It is these low days when I find myself in mental exhaustion that I just don't have the energy to give them much and they suffer. At least I think they do because it makes me suffer. There is nothing worse than not being able to give the simple things that I believe dogs need. A walk, playtime, training. I just couldn't do it today and it was difficult day with that fact alone, not to mention all the other stresses that have brought me down. It makes me feel like the worse dog mom in the world. It's difficult maintaining two packs of dogs, there is a constant back and forth that can be maddening at times. The constant division is just that, division. It hurts that things must be that way for now and sometimes makes me wish there had been a way to see into the future of Chance and Blaze's return for I would have never let them go in the first place. That along with a number of other things I wish I could have done differently in raising my dogs. I would like to fix everything between the two packs to make them one right now. Yes, I have many regrets, things I would love to do over and sometimes have a hard time accepting things as they are now, but I also know I can't change what I didn't know and what happened. Although sometimes it would be nice to start over.
I do believe everything happens for reason and that things have a way of working themselves out. I have found taking baby steps and making mistakes along the way have brought all of the dogs closer to being reunited with each other. Sometimes when depression gets the best of me, it is hard to see the progress and the reasons why, but I do know they are there. It these days that I want to just curl up with all of them and tell them how sorry I am for screwing up.
For more on the two packs you can read: How We Became Two Packs
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