Sitting here, wondering if anything will transform from my thoughts to feelings that I can write down. I've been having a hard time, but I will try.
Since Brut passing, I have struggled just to journal my feelings. They just seem frozen in my head. My body and mind are still going through shock at his loss. Last night after everyone went to bed, I sat in my chair thinking about him. I dozed on and off for about an hour before it became eerie being in the room without him. The vastness and emptiness were overpowering and scary.
Being a highly visual person, Brut's spirit isn't far when I can envision him next to me or at my feet. His peaceful spirit is strong, like he always was, and I find myself comforted in a way I can't explain. It just is.
There have been many times I thought Brut was just "in the bedroom," or "outside," with his presence being so strong at times.
I cried at his grave a few nights ago, because I didn't know how to talk to him now. We always spoke with little words, mostly with body language and eyes. We knew each other inside and out. And now it feels like our communication has been cut off except when I am able to envision him. And it isn't the same.
The week anniversary of Brut's death, was one of the most difficult. That's when I felt and began to realize, Brut was gone and wasn't coming back.
The rest of the 24 Paws are struggling as we are. They are all mourning, sad, sleepy. We are taking walks every day and I'm playing treat games with them. But they are still quiet and don't quite know what to do with their leader being gone. We are trying to get through it one day at a time and together.
And so the last 10 days have been a blur or tears, sorrow, sadness, peace, anger, and love.
So while this gives you a run down of what has happened since Brut died, I don't think I express any feelings out of it. Maybe it is just too fresh and hurts so deep it will be a while until I reach them.
Thank you so much for all of your comments and prayers. It has truly helped us going through this difficult time.
P.S My Wife Patty does most of the writing on our Blog.
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Current blog look inspired by and dedicated to Chance, Blaze and Fiona who all kicked ass against cancer and liver disease.