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Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Monday, July 18, 2016

Catching Up

Not sure what I'm really feeling except I am missing Brut.  I have a longing to see him after watching videos from last summer after his death and how we were coping.  And it all seemed so empty and raw.  He is all I think about everyday and every night.  If I am not thinking directly about him, I am thinking of the changes that are occurring every day without him here.  Or because of him.  That boy has a total hold on me.

We were at the vet's last week, having some x-rays done for Fiona.  Nothing serious, we've just added a yearly x-ray to our check up list since losing Brut.  There were about 3 or 4 puppies there for shots and check ups.  They ranged from 8-10 weeks old and I really didn't feel a thing.  Nothing.  I wasn't drawn to them at all.  No tugging at my heartstrings. It was strange.  But not really because I couldn't imagine starting over with new life.  They were cute, but I've known for a long time I'm not ready for the care and commitment it would take bringing any new animal into our lives.  For the most part I am OK with that.  Though every once in a while I wish I could push it along and make it all go faster so I could move on, because then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

It hasn't helped that we have been to the vet for a couple of scares and more times than we've ever been since about March.  Silver must have ate something (no idea what) that gave her bloody diarrhea and vomit.  That was our first scare, we didn't know what in the world was going on.  Talk about shaking.  She finally got better, but we weren't done with her yet.  She developed golf ball size anal glands due to being sick and we took her in as an emergency.  That was scary as well. Thank God they didn't rupture!

Then Chance ripped off his toenail, the full nail and we had to take him in to have it ripped off.  He was also back for a bladder infection that finally cleared up.  Now he might possibly have another one.   GEEZ!

Then if all that wasn't bad enough Fiona lost 3 pounds in two months, was
drinking a ton of water and her fur was falling out.  Turns out all the dogs were losing weight since Brut died as I had them on a lessor amount of food due to shorter walks and less playtime.  (they just don't play and chase each other like they used too.) And what is strange is that they have been on this same amount for the last five years and it took Brut dying for them to lose weight on this same amount.  So it has been taking some time to get them back where they need to be.  Fiona was the worst case followed by the rest, Zappa being the closest to normal.

I still don't understand it.  Was the hold Brut had that great?  Things I will never know about how a pack really operates.  How blinding grief can be.  And how it took Fiona to be in the worse shape she's ever been to get everyone back on track.  Fitting that she is the new alpha.  

So we are still are recovering from the loss of Brut.  One day at a time.  In our own ways, but always together.  The 24 Paws of Love way.

Until next time,
Love and Pawprints

Patty and the Paws


How Sam Sees It said...

It's so hard to lose a family member. Keep looking forward, and think of Brut with happy thoughts.

Have you ever thought of doing a sport with your pups? I know they pull a sled, but rally, agility or barn hunting might be fun and could be a positive change you all need?

Monty, Harlow and Ramble

The Daily Pip said...

I don't know that we ever really get over this kind of loss - it's like losing part of our heart. Hugs.

White Dog Blog said...

The loss is always there and grief has its own timetable for healnig to occur. Know that the entire pack looks to you and takes its cue from you, your mood and your reactions to things. Remember that they too are confused about the changes and are grieving. Always together is how it must be. Sending love and healing thoughts of happy times with your boy.