Pack Mentality Mom

Even though they were separated, they were so together and in tune with each other and me.
 

I was sitting thinking about Chance, Blaze and Fiona and the grave loss Mark and I have had.  We had spoken earlier about how all this loss felt.  I said, "it still feels like the Twilight Zone." and he said, "it feels like a nightmare."

And as I thought those feelings, somewhere in the midst of it, I thought, I'm a pack dog mom.  I can't operate with just a dog or two.  I need the complexity and togetherness of a pack.  I think like a pack dog, I act like a pack dog, I am a pack dog.  I think that is why I struggle with Zappa, I've known him through the pack.  It is almost like I am hardwired that way.  Like a Husky.  

See, through the day I'll be going along just fine and then all the sudden I will feel out of sorts.  Then I start thinking what is wrong with me?  What's going on?  That's when it starts feeling like a Twilight Zone episode.  I will either freak out or slump into a depression.  I've had dogs in the past, single dogs that I didn't experience that pack mentality with, but when we had the puppies and then the six dogs, I got it.  Even though I didn't realize how much I had it until the loss of the three, then I felt it.  Losing that pack mentality, I feel lost.  Like I can't think for myself.  A huge emptiness.

And if I'm feeling that, I can't begin to imagine what Zappa must be feeling and going through all by himself.  Somehow this clicked for me, I wonder if it has clicked for him.  I know he likes to be with both Mark and I when he can.  And the cats are venturing out more, so they will also be part of his "pack."  

Even so, I'm beginning to see where Zappa has been coming from with his actions and behaviors.  He's lost too.  We are navigating new roads and plowing new paths and we are doing it together.  Neither of know how to operate without a pack, so we will make a new and figure it out together.  

Apologizing to my Chance

 Walked into the kitchen with the cats on my heels.  I let them come in and the tears immediately fell.  I apologized to Chance for letting them in.  I sobbed.   

The cats haven't been in the kitchen since Chance and Blaze died.  My barriers are starting to break down.  

It was hard enough letting them in the dog's room.  Some days I couldn't do it.  

It hurt so much.  

So the cats would have to stay in their room for the day.

I'll never be 100% comfortable with the cats in the dog's room, but I'm living with it, one day at a time.

It has just been in the last two days that I let the cats in the kitchen for any length of time.  I don't know why I did.  I just didn't have the emotional energy to shut the door.  

Chance did not like Boxer in his space and the kitchen belonged to Chance and Blaze.  He tolerated Boxer for me and it hurt to let Boxer in.  

As I sat outside writing this post, four Tufted Titmice came and sat on the tree behind me.  One by one they hopped on the fence only a couple of feet from my face.  They leaned in looking at me.  I talked to them.  Then after a few minutes they fluttered away. 

It wasn't until the last bird that I remembered that the Tufted Titmouse is Chance's spiritual bird.  He forgave me.

Tufted Titmouse

(photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

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This is a song I've been listening to, when I am sad.  Mostly when I think of Chance, but really it fits for all the dogs.  

It's sad.  It's beautiful. and it is short.

By Royal Blood-All We Have Is Now

Take a listen...

Zappa scare and update

 Here's an update on Zappa:

He can feel coming in the air tonight...

He has been struggling to eat and sometimes wouldn't eat at all.  

We got x-rays done and everything was really good.  All his organs were in good shape.

We also got blood work, a full panel, to see if anything was wrong.  

And we just got the results today...all he has is a bladder infection!

All his levels are within range and normal.  Woo-Hoo!

We were so worried that something was seriously wrong.  

Thank goodness for modern medicine test.  

Now all he needs is some antibiotics and he's good to go!!

The Power of a Door

 Walked in the kitchen from outside and my heart jumped. The door that used to separate the two packs was open. I am not used to it.  It has been very strange having the door open almost all the time and Zappa walking through it.   It still freaks me out even though it has become our new "normal."   I like it and I don't like it.  For 13 years I must have opened and closed that door thousands upon thousands of times and to have all that motion and conscious effort stopped is the reality I live.  It is the most tangible object that Chance, Blaze and Fiona are gone.  

It was that door that kept our family safe and "together."  It was that door that despite all the "fights" that were happening on both sides, that stood and never broke down.  It was that door that time after time I made a conscious effort to make sure it fully shut.  Every.  Time.  And it was that door that gave us peace of mind and the ability to keep all our dogs, in spite of their differences with each other.   That door kept us all alive and helped the 24 Paws of Love to thrive.  Not that there weren't a few accidents when the door didn't shut and there was an all out war between the two packs.

It just proves even more how important that door was.  And how special and sturdy it really was.  Holding two packs together and apart at the same time.  

A door, that made the 24 Paws of Love possible. 

 

Where there is life--there is HOPE

Written on July 8, 2021 

Hanging out with Daddy and Blaze

Zappa's been coming in the Front Dogs yard (Chance and Blaze's territory) as of the last couple of days.  The first few times he was out there were short and sweet.  The last few times have been about a chipmunk that he's hoping to see again, even in the pouring rain.  

At first he seemed so alone out there and it made me realize how he was the only dog.  It didn't stand out so much when he was out in the backyard, his domain, as it did out front.  

Then yesterday he discovered a chipmunk and he has done nothing but hunt and wait for it.  I don't know how to break it to him that they won't come out in the rain, but he sits and waits for it anyways.  

It has given Zappa a purpose, a reason to live doing something he loves.  In the place where Chance and Blaze had the joy of chasing chipmunks, now Zappa is blessed with them.  

And seeing how the Front yard is smaller and more compact than the back, Zappa can use less energy since he isn't as swift as he used to be.  Making the chipmunks more viable to chase and maybe catch.  

And that creates hope.  

Hope I think we all needed at this moment in time.

Hope to carry on with life.

Hope to believe in a tomorrow.

And hope to live on.    

Dear 24 Paws of Love Readers,

 

Zappa's inherited lean-to from Brut, 

his favorite spot to be.

As you might imagine we have been at a loss these last three months since Blaze, Chance and Fiona died.  

I am at a loss of words to express how I feel.  I've never lost more than one dog at a time, so you can imagine how devastating this is for us.  It still seems so surreal.

Blaze's new roses~Sunny KnockOut roses.

And what is just as surreal is having just one dog now.  Zappa is all that is left of the 24 Paws of Love.  It is so sad, but we are so grateful he is here, and we can't say that enough.  It has been 20 years since we had one dog, but never under these circumstances.  To say that this is the hardest thing we've ever been through in our marriage would be an understatement.  Losing Brut was hard, but nothing compares to losing three so close together.  

Fiona's new roses~ Coral KnockOut Roses

I just wanted to let you know much we appreciate your love and support through this difficult time.  We want to also let you know that all of the 24 Paws are better dogs because of all of you and we are better humans because of you as well.

Check out this unique rose of Brut's 

Red Knockout

  I wish all of you could have met them.  They were the best dogs ever.  

I don't know that I will be taking an official blogging break to mourn, but there may not be many post for the next couple of months.  Nothing out of the ordinary, but just in case we are quiet, you will know why. 

And Silver's Pink Double petal KO roses

Thank you for sticking by and God bless! 

p.s. we are still waiting for Chance's roses to arrive.  It is taking forever, but will hopefully be here soon!

Zappa and the separation door.

 Today we let Zappa in the kitchen while we ate dinner.  

We left the door open at first, and he just stood there at the threshold with this look of disbelief and surprise.

Mark gave him a piece of pizza crust and Zappa walked right in.  

He walked around and sniffed everything while walking back and forth to our sides for a bite, which we obliged.  

Then when we were about done he went back out to the living room and laid near the door.  

The door of separation.  The door that kept peace and war alive in our home.

I felt a sense of relief letting Zappa through that door.  Instead of always shutting the door on him and the guilt that came with it.

It's been since he was young that he has been in the kitchen.  Like before Blaze came home at 7 months.  

After 13 years with two packs of dogs, it was a long time coming.

Amongst our grief, is Brut's anniversary.

 

6 years ago today I buried my best friend.  

My canine-soulmate.  

Hard to believe it has only been 6 years.  

Seems like forever.  

And now Brut is with his girl Silver and their kids,

Chance, Blaze and Fiona.  

I hope they are having one hell of a celebration up there.  

Love ya, Bruter Boy!