My Heart Journey

 The other day I saw a post on FB for a rescue dog that was ready for a home.  It was a Husky, of course, female about 8 months old.  Just for the hell of it I went on the rescue website that was for Huskies.  I forget the name of it, but I found myself reading the articles they had on how to bring a new rescue home and the steps to take, things to do or not do in order for a successful start.  I was very impressed with this information the rescue group offered, so much so that I bookmarked the page.  I was feeling some peace.  Just letting my mind stay open and following my heart.  Then I looked at the dog page, just to look.  I wasn't picking out a dog or having any inklings of doing so, I just thumbed through the pages.  It was a nice feeling.  No commitments.  No pressure.  No desire.  Other than to just let my heart explore the possibilities.  My heart, you know, the one with a wall around it trying to keep my three in there.  The one with all the pain and sadness.  The one that hurts so much I don't know if I want to live sometimes.  Yeah, that one.  So when I ended my journey with peace in my heart, I thought, "Maybe this isn't the end."  Maybe it is the start to a new beginning.  Maybe when the right dog comes along, I'll be able to embrace on a new heart journey.  Just saying.  💗

How are you healing with your loss?

Dear Friends,
This is dedicated to those of you who have lost recent loved ones and your own healing/grieving process.  I have found that it is not a linear journey, but one that seems to be all over the map.

Here is a tid bit of how my healing process is going since losing Brut... 

Ever since Brut died 8 months ago, I have been reliving thoughts and feelings that were suppressed when we came to the point of calling the vet and putting Brut down.

When the vet was at our house that fateful day my entire being was on alert and I was living straight in the moment.  There were no tears, that was no sadness, it was an act of kindness that I understand, but don't understand and I could not take in any of the pain that was happening at that point.  I was just there for Brut and easing his suffering.  My mind was open, my heart half shut to what we were about to witness, when the needle went in.

About 6 months that Brut had been gone, I had a memory of this moment in time described above, that were what my thoughts were when said event was happening.

"I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die.  I don't want you to die."

And I balled and sobbed and grieved at a new depth.  I could have never gone through with his death if these words had been fully open in my heart.  For this wasn't about me and what I wanted.  It was about Brut and what was best for him.

Then just recently hubby, Mark and I came down with flu-like symptoms, horribly sick and I had another memory.  This one was very clear, we'd just put Brut down, we weren't ready to bury him yet and Mark looked at me and said, "Do you feel the void?"  I slowly shook my head.  Brut's life was too fresh in my hands and heart.  But in this present day, my mind ran through that scenario again and I felt it like a ripping of a veil.  Sending me further into my grief and pain.  Two weeks before this, I was doing pretty good.  Now it feels like a huge band-aid was ripped off my heart and needs to heal all over again.

It a little scary to have these memories only to be tore up all over again, but I believe it is all part of God's love for me to help me heal as thoroughly and lovingly as possible.  He knows what I need and this must be what I've needed.

How do you feel your healing process and grief are going?   Does it feel healthy? Too fast?  Too slow?  

Following Your Heart

 Silver and her pups.

Jan. 2, 2008

It might surprise you that I wasn't 100% on board with my husband, Mark and having puppies.  I'd been part of the dog world for some time and Mark met me with pure innocence when it came to dogs and other pets.  It was natural in his world for dogs to reproduce, which truly by all of nature's laws, it is.  He couldn't imagine anyone not loving or wanting a dog as he pined most of his life to have a furry friend.  And it never crossed his mind that anyone could be cruel or unloving to a puppy and that every puppy would find a loving home. 

But I'd grown up in a different world.  Spaying and neutering were the natural way for me.  Irresponsible breeders created a constant flow of unwanted pets that were being put to their deaths in shelters all around the country.  Unspeakable acts of cruelty and violence against dogs and cats were going unpunished.  I learned early that the world was harsh when it came to animals and those thoughts hadn't seem to change any when Mark wanted to breed Silver.

It was almost a 50/50 split for me when it came to breeding Silver.  My feelings were still strongly tied to the knowledge I had learned over the years.  While embracing this young innocence of Mark and the hope that could aspire from it.  When it came time to breed Brut and Silver I had an inner peace that we were doing the right thing.  Once Silver was pregnant, I didn't have time to think about all those laws and statutes I was breaking.  There were tiny lives depending on me and what guilt I did have seem to slowly fade away.

 

Then those ten miracles of life were born.  And it didn't take long for the fear of a new dog mom to feeling the normal fear and anxieties that come with new life.  It wasn't much longer than that the fears of all I knew made me part of my own reality.  Suddenly I was the "breeder" with ten puppies, whom I did not trust to anyone, but knowing that I couldn't keep them all.  They could end up in shelters or dead.  Suddenly I was the cause to the dog overpopulation.  And the reason some may not get spayed or neuter.  They were harsh terms that I took literally.  There was the fear of not finding homes for them all of them and the fear of having to keep the ones that were left.  Suddenly, I was exactly what I read and heard about all my life.

I will never get over the miracle of Chance and Blaze coming back.  Being returned to us as a total surrender.  That the owners thought that much or at least gave us a thought to bring them home, must say something.  Because it was the miracle of these two dogs that I sit here today and write this.  Were we just lucky?  I don't think so.  For it was just this morning that Chance and Blaze literally woke me up out a bad dream that was about to get worse.  Another example of them being part of our lives.  And that there is purpose and reason as to why we are divided into two packs.  I've heard them sing together several times throughout the day in accordance to what I am doing.  I saw Fiona playbow to Chance from across the fence line when Chance and Blaze were playing.  That was exciting!

No one can tell me that those puppies weren't meant to be.  Even when Angel and Grumpy died.  No one can say I did the "wrong" thing or that I did it for my own selfish pleasures or gain.  I've always done everything in my life for the dogs.  And if there is anything I learned out of that harsh reality of thoughts I grew to live by, trusting my dogs has always saved my life.  Every. Time.

Haven't you ever felt that deep inner desire to do what your heart and gut says is right, despite what others think or the world's standards?

 Just who says I can't be here??

      

   

A Healing Journey

 If I'm alright with myself, then I'm alright with everyone else

If I'm not OK with me, then I can find fault with everyone

                            ~Tom W.

For as long as I can remember I've never wanted to be me.  I wanted to be someone else, anyone but who I was.  For years and years I was taught I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or worthy of love.  It has been a very slow and painful journey to grasps the straws like self worth and self love that hold the keys to my self-acceptance.  

My struggle with my self worth and love transfer to my dogs as well.  A friend sent me a video about a female lab gently communicating with a very young boy with Down Syndrome.  You can see video HERE.  The last message on the video was God Doesn't Make Mistakes.  And I cried.  Not only for myself but for my dogs as well.  They could never be that dog who was so tender and understanding with this boy.  Logically I know that they are not meant to be that dog, but in those moments I wish they could.  

And so because of my own infliction I instantly discredited myself , our dogs and our entire relationship because we are different.  And it is in this inner conflict where I gain my strength from the dogs that I have the right to be who I am, just as I was designed at the core of me.

For as much as I may wish Brut or Zappa or any of them to be like so-and-so they have taught me at a depth that no one else could teach me about self value and worth.  For they are the very essence of being true to their being and being who they are.  It has taken all of their flaws to keep holding that chord that I am not perfect (another one of my character defects), but that I can make mistakes and still be worthy of their love and mine.

For it is in those moments when our true self arises, whether it is with one dog or all six that they show me again and again, I am worth it.  And since I believe every relationship with my dogs whether in part or as a whole is a two way street, then I must have shown them that they are worth it too as we reflect this worth back and forth between us.  

And so the journey continues.  Deep in the paws of love and the eyes that reflect my soul.  For I need no mirror, just need to look deeply into their pools of love to open my heart to my own.

  What do you mean we're not perfect?

Half Heart Paw Art