.  Only to find you are killing yourself in the process. So you thrash harder not understanding why it hurts so.  But it is the only way you know.

I don't know how Brut and I ever picked apart all those needles in our gut, but we did it together.  I don't know that either of us "healed" right but learned in each other that we were not alone in our fight.  In fact Brut taught me how to fight and stand up for myself turning that turmoil inside out.

Brut had a way of calming me because I was understood.  Something I hadn't found in my journey until him.  I witnessed first hand the "home" life he had before me.  Vicious.  Daunting.  Many angry dogs all living on survival mode.  Scary.  It was no wonder Brut scared the crap out of me from a young puppy.  The boy was crazy with fear.  And hurting so deep.  Was it any wonder we bonded so deeply?

To say I was blessed with Brut is an understatement.  I don't know that there is a word for it that would do our relationship justice.  I miss my boy every day.  If I didn't know his spirit is right there for me, I don't know what I would do.  Connecting with Brut is my strength.  Knowing and healing with him brings me right back here.  To this blog to share my story of the greatest dog I have ever known.

 

Losing Silver

I'm not sure how I'm feeling, but I will try to explain the best I can.

It has been 4 days since Silver has been gone.  It feels like it has been an eternity.

I feel her spirit here and yet I can feel her in the grave.

Losing Brut was like a hole blown through my gut.  Losing Silver has been like a cold wind blowing through my body.

I am feeling and yet I am numb to the loss.

So many things I wish to understand, yet it all makes sense.

She was not well those last few days.  The cancer had taken over.  Yet she remained fairly alert and alive.  It was still a tough decision.

On Silver's last trip outside, Zappa and Fiona came over to their mother and each nosed her.

Her last few hours she lead the Howling Chorus in a song.  Everyone joined in.  I was finally able to capture it on film.

And when it came her time, the dogs sang their goodbye to Silver.  It was beautiful.

It feels like a legacy is over. The foundation of which the 24 Paws of Love were built on are gone.  It is still hard to comprehend Momma Dog Silver and Daddy Dog Brut are gone.  Yet, somehow it still feels like a beginning.  The beginning of something beautiful that will carry their legacy on because we will always be the 24 Paws of Love.

Happy 9th Birthday to our little puppies!

They will always be our puppies.

No matter how old they get.

I can not believe they are turning 9 years old today!

Time has really flown.

Seems  like it was just yesterday they were all running around the house and yard and it was all just puppy crazy around here.

Like this... 

(watch on YouTube here)

And now they are in their second year of being seniors.

Can it really be possible?

Happy Birthday to our little forever puppies...

Zappa, Fiona, Chance, Blaze, Red, Rocket, Grumpy, Angel, V-girl and Jack

Brut Thursday-New Growth and Spiritual Blessings

We were just going into beginning of spring when Brut got sick.  I was already a bit neglectful of my plants, taking care of Brut, but I didn't realize how far behind I'd gotten in my plant duties until after he died in June.  

And then that's when I saw it...a new growth on my biggest and most favorite plant, Dracena fragrans.  A new sprout coming right out of the top that was not part of the oringial growth.  See, my plants went through a bit of a drought and the top was dried out.  I was so afraid I was going to lose the plant, but a miracle happened, after my heart-and-soul dog died, a new sprout appeared and started to grow.

Grief is powerful.  It can break you down in ways you never thought possible because I'd done it again, neglecting my plants and the same thing happened.  It dried out and didn't have any new growth on it until last month when this new sprout began.  At the same time that I had this memory of Brut's death, when I felt like I cried forever.  Yet here in the quiet of God's spirit new life was beginning symbolizing my grief and spiritual growth.

This plant is so special to me I named it King (before I had Brut) and it is the only one of my houseplants that has a name.  'He' (yes, I call it a he) rules all the houseplants. And Brut my heart dog was also called the King and was ruler of the dogs and our hearts.  Amazing to me how the spiritual world works and the connections that are and can be made between love of two living beings.

  

How are you healing with your loss?

Dear Friends,
This is dedicated to those of you who have lost recent loved ones and your own healing/grieving process.  I have found that it is not a linear journey, but one that seems to be all over the map.

Here is a tid bit of how my healing process is going since losing Brut... 

Ever since Brut died 8 months ago, I have been reliving thoughts and feelings that were suppressed when we came to the point of calling the vet and putting Brut down.

When the vet was at our house that fateful day my entire being was on alert and I was living straight in the moment.  There were no tears, that was no sadness, it was an act of kindness that I understand, but don't understand and I could not take in any of the pain that was happening at that point.  I was just there for Brut and easing his suffering.  My mind was open, my heart half shut to what we were about to witness, when the needle went in.

About 6 months that Brut had been gone, I had a memory of this moment in time described above, that were what my thoughts were when said event was happening.

"I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die."

And I balled and sobbed and grieved at a new depth.  I could have never gone through with his death if these words had been fully open in my heart.  For this wasn't about me and what I wanted.  It was about Brut and what was best for him.

Then just recently hubby, Mark and I came down with flu-like symptoms, horribly sick and I had another memory.  This one was very clear, we'd just put Brut down, we weren't ready to bury him yet and Mark looked at me and said, "Do you feel the void?"  I slowly shook my head.  Brut's life was too fresh in my hands and heart.  But in this present day, my mind ran through that scenario again and I felt it like a ripping of a veil.  Sending me further into my grief and pain.  Two weeks before this, I was doing pretty good.  Now it feels like a huge band-aid was ripped off my heart and needs to heal all over again.

It a little scary to have these memories only to be tore up all over again, but I believe it is all part of God's love for me to help me heal as thoroughly and lovingly as possible.  He knows what I need and this must be what I've needed.

How do you feel your healing process and grief are going?   Does it feel healthy? Too fast?  Too slow?  

Brut Thursday- The Snow King

The night was still and quiet.  Not a sound could be heard but our own.  The bitter cold air seem to freeze our breath in front of us and the snow beneath us was crystallized.

The snow piles Brut and I sat on were the result of raking the deep snow off the garage roof.  I had to knock them down for fear of one of the dogs getting on the garage roof, they were that high.

It seemed as if the world had just stopped moving that frigid night.  Brut sat erect and elongated listening for the faintest sound.  Ears slowly moving with bat radar this way and that.  The rest of the dogs had gone in, but not Brut, my winter die hard, he climbed the top the snow pile and smiled.  He was in his element.  We both were and I climbed to the top to sit next to him.

I carefully followed the ears and head of this magnificent snow beast.   Keeping a  close eye of that little twitch of alertness when he connected with a resonance.  I shifted my eyes to his line of sight and turned my head with his.  And we sat that way for some time.  Syncing in alignment we were mindful of each other and the world around us.  So simple and true we sat close together, his bristled fur just whispering across my jacket.  This was us, the two snow dogs of the household that left me with a memory as clear as the stars that chilly night and a friend that lays in my heart, forever.

   

Brut Thursday-Zappa style

Thursday is the day that Brut died so I've decided to honor him by picking Thursday  to be "Brut Day."  Where I'll share a memory, thought, video, picture or something that is Brut related. Hope you enjoy these simple dedications to my Bruter boy.

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Do you ever wonder what your dog looks like and might be doing in heaven?

Sometimes I picture Brut like a cartoon character who can stand up and talk.  While other times I see him as a more wild and primitive creature. I'm not really sure what he may look like but it is more of a feeling since he was so in tune with the Earth and wind around him.  

Last night I was writing about Blaze and this awesome walk we took where she lead me and I followed her just like Brut used to do.  Thru the woods hot on the trail of several deer scents.  It was such a freeing experience.

So as I'm scribbling these words down to share our adventure, I start to hear Frank Zappa music in my head with Brut there in cartoon form. Which isn't strange because they could be together in heaven. ( though I'm sure many wouldn't think that Frank Zappa wouldn't have made it that far, lol)  As I'm realizing the coincidence of Frank's music bumping around in my head and our dog that is name after him, I feel Brut smiling down on me.  It was like our worlds all came togetherfor that moment.  It was very cool.  

Active imagination or spiritual connection?

Who cares ---it was awesome!

  

Ever experience something like that?  

a sad Christmas...

Hello Friends and Bloggers,

I've been working on our Christmas cards for the last couple of weeks.  I make my own photo cards and it has been especially heartbreaking pouring through photos of Brut.  Knowing that all we have of him in the digital world is what we will ever have of our boy, and that is very sad.  

There hasn't been much in the way of Christmas spirit.  We are just taking each day as it comes.  Dec. 18 will be Brut's six month anniversary of being gone.  While each month has been a marker, there is something about not seeing or touching or hearing Brut for half a year that has broken my heart more than when he first died.  This will be on top of the year anniversary that our duck, Luigi, died three days after Christmas.

If it wasn't for the rest of the dogs and cats, we wouldn't make it through this grieving process.  The highlights of my day is taking the dogs for a walk.  I struggled this past summer, so heavy with grief, that I didn't have the energy to take them out.  Hubby, Mark did most of it, until his hours at work caught up and now I'm doing most of the walking.  Some days it's the only time I smile and laugh for that day.

It's taking a lot to keep our heads above emotional waters.  When I was creating our photo Christmas card par Mark's idea I burst unexpectedly into tears.  Brut is on the card and this awesome idea happened when I put him in a certain spot. That's when it hit me how perfect the card is laid out.  That's all I will say about the picture, but it was pretty awesome!  It was like Brut was right there with me, guiding me.  And he was.

But then the more I looked at it something was missing, something more than just Brut.  I don't know I couldn't figure it out.  So I started playing with the design and it was an emotional upheaval.  When Mark saw the cards, he went through the same feelings.  I tried and tried to fix it, but it was hitting too close to home, so I ended up starting over from scratch.  It was all too much.  The new card is better.  It doesn't hurt as much as the one before.  Not sure what we'll do, we either one or do both, but we'll make a decision this weekend.

Say a prayer for us.  Thank you.

   

Sleep Tight Bruter Boy

I covered up Brut's roses today.   The gesture only took a couple of minutes, but it felt like it sucked the life out of me.  My heart dropped to my stomach and I haven't felt right since.  Another turn of the season without my Brut and another about to begin. I swear nothing will ever feel right again.

Brut Possession

I never knew what a hold Brut had on this family until he was gone.  Or I should say, I didn't know how strong it was until he let go.  Brut was possessive by nature.  It was just part of his character and loyality that couldn't be matched.  For he held each one of us in his capture and returned it with his devotion to each and every person and dog in this home.  Brut was the mortar that held the bricks and was the foundation of everything we stand for, love.  Pure unconditional love.  While fierce at times, his passion ran deep and he never stopped loving us.  All of us.  With all the pleasure and pain that love brings with it.  He taught that for every rose, there is a stem of thorns to accompany it.  I may not know what tomorrow brings, but Brut's love does.  It is always and forever, burning deep in my mind and heart.

For you Bruter boy.
I love you.

(6/23/2015)

  MINE!

Prince Zappa

Each dog had a special relationship to Brut and that I would like to expand and memorize on in depth.  They are all grieving in their own way and it is beautiful and heartbreaking to watch them mourn their Daddy Dog Brut.  I am so grateful hubby, Mark and I don't have to go through this with just each other.  Instead we have an entire family of dogs to share in our pain and sadness while they share theirs with us.

I thought there would be a great upheaval in the pack's hierarchy when Brut died, especially with Zappa.  If anyone has pushed to be the new King all this time, it has been him.  He constantly was challenging Brut and crossing Brut's boundaries for what I thought would be his day of reckoning. And it didn't come.  Not even with Brut's death.  Then I thought Zappa would become unruly and obnoxious and plain out of control as he was when Brut was around. Yet after Brut died, the status has stayed the same.  Since it was Brut and I that ruled this kingdom together most of the time, maybe with Brut gone, Zappa accepted that I was still the leader and the only real beef he had was with Brut.  As a son has with his father and the clashes that come with those titles.  Maybe it was just a family affair between dogs and not so much wanting to be king.  Or maybe Zappa just tested his skills to prove himself to his dad that Zappa had what it took to be king too.  Or maybe it is the death and loss of his father that has taken that fight out of him.

If I had to guess, it is a combination of all of these as to why he has chosen to stay Prince Zappa.

And what a beautiful Prince he is.

  

Hubby says it best

Hubby's words say it best how we are feeling:

I am sitting in my truck taking a break, looking at my favorite picture of Brut that I keep in the truck. I knew when I woke up this morning what day it was.It was Thursday. Three weeks ago today we buried Daddy Dog Brut. God I can not believe he is gone. Yes, I know he is, but for three weeks now their is a part of me that is numb. I am having a hard time doing anything. I don't want to do anything but stay home with my family of dogs. Yes, i'm going to work, but I have to force myself to go.

The Roses

We planted a reddish-hot pinkish rose bush in Brut's grave.  It spices up our little memorial garden as the other plants there have already bloomed.  Leave it to Brut to take center stage.  ☺

It was hubby's idea for the roses.  I hadn't a clue as to what to plant.  Roses fit much of Brut's characteristics.  Beautiful, fragrant and thorny.  A fitting flower for a King.

I bawled all day the day hubby picked up the roses, not knowing if I could go through putting the roses in his grave.  So final.  A completion.  But when the time came, I was OK.

We planted the rose bush on July 4, in the evening, about the time of Brut's burial.  It seemed fitting.

And the roses are beautiful.  Full of buds and as I said is the center of our memorial garden.  It adds so much color and vigor to an otherwise green background. The flowers are a loose petal rose that when they open the petals look like they are going every which way.  They are majestic as an opening bud and have a delicate sadness as the petals tend to weep when they are fully open.  It is like watching a subtle dance of Brut's life.

A while I'd rather have my Brut back then the roses, the roses represent Brut quite well.  I don't think hubby could have found a better match.

They are perfect.

    
(please forgive my lack of photography skills as there is a saturation of red that I don't know how to fix.)

Brut: Oct. 11 2006- June 18, 2015

Until we meet again...

Daddy Dog Brut passed away in our arms last Thursday night.  He was laid to rest next to Alex and across from Luigi (our duck).
We made cast of his paw prints and snipped the tip of his tail.
Heaven has a new warrior in town.  :)

Who's Top Dog? Zappa's Revenge

Studying and observing dog behavior is fascinating.  I can never get enough of it.

For those of you who have felt bad for Zappa getting the brunt of Brut,

let me ease your mind.

Zappa rules the living room for the most part and when Brut walks in Zappa lets him know it!

Zappa tenses up, Brut is coming...

Brut "My Rock"

The Dog you have all been waiting for...

This was filmed on Brut's Gotcha Day of Nov. 22. (7 years)

I talk like a mouse so may want to turn up the volume.  (EH?)

Still working on my camera voice.

 

Video not working?  Watch on YouTube


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NOTE**  Luigi (the duck) was sporting a wet feather mustache stuck to his nostril.  Ducks don't slobber or have snot.  But it did make for a good laugh!

What does Brut think about his kids?

I wonder what Brut thinks of his kids?  I wonder what thoughts run through his mind when he sees and interacts with them.

Does he see any of his qualities or traits?

Does he see the possibilities in each of them?

And what he needs them to be as part of pack?

He shows both affection and discipline that he is not afraid to use.  Sometimes it is harsh and other times it is with just a look of his eyes.

I have watched both Brut and Silver shape and mold Fiona and Zappa as they have evolved and grown over the years, yet I can't tell you one thought that crosses their mind between their blood relationships.

I can examine their body language and actions but this only tells me of their behaviors.  What does Brut think of his personal relationships with his son and daughter?  I don't think it's any less than what any parent thinks of their child, I just think it is different.  It can't be based on a human scale.  It is something that that only a dog would know and understand.

But wouldn't it be so cool to understand it?  And to really cross that barrier and grasp that line of thinking?

Like what Silver was thinking as she watched her eight puppies leave out of her care and never come back   again.  There had to be some powerful communication to each of them, that we'll never know.

Or what she thinks about Chance and Blaze coming back?  Does she still know they are her children and what does she think about them and her relationship to them?

I do believe they all know they are related, but it is at a higher level of communication.  I also believe there is a great understanding in the separation and they all know that things have changed.

Always just curious to get inside the mind of a dog.