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Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I Remember...

 I remember when Alex died, I was in a state of shock and relief for the first month.  When the tears hit, they didn't stop and will still surface.

The first morning he was gone, Brut (then 8 mos. old) was lying in Alex's spot in front of the sliding door.  And my heart stopped. 

I remember at roll call, almost calling out his name, every night.  To this day when rounding up the troops, Alex's name will still pop out. 

For months I would start to step over "Alex" and his spot. 

Every time I was out, I would rush home and think, "I hope Alex is OK," and then burst into tears.  

I can't tell you how many times I would be missing Alex and wished Brut was more like him. 

The silence and space was painful to get used to without Alex's booming voice and large presence. 

I remembering kneeling on his grave and burying my face in the dirt, sobbing that I didn't know how I was going to go on without him.  It was the closest I could get to him. 

And I remember Alex when I have been touched by others losses and grieve a little more for this wonderful, beautiful dog who graced my life in so many ways.

Always Alex....


White Dog Blog said...

When the vet called to say she had opened Sheena (our Sheltie girl) up for exploratory surgery and found her so full of liver cancer that she was amazed our girl had even been able to stand, I was asked to make the toughest decision ever...I had not said goodbye that morning when she left for what we thought was going to be something simple. Instead she crashed at the vet's office and was rushed into surgery. Our vet could keep her on life support until I got there or she could sew her up and let her have the few weeks probably remaining OR I could let it be over then without any further stress or pain and send my farewells into the Universe. Of course, I chose to let her go peacefully then. But I ached with such pain for months. I could not bear to wash the glass panes that bore her nose and paw prints. I would not take her collar off of the coffee table. I cried...lots. The loneliness was overwhelming and we finally decided that in the summer we would consider another dog. I began inquiries and suddenly, unexpectedly, we were asked to bring home a pup who no one wanted but in February not in June like we had planned. I felt like I was betraying Sheena, but said "yes." I cried for days over my decision. That was Siku, whose name means "ice." I am certain that Sheena had sent her to melt my heart and bring me back to life. Like you, this is a story I relive everytime we lose a member of our blog family.

bichonpawz said...

I really understand how you feel. This is exactly how I felt about my Zippo whom I lost a year ago in May. I still tear up...even now...reading what you have written. Even when I read the comment above mine. All of our dogs are special. But there are some that are just heart dogs. He could read my mind and I still miss him every day. May they all be running free over the bridge...it's so very difficult. I, too, relive this when I read about others.

Brian's Home Blog said...

Purrs and hugs to you.

jen said...

Dealing with the death of a pet is one of the hardest parts of life. Each pet that I have lost has taken a piece of my heart with them. They touch us so deeply.

houndstooth said...

Boy, can I relate! My first heart dog was Treat, and you know, just the other day I called Bunny Treat. I sat here in surprise at myself, wondering where that had come from. And I called Morgan Lilac last night, and then though, please, don't let her start being like Lilac now! Let her get old before she starts channeling her inner Lilac, please.

Jack & Moo said...

I know that feeling too, that awful ache that seems like it will never ever leave... then love trots in on 4 more paws and once again I can smile. I miss my RB kids too, and still absentmindedly call their names by mistake, it just show me that they're still very much with me. Love never ends.

~Pat, moo & jack's mom
still loving & missing Star, Rosie, Sherman, and Tori

Berts Blog said...

When you are forced to join the club of "I've lost my best friend" it is unbeleivably painful. Yet we wouldn't give up a moment of time we spent with them even knowing the club walls await us.

So sorry for your pain.

Bert's My Vickie

Toyin O. said...

Sorry to hear about your loss. Hugs:)

Pup Fan said...

I agree with Jen - every loss takes a piece of our heart along with it. *hugs*

Julia Williams said...

I know this feeling well, esp. the one of not knowing how you will go on without them. Time does not heal these wounds. It makes them a little less raw, but they never really close up, and after years...decades even, something simple can break it open again and make it so fresh, as though it were yesterday.

I wanted to thank you for your heartfelt comment on my post today. Unlike so many who come to comment without reading or taking the time to understand the point of the post, I knew you "got" what I was trying to say. This means a lot to me.

♥ Helen said...

So sad... I am sure he knew how much you loved him.

Anonymous said...

I have also felt the loss of those I love. I think on top of the overwhelming sense of loss is the incredible guilt I felt for not feeling so lost when humans left my life. But I've never lost anyone who spent so much time with me and loved me so completely.