Can you see the fear in his eyes even at 6 weeks old?
What I sort of understood from the time I got Brut and going through his aggression, was that his aggression was a trigger for my PTSD. Looking back his aggression stood for everything that was evil and wicked in my childhood abuse. It sent immense anger, fear, and sheer terror. And I didn't know how to separate that from Brut, the dog, who also had a horrible puppy hood and was dealing with his own demons of what he went through. I didn't know at the time I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, all I knew was that I was reliving my childhood nightmares through flashbacks and memories and Brut was part of that. Not just for the bad stuff, but also for the good. For he gave me a strong rock to fall on and a devoted security and protection I never had in a dog before. Or any living being for that matter. His love was as fierce and as intense as his aggression and his loyalty was unbreakable. I couldn"t have asked for a dog like Brut to help me heal through all of those wicked parts of my life only to find that he was given to me with the same sheer terror that I had inside.
Our all time favorite pic of Brut
Maybe that's why he was sent to me and I to him, to help each other through the abuse we both went through and the fears that have scarred our hearts. Because with everything I been through with Brut it was more than just a dog and human relationship, we were together to save each others souls.
I sat looking at Brut as he looked out over his kingdom. I could see the expression in his eyes even from where I was sitting. He had a smile on his face as his large head grazed from side to side, searching the backyard for any signs of critter movement on which to pounce. Brut's shoulders were down, his haunches relaxed and his eyes were full. He was one content dog and I caught my breath as I realized the biggest change that had occurred in our relationship, I was talking softly to him, even to the point of whispering.
In the beginning I panicked and ran with fear when this aggressive dog would act out on the other dogs. I yelled, I screamed, I made a fit of noise to break up fights. I would get so frustrated that I would stomp my feet and slam doors with anger. I was ridiculed with fear because Brut was a scary dog and I reacted out of that fear.
I knew raising my voice set Brut off when he was about to attack a dog and I struggled with making myself calm when he was acting up. Some days Brut was just in a bad mood, testy I call it and he would try to pick fights and test me.
I don't know how else to describe the dynamics that happened with Brut and I, but I wasn't proud of it. I practiced and practiced to control my tone of voice with him and together we began to heal.
It has been this past year or so that I've discovered the value of a soft tone and whisper have made in my relationship with Brut stronger than ever.
And this is what I was thinking about as I watched his gentle form stroll over to me. How the aggressive dog of the bunch quieted my own aggressions inside of me.
I can not be the only dog lover out there who suffers from depression. I also know I can't be the only dog lover out there who has been through a traumatic childhood. And I know I am not alone in dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder better known as PTSD.
I know there must be others out there who struggle with one or all three of these issues. And I want to let you know, you are not alone. I am there too. It is a constant fight that is baffling and cunning and does everything to break you.
The dogs and my husband are a huge part of my healing process, but they don't change the fact that I live with my demons every day.
Experts in the field of PTSD will help explain, diagnose and discuss treatments available.
It is free to attend and there is no registration for stream live feed, only if you physically plan to attend.
The reason I thanked Pamela, is a feel like she busted the door on depression for me with her candid and honest post about her struggles with depression. And I thank her for that. We are not alone. Together we can be there for each other and help each other through each of our battles.
And that is when I realized there are others out there who would like to attend the forum and with the magic of the internet, anyone can.