Today marks Chance's three week anniversary. This was written a week after his death and about Fiona after we buried Chance. This was one of the hardest post I've had to write. May they rest in peace.
It has been a week today that we buried Chance. He was alive until 2:45pm, then we did our burial ritual and he was buried. It is also one week since Fiona had her first episode of not being able to walk. The harness was fresh off of Chance and onto Fiona. Scared the crap out of both of us. We thought it was a bad sign and a horrible message. Then she was fine the next day. Was going to take the harness off that day, but decided to wait..."just in case." She ate on Friday morning. Good sign. Then somewhere it changed to she couldn't walk anymore. Her eyes were darting back and forth, she was shaking and when we tried to move her, awful sounds of pain came from her. She fought and struggle, we thought we were hurting her with the harness. So we switch to the blanket and took her out to make her pee by hand. She was in sheer terror from the move. Really no urine, she hadn't drank all day, so we took her back in the house and into bedroom. More terror. More pain. Eyes darting fast. Some how in that state of mind she rested, or at least stopped moving and closed her eyes. I stayed up all night with her, except going out in the living room a couple of times and going outside with Zappa once. Mark knew it was the end. The pain was horrifying. And if nothing else confirmed it, moving her into the van to go to the vet did. Her whole world was spinning. Her body was in constant motion. There was no stopping this.
Discussed with our vet what was going on. She said it was vestibular disease (old dog syndrome) having to do with deep in the inner ear. Mark thinks it was brought on by a mini-stroke. Loss of balance, everything spinning, nausea, serious head tilt and eyes that dart side to side. Our vet said it was like Fiona was on a merry-go-round that she couldn't get off. Whatever it was and whatever caused it, was one of the worst things I have seen. Fiona was suffering. We had to make it stop. Recovery was very, very slim with her liver condition. And so, we put her down that Saturday after this short onset on symptoms that took over her body. And she was set free, from all of it. Running and playing with Chance and Blaze. I saw her. She was happy.
Today I cried for that girl I miss and what happened. That it wasn't enough that we loss Chance, but had to lose Fiona too and it doesn't make any sense. I don't understand. But then I think I do. I just don't know for sure, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. My sweet girl was doing so well. I was looking forward to the extra time together, now that Chance was gone. And didn't even get that. So fast. So quick. She was gone. Never to hold her again.
Today as I sat out front, Mark and Zappa going to grab dinner, I saw Blaze, sitting in front of me. I hadn't forgotten, I hadn't had the time. But she was there to comfort me. And I could see and feel my little Sweet Pea. Life is so unfair and must move on, but it will never stop me from loving all of you no matter where we go. I will always take you with me. And you will always be here. I love you. I love you. I love you. Now and forever. Forever and always Amen.
I am so very sorry. Those of us who love our babies know the pain you both are feeling. It is never easy...and I guess it shouldn't be. Not if there is true love. When we choose to love someone we put ourselves at risk. But it is so worth it. I know you are hurting and I'm praying for your comfort during this time of loss.
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