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Brut Quote

Brut Quote

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Draft Week-Betrayal

I wanted to share a quick update about yesterday's post:  Chance's Slow Ride and to let you know that after I tried that experiment, Chance now rides much better in the van.  He was calmer and more secure.  All the dogs are a little leery about the truck, but just helping him through his fears a little made quite a difference riding in the van.  :)     


This week I'm posting some of my "drafted" post that I was either to scared to post or too emotionally close to at the time.  This post has been a constant theme between Brut and I even though it was originally written the first of Dec. 2011.

This is a call out to all of those that have reactive, aggressive, or dogs with serious behavior issues.  I am weary.  I feel like I just don't have it anymore.  The last 6-8 months with Brut being in a "remission" of sorts has felt like it has lead me down a road of false illusion.  And that all of that progress has been wiped clean.  Right about the time I feel that deep radiating love for him and that I am suddenly aware of what a fantastic and fascinating dog he is, I feel the knife drive into my back.  Again.  I come from an abusive childhood, I understand the cycle of healing.  I know how I have lashed out for reason unknown to me and taken my pain and anger out on those I love.  There is something not right.

I feel like I don't have the strength to go through this wave again.  And it is the worst time to lose a sense of hope.  I need to be strong and firm and I just don't want to go through this all over again.  My fear that was reconciled has sprung again.  I want to react rather than assert.  Brut triggering off, triggers me.  Our issues are so closely related, I don't know how to stop the chain reaction.  And I am too tired to do so.  Can anyone relate?  Can anyone be as tired as I am at doing this over and over with such a special needs dog?  Does anyone have the desire to hand their dog over to someone else for a while and let them take care of them?  Or better yet "fix" them?  The words of that trainer ring in my head at these down times like this, "I don't know what I am getting into."  There is a lot of truth to that.  And the extreme highs and lows don't help matters.  To be going along and witness and be apart of the progress only to watch it all explode in my face.  So many pieces I feel like I can't pick up.  And I wonder how long I will have to do this.  And how many times.  I can't bring myself to even begin again.  It hurts too much.  It feels like a betrayal.

 Letting my little white flag fly in the wind.

I wrote this about the time I asked help from fellow bloggers that I couldn't be more grateful for.  I'd run out of ideas, I felt like I had no where to turn when I finally just laid all my cards on the table.  From there sparked ideas and creativity that when I read this again I realize how painful this journey has been with Brut and how far we have really come.  While I still have moments when I feel like this, they are further apart then what they used to be.  My cry for help also helped me learn to assist my husband when Brut's temper would flare because it made me realize my husband couldn't do it alone.   Brut doesn't listen to him and I have been learning to back up everything my husband was telling Brut in order to reinforce what was being asked.  It has made a world of difference for all of us.  So while these words are in a continuous cycle as they once were, they still ring true every so often when it all gets the best of us.            


Linda said...

Yes, I relate to what you're talking about in more ways than one.

My mom had a special needs dog and working with him was frustrating. I would sit and watch him when he was in a relaxed state trying to figure out what was going on in his mind and how best to help him deal with his insecurities, fear, and anger. I knew we had to keep trying. Even though we took one step forward and two steps back, he was worth our effect and yes, even the frustrations we dealt with. At times, he was the most loving dog around, but there were plenty of times when he'd lash out for no apparent reason. He was always sorry immediately afterwards as if he understood what he had done, but he couldn't help himself. He was a good dog, though and was as loyal as they come. He stopped someone that broke into my mom's home one night and scared the man away before he had a chance to do something terrible to my mom who was home at the time.

Maybe we don't understand what we are getting into with our dogs, especially one that's a special needs, but no dog is a throw away and deserves a 2nd and 3rd and 4th or as long as it takes chance to heal.

houndstooth said...

I can certainly relate to a lot of it. I come from a background of abouse myself and I vowed to myself never again in my adult life. It's hard not to take the actions of those we are closest to as a personal affront sometimes when they behave in ways that hurt us. That's just part of being human!

We got Morgan at eighteen months old. She'd lived with three different families in four different homes. At times, she can be a basket case. She has all the classic personality traits of a female German Shepherd, and that includes a very wide protective streak. Managing her behavior at times can be really tough. She doesn't think anyone should come to our door or walk past our house. She even broke a window out once when my husband brought her in and went out to get the Greyhounds. I think her drive to protect us and keep us all together goes into hyperactive mode sometimes and she can't completely help herself. What I do know is that if someone ever broke into our house, Morgan is the one who would protect us with all that she has. My husband doubts this, but I know it in my heart as a certainty. She was abandoned a few too many times for her to ever relax and just be comfortable in the knowledge that we won't leave her. Some days I do better with her wounded soul than others, and she always forgives me for my shortcomings. We have an understanding that way!

White Dog Blog said...

Iunderstand but not because of our Army of special needs pups. With them I can always somehow push myself a bit further. My connection to your feelings come from dealing with my 19yo autistc nephew who came to live with us 2 years ago from a truly dysfunctional upbringing. Hs a stranger. He, in many ways, though high functioning in his disability, is less socialized than Puff, our puppy mill breeder who had never in 12 years been potty trained or learned to walk on a leash. He has anger issues and suffers from PTSD. The wonders you have wrought with Brut are my inspiration on days when I want to just give up on this kid who has never been given a real chance. Thanks for being brave enough to post your raw moments.