I don't know if anyone can understand this, but I'll try to explain...
I was going to capture a moment when one of my favorite Alice in Chains' song came on the radio. But I couldn't. The timing of the song was perfect for how I was feeling at that moment. I couldn't stop eating my chicken dinner, in fact I ate faster, shaking as I felt on the brink of my body going into emotional spasms. I couldn't stop the song. I couldn't stop anything. I felt like I was fighting for my life. That song used to explain how I felt all of the time. Digging deeper into that hole of depression where I have been for far too many years in my life. But now...hearing it now when we are counting our lives by the days, weeks and months that Brut has been gone...there I was again. In that spot, in another context of my life holding my wilting soul hurting like I didn't think could be done.
And then the song was over. And I wanted to capture it on paper, but I couldn't. Minutes went by, I couldn't bring it all together in my head. I listen to the song on YouTube and the moment was over. It was that connection of eating dinner, the song, the sun setting too early, the rainy day we had, and the unofficial end of summer yesterday that made it all come together. In a few weeks it will 90 days that my boy has been gone. One full season that I missed of my Brut and his love. I know, I know his spirit is all around me. That still doesn't make up for what was taken from me.
These lyrics say it all...
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