This is one of those times when I really need the dog blogging community. I'm a bit scattered, so bear with me. Brut went after Silver. Silver's shaken up, but is OK. I on the other hand am a jumble of emotions. I can't be perfect when it comes to Brut, but the dogs pay for it when I'm not. I can think about three ways I screwed up, not thinking anything about it at the time, when those tiny muscle movements and nuances tell me Brut is going to attack and then I am too late.
And then we reacted, instead of responded.
In that moment, I'm hurt, scared, and angry. I want to scream at Brut. I want to beat the aggression out of him. Instead, I am stern with my words and ignore him, until he comes to me for forgiveness. He lowers his head with remorseful eyes and I stroke his face and we say we are sorry to each other. Our trust in each other a little broken. He isn't one to forget very easy and neither am I, but we always forgive.
We've had so few incidences that I've gotten kind of lazy on my perception. I wonder if it was easier when the fights were happening all the time. Like forgetting how to ride a bike.
And it hurts, like a punch in the gut. What happen? How were we there and now we are here? How did I see the signals and still stood hoping you might do something different this time? Instead of really seeing your cry for help while I did nothing? And let that ugly side exploit itself? Why did I just stand there? How could I forget everything you taught me about yourself?
And I'm disappointed. In you. In myself. Your puppyhood. Life. Instinct. Protection.
And I think about when you are gone and there will be a sense of relief. And I think you know that too.
And I am sad that it is like that. All of it. Sad for so many reasons.
But I still love you. You are and will always be my heart dog. Because we understand each other.
Current blog look inspired by, dedicated to, and in memory of Brut. The studded star of the 24 Paws of Love.