I wanted to share a quick update about yesterday's post: Chance's Slow Ride and to let you know that after I tried that experiment, Chance now rides much better in the van. He was calmer and more secure. All the dogs are a little leery about the truck, but just helping him through his fears a little made quite a difference riding in the van. :)
This week I'm posting some of my "drafted" post that I was either to scared to post or too emotionally close to at the time. This post has been a constant theme between Brut and I even though it was originally written the first of Dec. 2011.
This is a call out to all of those that have reactive, aggressive, or dogs with serious behavior issues. I am weary. I feel like I just don't have it anymore. The last 6-8 months with Brut being in a "remission" of sorts has felt like it has lead me down a road of false illusion. And that all of that progress has been wiped clean. Right about the time I feel that deep radiating love for him and that I am suddenly aware of what a fantastic and fascinating dog he is, I feel the knife drive into my back. Again. I come from an abusive childhood, I understand the cycle of healing. I know how I have lashed out for reason unknown to me and taken my pain and anger out on those I love. There is something not right.
I feel like I don't have the strength to go through this wave again. And it is the worst time to lose a sense of hope. I need to be strong and firm and I just don't want to go through this all over again. My fear that was reconciled has sprung again. I want to react rather than assert. Brut triggering off, triggers me. Our issues are so closely related, I don't know how to stop the chain reaction. And I am too tired to do so. Can anyone relate? Can anyone be as tired as I am at doing this over and over with such a special needs dog? Does anyone have the desire to hand their dog over to someone else for a while and let them take care of them? Or better yet "fix" them? The words of that trainer ring in my head at these down times like this, "I don't know what I am getting into." There is a lot of truth to that. And the extreme highs and lows don't help matters. To be going along and witness and be apart of the progress only to watch it all explode in my face. So many pieces I feel like I can't pick up. And I wonder how long I will have to do this. And how many times. I can't bring myself to even begin again. It hurts too much. It feels like a betrayal.
Letting my little white flag fly in the wind.
I wrote this about the time I asked help from fellow bloggers that I couldn't be more grateful for. I'd run out of ideas, I felt like I had no where to turn when I finally just laid all my cards on the table. From there sparked ideas and creativity that when I read this again I realize how painful this journey has been with Brut and how far we have really come. While I still have moments when I feel like this, they are further apart then what they used to be. My cry for help also helped me learn to assist my husband when Brut's temper would flare because it made me realize my husband couldn't do it alone. Brut doesn't listen to him and I have been learning to back up everything my husband was telling Brut in order to reinforce what was being asked. It has made a world of difference for all of us. So while these words are in a continuous cycle as they once were, they still ring true every so often when it all gets the best of us.
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