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Current blog look inspired by and dedicated to Chance, Blaze and Fiona who all kicked ass against cancer and liver disease.

Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Monday, August 1, 2022

Broken heart

 I'm really scared about getting my heart broken again.  Losing three dogs almost at the same time was horrifying and devastating and I don't know that I can go through that again with another dog(s).  

Sometimes I feel like Zappa will be the last one...ever.  And there are other times I want another dog, but I can't see any past Zappa.  I think it's because we had a pack, with a mom, a dad and kids and it is so hard to explain the feelings of losing a family of dogs.  From picking out Silver, then Brut, the conception, the pregnancy, the births to watching the litter grow at an alarming rate.  To saying good-bye and then saying hello again with Chance and Blaze.  I have no idea why, but having Chance and Blaze come back made our pack complete.  Yeah, these were special dogs.  We chose and planned this litter for a long time and now Zappa is the only one left. He deserves all the attention he can get.  He deserves everything he can get.  

I haven't ended up in the funny farm yet over the last three deaths, but when Zappa's time comes...I don't know that I can guarantee that.  

If it wasn't for the cats, I would have lost my sanity.  Right now they are the only ones that are keeping me together.  I know I don't talk much about them, after all it is a dog blog, but if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have much to hold on to.  They too are older seniors and time is flying by.  I'll tell you more about them in another post.  I am so grateful for them.  They are my beacons.  

My heart was shattered is several different ways and pieces losing three dogs so close together.  I don't know how to come back from that kind of fracture.  Every day I think about Chance, Blaze and Fiona.  And every day a sliver of my heart starts the healing process.  But I still don't know if I could do it again.  I'm really not sure...right now it hurts too much.

Monday, July 25, 2022

Zappa's laser treatment

Walking so much better with laser treatment.

 One of my favorite days of the week is Zappa's laser treatment day.  It has become such a bonding time for the three of us, as well as the vet staff, whom have fallen in love with Zappa.  

The day starts 3 hours before his appointment, when he gets his sedative, along with his daily supplements and if he's in the mood, breakfast.  I am not really a fan of giving the medicine, but there are some benefits.  For one, it makes him drop his guard and soften his aloof demeanor.  He changes from shrug-a-shoulder-don't-bother-me-dog to please-stay-close-to-me dog.  This is only exemplified when we get in the van.  Zappa can't sit or lay down in the van and so he stands in between our front seats, all the more bringing that physical closeness that we don't get on a normal day.  So these rides have become pretty special.  Sneaking kisses that I've missed out on, petting, hugs (for those sharp corners) and treats make it the perfect together time.  And if that wasn't enough, Zappa will ask for eye massages or pets by rubbing his head against my forearm.  Yes, these rides are a treat indeed! 

Standing on his own back legs.

The sedative doesn't knock him out.  He is very aware of what is going on and where we are going.  I only give him half of recommended dose otherwise it takes too long for him to recover from it. So, he still is nervous going to the vet.  The vet techs are so good with him and work well with Zappa, which makes for a good visit.  

We let Zappa go by himself in the back room to get his laser treatment.  It is a 45 minute procedure and this is where the second half of the fun comes in...meeting all the dogs and dog owners that come in while we are waiting.  They share their stories, we share ours and it is like a meeting of the dog minds.  I love this part of our trip.  There are so many different dog breeds and we have seen some really unique ones, every week is different.  

Even having a little playtime with no pain.

The ride home is much more relaxed.  Zappa is usually a little calmer and feeling less pain and now it is just a matter of getting home so he can rest.  It will take him about 24 hours to recover from the sedative and the trip itself.  A nap, a meal and more napping until bedtime.  Half way through the following day of his treatment, he will start waking up from the medicine and the results from the laser treatment are quite noticeable after that first day.  

And then we get to do it all over again the next week.  :)

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Angry at Life

 I'm angry.  Yes, about the world situation, but this anger is a little more personal.   I'm in the anger phase of my grief of losing Chance, Blaze and Fiona.  I've been here before, but it is sticking around as I get to the core of it.  

I'm angry that life has left me with one dog.  Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful for Zappa, but I miss having a house full of dogs.  I feel cheated in some ways that Fiona, Zappa's partner, isn't here.  I am angry God took all three, practically at the same time.  I have no problem being angry at God and telling him how I feel, but in the end God always wins.  I mean, the dogs were 13 years old.  They weren't going to live forever...maybe it is the cancer I'm mad at.  Why did they have liver cancer and die from it?  All of the 24 Paws that have died, have died from cancer.  Maybe Zappa will be the first who doesn't.  Maybe that's why he is here.  Among many other reasons.  Zappa doesn't seem to be hurting from having all our attention.  I think as he has healed he knows we are at his beck and call and he is lapping it up.  I think we have pretty much concluded that we won't be getting a dog for Zappa.  He is the last of the Paws and we want to honor him for that.  Sometimes I think another dog would be good for him, but the thought is temporary.  I don't see a long term positive for him.  Zappa needs all our attention in these tender years.  And we need him as a representative of the Paws.  

Funny how God works, I thought I'd be ranting and raving, but, really I'm content and at peace.  I know later tonight, the anger will come, even though it is already subsiding as a whole.  I never know what might be next, but I've made it this far already, so I think I can make it.  

Hope everyone is having a good day.  Remember to hug your dog. ♥ 



Friday, June 10, 2022

A little peace

 It has been just over a year since losing Chance, Fiona and Blaze.  I think their anniversaries were harder than their initial death in some ways.  When they died we were in shock, which blocked a lot of things out, but after a year it was inevitable that the loss was real.  I fell into a horrible, dark depression after their anniversaries that I didn't think I would live through and I just wanted to die to be with them.  That's when I knew I'd hit the bottom in my grief and there was no where left to go but up.  And here I am.

We all went through a tough time around that period.  Zappa had a serious UTI with three different bacteria, that we struggled to catch.  After a strong antibiotic that almost killed his appetite, we were praying he just get through it, as he was rapidly losing weight for those two weeks.  And he did make it.  He is like a new dog, almost puppy like and feeling good.  

And of course, Mark was worried sick about both of us.  He was the one holding us together as much as he could while dealing with his own grief.  Believe me it was one day at a time.  One minute at a time.

The highlights for me were taking Zappa to laser therapy for pain in his back and back legs.  Even though we still have to give him a sedative, I think he's getting used to the routine and the procedure.  We are still seeing improvement or at least making the pain manageable going once a week for treatment.  Zappa also received a medicine called Adaquin, for his joints and that made quite an improvement.  We did eight treatments (two shots a week) for four weeks and now he's on a maintenance dose once a month that he will get later this month.    

I think overall we are doing OK.  That first year was so tough.  I don't know how we made it through it, but we are all doing better even with the sadness of the loss.  We are so grateful Zappa is still here with us, just that alone is a huge comfort.  Every day is a gift.  Hug your loved ones, time flies so fast.

Sunday, May 8, 2022

My Precious Fiona-One year anniversary

Dear Mr. God,

It was one year ago today that Fiona left us to spend time with you.  She must have missed Chance so much and didn't want him to go alone, so she met him in Heaven 3 days after he died.  

I don't know why she had to leave so soon, she must have had important Heaven work to do for you

You know that Fiona has never been gone this long from home and she might be missing some of her favorite things.  So let me tell you some of them.  

Fiona likes to dig up dandelions and eat them.  The ones with just the leaves and roots, not the flowers.  She saves those for the bees.  You must have told her they were good for her lives and probably helped her live a longer life.  I know she doesn't need them for her liver, now, but I think she would still like them.

The second thing Fiona loves o do is get her back scratched by the pine tree with the long needles.  And when the needles fell off, Mark, attached fresh ones to the tree, so that the fun never stopped.   In fact, he just replaced the branches this spring.  So any time she wants she can visit her favorite tree and let the scratching begin.  

Do you have snack time in Heaven?  Fiona loves snack time!  She is so funny about it.   She dances a jig, swinging her head to and fro, barking up a storm.  So you gotta have snacks, Mr. God for my Fiona.

And she adores belly rubs and lots and lots of love.  Can't get enough.  I wish I'd given her more. 

Please take care of my Fiona, Mr. God.  We miss her so much.  We are leaving her in your hands.  

Love, Patty 


Thursday, May 5, 2022

Soul Windows-Chance's One Year Anniversary

I am still processing Chance's death and this post comes in pieces from my broken soul.

Chance was the fourth puppy born to Silver and Brut's litter and the hardest dog for me to let go.  He was my heart and soul dog and his passing cuts the deepest out of our three that died.  

Chance's eyes were like burning fires.  They started out yellow than turned to an fiery amber.  His eyes were dull and empty when his previous owner returned him.   I watched those eyes turn to light and love.  They were so sweet and full of life and passion.  

I felt safe and protected in those eyes.  They were our largest way of communicating.  Chance's eyes spoke volumes in compassion, empathy and unconditional love.

Those eyes have saved my life over and over again.

13 years with these expressive, trusting eyes, taking care of me, even until the very end. When he willed himself in spite of the shot that was just given, to lift his head to give  me his eyes, one last time.  

Tuesday, April 26, 2022


Dear Friends, 

I made it to Blaze's one year anniversary, only to feel like I fell off a cliff the next day.  

Reality is so hard.

Now Chance and Fiona's one year anniversary is coming up and I'm grieving hard.  They died three days apart from each other and I am not handling it very well.  

I wanted to write up a little memoir for both of them and I don't know if I can do it.  I have been at a loss for words and have been feeling quite numb.  I'm surprised I made it this far for this post.  

I can't look at Facebook anymore. The groups I'm on, it seems as if all the dogs are dying.  It has become a living reminder of what I am going through myself.  

So, I don't know if I will be able to do something for Chance's and Fiona's day, but I know I will be thinking of them.  

Hope you are all doing well.

Thank you for thinking of us.  

Patty, Mark, and Zappa

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

The Royal Blood/24Paws connection

 Tonight my favorite English duo, Royal Blood are playing here in Michigan.  I've been upset for months that I couldn't go.  Covid and Zappa.  Mostly Zappa.  I have really struggle with why the stars aligned the way they did for today.  It seemed like there was a roadblock in every direction.  

To me, Royal Blood is a band of all bands for alternative rock.  While it feels as if the the rest of the rock world is dying, this band is more than a breath of fresh air; they are like getting straight oxygen to the brain.  They had me with their first beat of their first single.  

Tickets went on sale in Dec. '21 and were still available last week.  There was just no way I can go.  Today, I finally accepted that and thought I will have my own private concert at home.  I'll play their 3 albums back to back and just enjoy the music.  

I was half way through the first album, Royal Blood, when I found myself feeling uneasy and like my brain was churning.  I had to walk away from the music and sit outside.  Before I left, I looked at the year this album came out.  2014.  That's when the puzzle came into focus. 

Brut died in 2015 and I'd been listening to this album, before and after he died. I lived on the album.  Sometimes it helped me grieve while other times it was a break from grieving.  

The 2nd album, How did we get so dark?, came out in 2017, the same year Silver died.  I played it to over and over that year.  

The latest album, Typhoon, came out in 2020. Our last summer with Chance, Blaze, and Fiona.  Guess what got me through after they were gone.  

Every significant death is connected with these songs, these albums, and this band.  

Maybe, just maybe seeing Royal Blood live, tonight, would have been more than this broken hearted dog mom could take.