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Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Life and walking the dogs.

I didn't want to walk the dogs.  It had been an emotional and tiring day and I was thinking of taking the night off.  It wasn't fair to them that they were laying around for me and crying over Brut.  They were hurting too.  The dogs needed a walk just as much as I did...so I gathered my courage and the leashes to walk the Back Dogs Trio, Silver, Zappa and Fiona.  Something I don't do too often, but tonight seemed like a perfect evening for it.

It didn't take long for our spirits to rise and get our hearts pumping.  I took a very safe dog-free route and there was something very cool about walking the trio around the block.  It was pretty awesome!  While they were quick walkers, they did really well altogether.  At one part of the walk, Fiona wanted to go her own way and take everyone with her, but we manage to negotiate and had a really great walk.

After my walk with the trio, I came home more than ready to take on the speedy Front Dogs. They are always a blast to walk!  And so much more disciplined than Fiona and Zappa.  We kicked ass around the block and it felt so good to be moving.  I mean really moving.  Since there is something about death that slows your whole world to a stop and then just lingers there.  I even got to run part of the stretch, something I haven't been able to do very much of due to joint issues.  It just felt fluid.  The cool wind in my hair.  The fresh air surrounding me and a nice break from the heat we had yesterday.  And running with my two favorite dogs, Chance and Blaze.  It had been a while since I'd felt life.

And as I sat outside, cooling down from our sweaty walk and feeling the satisfaction in the dogs, I felt the acceptance of my life as it was now, without Brut.  And I was OK with that.  In that moment all was in it's place and everything was in order.  And I felt peace.

And about the minute I realized my acceptance, I felt the plucking of sadness on my heart.  Not totally willing to give over.  For it was only hours ago that I crying over my boy and missing him so.

It was a wolf video, you may have seen on FB that reminded me and made me ache for Brut.  A person stands by themselves, a pack of wolves come running and I am fixated on the alpha male who licks their face like crazy.  I watched intently as he controls the pack with growls and looks even pinning the lower ranking wolves in submission.  He reminds me so much of Brut, but on a smaller scale.  Brut could just give a look and everyone would turn the other way.  The sounds!  I never thought I would miss those growls and snarls so much and the power that was thrown around for his own respect.  The video is awesome and beautiful.


Kirsten (peacefuldog) said...

Wolves indeed have a powerful beauty, they are amazing creatures. And I can imagine that they bring back the feeling of your wolf man Brut. For me the best way to process death has been to embrace life with those who are still living, just as you are doing...out in the open air with your beloved pups.

But the pain of loss is still there for me, a year after Lamar passed and two years after my mom. I don't think it will ever really go away. Hugs to all of you! It is beautiful that you loved him so deeply and a gift to have even experienced that connection.

The Daily Pip said...

I do know that feeling of acceptance and then the sadness and the changing feelings by the minute. I still have that with Pip ...I have gotten to the point where I just accept that this is how it's going to be - I accept that he is gone, but the loss will be something I carry with me for a very long time.

FiveSibesMom said...

My heart just breaks for you...it's an odd feeling that one of acceptance and the ache of loss all rolled up into one. It stays always...in it's own little corner of the heart. While Brut will always be with you, that ache for his physical presence will show itself. I hope in due time memories of your beautiful boy will bring you peace and smiles, as you remember all those wonderful times spent together. Sending you lots of hugs.