It is so hard to come here and blog. I'm forcing myself because I need to write and writing is therapeutic for me. I need to share my feelings or I isolate. And who understands better about the loss of a dog than our dog loving readers.
Today marks 11 months since we buried Brut. I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but there are days when the tears are so fresh, it is like losing him all over again. The last two days the weather has finally broke (hopefully for good) and I was sitting outside on my little bench in the same place Brut laid every day for those last couple of months. I said 'Good Morning' to God, then to Brut and I cried unexpectedly.
There is still a huge void where Brut once was. I do believe his spirit is alive and well and I talk to him all the time. It's a new adventure for our relationship, except I miss being able to ruffle his fur and look deep into his eyes. I miss laying next to him on the bed looking out the window where only he could calm that inner tremor in me.
I miss Brut patrolling the yard and noticed that even after only a couple of months of him being gone, his paths have been growing over and now are almost gone. Brut trodden those paths religiously keeping all evil out. He was such a great protector of his family.
Zappa is feeling the hurt as well. I make a poor subsitute for Brut as a squirrel chaser. Those two would race around the sheds and try to flush out the chipmunks and squirrels and it took a lot for them to give up. God, how I miss watching them two play together.
There have been more than a few times that depending the angle or my perspective or lighting when Zappa will look like Brut. It only happens for a split second or two making my heart skip a beat.
And I can't believe I've lived almost a whole year without my Bruter Boy. I never thought I could live without him in my life connected to my mind and soul. Thank goodness for the unconditional love of a dog. We will always together in spirit.
For all of you who have lost a dog a heartfelt hug goes out to you.
Current blog look inspired by, dedicated to, and in memory of Brut. The studded star of the 24 Paws of Love.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Watch here or on YouTube
So the video may not seem like much, but if you've been a long time reader you know how exciting this is. It has been a long time coming to try and blend the two dog packs. Here is our first meeting. They were pretty scared that first time, but were relaxed and happy the second time.
As you might have noticed I'm not spending a lot of time on Zappa's entrance, just trying to keep him from being out of control. I just want to get to the 'meeting' between the two of them and I'll work backwards from there.
Zappa being Zappa is the mouthy one of the two. He did pretty good for the most part. The fact that nobody is holding the leashes while Chance and Zappa 'hang out' helps to keep any emotions that may be coming down the leash and making them more reactive.
I actually can't believe how much they calmed down once they found they couldn't get to each other. Just like that their squabble was over.
Other than just getting them together, I'm trying to show them that I do not favor one over the other and that they are equal to me. My reasons for eating and sharing the pear with both of them.
I think I'm on to something. :)
Now where to take it from here.....hmmm
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
But I did. I was cleaning up the backyard, when I noticed a pattern in the leaf piles where the dogs do their business. Three of the leaf piles weren't being used and these three used to be busy spots for Fiona and Zappa (Back Dogs). And there were piles that had never been used now getting some attention.
There has been a definite shift since Brut has been gone almost a year.
I have leaf piles on the outer perimeter of the yard and Brut and Silver used the back part of the yard, while Zappa and Fiona took on the ones closer to the house. Now the Back Dog Trio, Silver, Zappa and Fiona are all taking to the back of the yard ever since our last snowfall.
And I took it pretty hard. It was another confirmation that Brut was really gone.
Since Brut died last year at the beginning of the summer nothing much changed. We were all in shock, but as time has past, the Back Dogs, have been finding their place without their leader and it looks like they have come to terms with their new life as three.
Another sign of the times for the 24 Paws of Love.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Thursday, April 14, 2016
It was a year ago this month that we began what would be our last Earthly journey with Brut. His bloody eye was only the sign of the tumor on his spleen that was bleeding into his abdomen.
This picture was taken 18 days before he died. And my heart has never stopped feeling the loss, if it ever will.
Brut was the best of dogs and the worst of dogs, but he was always real. Everything he taught me changed the way I think of dogs and my relationship to them. He went against the grain and I loved that about him.
Brut was so proud of who he was, he never coward behind anyone or made excuses for being himself. He was strong and true to his word and he taught me the beauty of his language.
He was too smart for his own fur and never turned down a challenge. Whether it was one of his kids or me. Brut was conniving and witty which he used to his charm and humor. That boy understood his intelligence and was the only one who could make me laugh some days.
Brut was a bastard. He kept a tight paw about what he wanted and didn't want and anyone crossing that line paid for it. He also knew remorse when he'd pushed that button too far.
We understood each other. Something I miss terribly of him. He was the dog that really got me and I him. Somewhere in canine heaven Brut is smiling down at this knowing exactly what I mean. I'm a better dog mom because of Brut and I am proud to have had the honor of knowing this spiritual dog.
Somewhere up there is a star with Brut's name on it, shining for all to see.
Love ya Bruter boy!