Discombobulated

This was written at the beginning of February,2022.  I never got around to sharing it. This is just some of things Mark and I have been going through with Zappa. 

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We have been doing it since the first night Blaze came back.  Every night with only a few exceptions, for 13 years, hubby and I have been taking turns sleeping with the two packs.  Each night switching pillows and blankets between the two sleeping quarters.  Mark would sleep with one side while I was sleeping on the other and then the next night we would rotate.  

When Blaze came back, it was a difficult time all around, especially for her.  There was no way we were leaving her alone that first night and so I took first shift on the bathroom floor with my little girl.  With nothing more than layered blankets on a plywood floor and a silent prayer we began what would become a lifestyle that changed the course of our lives.  

We continued this pattern even after Chance, Blaze and Fiona died.  At first it was hard sleeping with the Front pack all alone, but over time it became healing and welcomed.  

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For the last couple of months my sleeping time with Zappa have been very stressful.  He was constantly waking me up and getting me up and down out of bed.  Eventually, I slept in the living room.  The beginning of the broken trust.  That went on fine for a couple of months, until he started again, waking me up and keeping me up.  Not good for either of us.  Finally after days of little to no sleep, we made the difficult decision for Mark to sleep with Zappa on a regular basis, while I took to the Front Dogs.  

The decision was good.  I was finally able to catch up on my sleep as my mental health had been wavering due so many sleepless nights.  

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It's been almost a week since sleeping "with" Chance and Blaze.  And I'm having a harder and harder time sleeping.  The decision for permanent sleeping arrangements, solidifies the big change that happened almost a year ago and I don't know where to sleep anymore.  I slept with the cats last night.  I'm in my chair at the moment.  I don't know where to rest my head.  I'm so discombobulated.   It is more than just a routine, it was our lives.  It was our dogs.  It was everything.  And it is over.  It is over.

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It has been a good month since changing our sleeping arrangements and things are finally settling down.  I am sleeping in Chance's and Blaze's bed and sleeping through the night without shifting places.  I feel grounded now and while it is still difficult sleeping alone, there is some peace.