Current blog look inspired by, dedicated to, and in memory of Brut. The studded star of the 24 Paws of Love.

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Brut Quotes

Brut Quotes

Friday, June 24, 2016

The Beautiful Gift

Now that Brut's anniversary has passed, the hurt is slowing melting away.  It is time to move pn with his spirit into tomorrow.  I'll never stop missing him, but I know Brut is only a heartbeat away from me.  A heartbeat I will always treasure forever.

Maybe you heard that we have 5 other dogs?  lol  Seems like it's been eons since I wrote about them.  We have been spending a lot of time together, bonding even closer than before.

It's really hard to put into words what Zappa, Fiona, Silver, Chance and Blaze have meant to me going through this grieving process.  In part because they all are a part of Brut being their father and Silver his girlfriend.  But it is as if Brut is still here and is being the good leader he tried to be.  We have all grown together, richer and stronger because of Brut, of having him in our lives and it is a beautiful thing, watching 4 puppies really mature and grow together as a family.  Even with the separation of two packs.

They have become fuller as if sucking in Brut's spirit.  They are more confident and compassionate.  Some of their fears and anxieties died with Brut, as if given a second chance.  There is a wholeness to them as if Brut's death gave them the last missing pieces to their souls.  And there is joy and happiness, more peace and more hope, as if they are really getting the chance to live.

I think Brut is proud of his kids and Silver.

Almost as much as I am.

Brut resonates through them and around them, while not overshadowing the kids and Silver's own personalities and uniqueness.

It is one of the most beautiful things I have witnessed this past year and I have been so blessed to be a part of their transformation.  I'm so very grateful for all that has happened.  They bring a richness to my life that can never be taken away, just when I think God can't blow my mind any more than He does.  He gives me these beautiful creatures to share in my life as we grow together.

Beautiful, isn't it?  :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Then the tears fell...

 another year
 to begin, without our Bruter Boy.
Circling around back to doubt and why
even when I have some answers of why he died
Life is not fair

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Brut: A year ago today

Dear Brut,

All I ever wanted for you is, peace, love and happiness.

I tried my best to bring this to you

and now you have the ultimate in all three.

I have been blessed ten fold because of this.

The richness continues in our new relationship...

Brut:  Oct. 11, 2006-June 18, 2015
Forever my friend
and the Forever Father of the 24 Paws of Love

Monday, June 6, 2016

My Observation-Blaze's shift in the pack

Before Blaze was spayed two years ago, she was driven by her hormones.  Her purpose was to reproduce, be a mother and carry on her genes.  Because of this drive, she never cared much for treats and food wasn't a priority as her meals were provided. This left her to focus on other things in order to seek out her purpose.

Then we had her spayed and her role in the pack changed.  Blaze became a foodie.  

Our vet has made this reference a few times about "her role in the pack changing," and I didn't totally understand what she meant by that.  

It has taken a year of Brut being gone to start to grasp this change and how spaying Blaze at seven years old changed her role in the pack.

When Brut died, all the dogs went through changes in their packs and as a whole, but the one that stuck out the most was Blaze.  She thought she still had that same purpose, that hormonal instinct because Brut was still intact when he died.  With Brut still able to reproduce, Blaze still had her same drive only it was weakened by the drastic change to her hormone levels and she still went through the motions of having her heats.  It was when Brut died that Blaze lost that "hope" of being a mother and having a family, the only thing she knew she was born for, to reproduce.  Her soul purpose was eliminated and so the her role changed from Alpha dog to Beta dog where getting food became her soul purpose.  So it wasn't just Brut's attitude and snarls that kept the order intact, it was that hormonal flow that permeated the packs. It was biological.  

Funny thing is, Brut's happiest year, was the year before he died.  The year that Blaze was fixed.  

It was Brut's death and my grief that led to her gaining about 6 pounds last year.  Six pounds is a lot for a dog who should only be about 63 pounds.  

My grief crippled me those first few months and instead of walks, I played treat games so as not to have to leave any of the dogs. I needed them as a group to help with the loss of Brut.  

I might have noticed the weight gain by fall, but still stayed in denial about it.  It wasn't until this spring that I noticed how heavy Blaze had gotten and the vet made that observation about changes in her pack role when the light bulb went off.

Spaying Blaze changed her purpose.  She went from a hierarchy position where we felt equal with each other to second in command.  THAT'S what was so amazing for me having  dogs that are intact, there is an equality between you and them, especially emotionally and spiritually.   They are no different a species as you are and I find it kind of sad that it is so quickly taken away from them by one trip to the vet because people are so irresponsible.  There is nothing better than that feeling of being on the same level with someone, but it is quite special to be one with your dog.  It is probably why Brut and I were so keen on each other and understood the other's moves.

I know there is more to this role changing than Blaze becoming a food obsessed dog.  This change didn't effect her personality or our relationship, but it is like an invisible shift that took over my sweet girl and now with Brut gone it is even more noticeable.  I am intrigued with the changing of Blaze's role in the pack.  I will be observing further into what this means for her and if there is more to this story.

Fascinating stuff! 

Thursday, June 2, 2016

3 Generations of Paws

We have had the privledge of staying loosely in touch with Silver's Dad, Bear and her son Jack.  About every year or so we make a trip to visit for a few minutes and take pictures.

We weren't sure if we'd see Bear this year, as Silver is 13 years old and we didn't know how old her dad was.  Well it turns out he's 15 and doing just fine!  I can see where Silver gets her energy, spunk and friendliness.  There are some good genes in that boy and we were proud to see them passed on to Silver and her kids.

Silver's son Jack is doing well also.  He lept on us when we came in, he was so happy to see us.  Same energy and spunk as Silver and Bear.  But what is it with these white muzzles?  Time flies so fast now adays.  Sigh.

We had a wonderful time visiting Jack and Bear and we are so glad to see them doing so well and that they are with loving families.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Missing my boy

It is so hard to come here and blog.  I'm forcing myself because I need to write and writing is therapeutic for me.  I need to share my feelings or I isolate.  And who understands better about the loss of a dog than our dog loving readers.

Today marks 11 months since we buried Brut.  I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but there are days when the tears are so fresh, it is like losing him all over again.  The last two days the weather has finally broke (hopefully for good) and I was sitting outside on my little bench in the same place Brut laid every day for those last couple of months.  I said 'Good Morning' to God, then to Brut and I cried unexpectedly.

 There is still a huge void where Brut once was.  I do believe his spirit is alive and well and I talk to him all the time.  It's a new adventure for our relationship, except I miss being able to ruffle his fur and look deep into his eyes.  I miss laying next to him on the bed looking out the window where only he could calm that inner tremor in me.  

I miss Brut patrolling the yard and noticed that even after only a couple of months of him being gone, his paths have been growing over and now are almost gone.  Brut trodden those paths religiously keeping all evil out.  He was such a great protector of his family.

Zappa is feeling the hurt as well.  I make a poor subsitute for Brut as a squirrel chaser.  Those two would race around the sheds and try to flush out the chipmunks and squirrels and it took a lot for them to give up.  God, how I miss watching them two play together.

There have been more than a few times that depending the angle or my perspective or lighting when Zappa will look like Brut.  It only happens for a split second or two making my heart skip a beat.

And I can't believe I've lived almost a whole year without my Bruter Boy.  I never thought I could live without him in my life connected to my mind and soul.   Thank goodness for the unconditional love of a dog.  We will always together in spirit.

For all of you who have lost a dog a heartfelt hug goes out to you.