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Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Down In A Hole

I don't know if anyone can understand this, but I'll try to explain...

I was going to capture a moment when one of my favorite Alice in Chains' song came on the radio.  But I couldn't.  The timing of the song was perfect for how I was feeling at that moment.  I couldn't stop eating my chicken dinner, in fact I ate faster, shaking as I felt on the brink of my body going into emotional spasms. I couldn't stop the song.  I couldn't stop anything.  I felt like I was fighting for my life.  That song used to explain how I felt all of the time.  Digging deeper into that hole of depression where I have been for far too many years in my life.  But now...hearing it now when we are counting our lives by the days, weeks and months that Brut has been gone...there I was again.  In that spot, in another context of my life holding my wilting soul hurting like I didn't think could be done.

And then the song was over.  And I wanted to capture it on paper, but I couldn't.  Minutes went by, I couldn't bring it all together in my head.  I listen to the song on YouTube and the moment was over.  It was that connection of eating dinner, the song, the sun setting too early, the rainy day we had, and the unofficial end of summer yesterday that made it all come together.  In a few weeks it will 90 days that my boy has been gone.  One full season that I missed of my Brut and his love.  I know, I know his spirit is all around me.  That still doesn't make up for what was taken from me.

These lyrics say it all...



The Daily Pip said...

I do understand. There are moments and songs and sounds and even smells that bring back all the memories of Pip. I also tend to mark everything by how long Pip has been gone. I try to just accept it and not be too hard on myself ...but it is difficult and painful at times.

Depression is a terrible thing and I also understand that feeling of falling deeper and deeper. Just know that many of us have been there, too, and that we are all throwing you virtual rope to help lift you up.

Wyatt said...

We understand too. Losing a dog is hard, REALLY hard. We still tear up when we think of our first Airedale 'Leo' and then we said goodbye to 'Stanzie' in March.
We have our scrapbooks and our mementos on the mantle...time does help, but you never really get over saying goodbye to a family member.

At some point you just say, "I'm tired of being sad". For us, it has really helped to have 'Wyatt' by our side and now we are moving towards a new playmate for him.
That gives us something to smile about :)

Wyatt's Mom

TimberLove said...

We understand, wishing you peace mate,

FiveSibesMom said...

Oh, we perfectly understand. Thinking of you...